Dorrie2553
New Here
I had eating disorder symptoms as young as age 9 (2015) but my anorexia really did blossom by the age of 14 years (2020) when I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. In December 2022 (bear in mind I was very underweight at the time and eating 1200-1500 calories a day) I started getting increasingly prevalent thoughts (or anxiety and paranoia) about calories. It got to the point in which eating anything would induce a massive panic attack and I wouldn't eat anything that had to be prepared (such as toast or microwaveable ready meals) other than pot noodles which I felt comfortable eating for some reason or anything that had to be kept in the refrigerator (such as salad, yoghurt, or almond milk). I wouldn't drink any kind of hot drink because I feared the mug would be laced with thousands of invisible calories. I wouldn't drink diet coke because I feared it would actually contain full-sugar coca cola (caused by incidents in 2021 where I ordered diet coke from McDonald's but received full-sugar coke instead by accident). I discussed this anxiety with the eating disorder team and I was prescribed 2.5mg daily olanzapine. Initially (combined with eating a sufficient amount of calories and gaining to a healthier weight) the olanzapine helped, but as of December 2023 (taking 5mg daily olanzapine. My tolerance has probably increased and I smoke cigarettes regularly, and as far as I'm aware smoking reduces the amount of olanzapine absorbed) I am constantly anxious, but about different things. I am still anxious about my weight, but to a lesser extent. I am a lot more anxious about other things, especially my physical health and what happens after death as well as how others perceive me (I worry that people think I'm stupid, naive, childish and cringeworthy and not thin enough, not smart enough, not physically attractive enough, not cool enough).
In March 2023 I started smoking cannabis. Initially I would feel intense relaxation and euphoria and often appear hyperactive when under the influence. Whenever I smoke pot now I just get really paranoid that I'm dying and I find it harder to breathe.
Yesterday (December 20th) I smoked a joint and began panicking. I found it harder to breathe. I felt fine later that night, but the day after at 1.15pm I smoked a cigarette and found it harder to breathe. I had another cigarette at 5.20pm the same day and my symptoms got even worse. I went hysterical. I got so anxious that it became even harder to breathe, I was experiencing pain in my form, I experienced headaches, and I felt dizzy. In reflection, it sounds so stupid and impulsive of me because it was just cigarettes (I smoked a joint the day before, however) but I was so anxious that I was going to die that I called 111 and went to hospital. Doctors inspected my blood pressure, oxygen levels, etc; took samples of my blood; and performed an ECG; and everything was fine. By the time I got home my anxiety was no longer present and it was easier to breathe despite smoking another cigarette at 9.00pm. I worry that this is going to become more regular, that I get so anxious that I find it harder to breathe.
I feel so self-conscious just by making this post and elaborating on the crap I had done. It's so stupid of me to go to hospital for the stupidest of reasons. I am on the wrong medication. Olanzapine is not helping my anxiety at all. Neither is the talking therapy I have with my psychologists because I am too stupid to understand it. I want to speak to my GP about my anxiety but I have a feeling they will just ask me to discuss that with my psychologist or the eating disorder team, which doesn't work (I vaguely remember something like that happening in the past). How do I cope with anxiety? How can I access adequate treatment?
In March 2023 I started smoking cannabis. Initially I would feel intense relaxation and euphoria and often appear hyperactive when under the influence. Whenever I smoke pot now I just get really paranoid that I'm dying and I find it harder to breathe.
Yesterday (December 20th) I smoked a joint and began panicking. I found it harder to breathe. I felt fine later that night, but the day after at 1.15pm I smoked a cigarette and found it harder to breathe. I had another cigarette at 5.20pm the same day and my symptoms got even worse. I went hysterical. I got so anxious that it became even harder to breathe, I was experiencing pain in my form, I experienced headaches, and I felt dizzy. In reflection, it sounds so stupid and impulsive of me because it was just cigarettes (I smoked a joint the day before, however) but I was so anxious that I was going to die that I called 111 and went to hospital. Doctors inspected my blood pressure, oxygen levels, etc; took samples of my blood; and performed an ECG; and everything was fine. By the time I got home my anxiety was no longer present and it was easier to breathe despite smoking another cigarette at 9.00pm. I worry that this is going to become more regular, that I get so anxious that I find it harder to breathe.
I feel so self-conscious just by making this post and elaborating on the crap I had done. It's so stupid of me to go to hospital for the stupidest of reasons. I am on the wrong medication. Olanzapine is not helping my anxiety at all. Neither is the talking therapy I have with my psychologists because I am too stupid to understand it. I want to speak to my GP about my anxiety but I have a feeling they will just ask me to discuss that with my psychologist or the eating disorder team, which doesn't work (I vaguely remember something like that happening in the past). How do I cope with anxiety? How can I access adequate treatment?
