Going no contact with Mom

[bearwood]

I'm planning to go no contact with my Mom. It's time. She refuses to change. She won't listen when I tell her how harmful her behavior is. I've tried. I read on the CPTSD Foundation site that you will feel the urge to write a letter, but that you shouldn't. It's the trauma bond speaking.

But my brother is very angry about my "ghosting" our Mom.

Have you dealt with this? Advice on how to approach. I went ahead and wrote the letter. It felt good and I don't mind sending it to her, but I'm concerned about the backlash or engaging with the drama.

 

[Friday]

Perhaps the letter you should write is one to your brother, as his is the relationship you’d like to salvage.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi,

I’ve done just this quite recently. Cut my abusive, narcissistic mother out of my life for good. I did a thread on it, if you think giving it a read might be helpful.

CPTSD Foundation site that you will feel the urge to write a letter, but that you shouldn't. It's the trauma bond speaking

Interesting to know this because I did indeed have the urge to write a letter. And I did, but I never sent it. I had it sitting around on the table for a couple of days, unsure what to do with it and then I decided to burn it and get rid.

and it would be for her to get her to understand.

she agrees to get help and becomes the mom I've needed her to be

This is exactly what I wished the outcome to be by writing mine a letter. Except I knew that wouldn’t happen and instead it would leave me vulnerable to her twisting it, attacking etc. She certainly will not change. And hey, I’ve lived over 200 miles away for a decade so it’s not like I’ll bump into her and need to ‘explain’. You’re in a different situation with that, but still, I would not send a letter. Maybe write out your reasoning for cutting contact with her to your brother, so he gets an opportunity to understand your reasoning fully? However I would tread extremely carefully with that too because, well, he could show her the letter anyway. And it would also seem underhand to your mother on top. And he could also take what’s said and twist it if he’s still in touch with her and falls in line with the control.

None of my relationships (with anyone, including people who have hurt me in the past) are premised on what I hope they become. That ends up with me getting hurt again, almost universally

Sadly, this is true.