Not sure how to define this - need feedback

[LuckiLee]

@arfie, J and I separated for 8 months a while back and it probably saved our relationship. It was a reeeeaaally bad time and I was losing it. I was able to calm myself and focus on my health while he decided what he wanted to do. I wasn't sticking around and getting sucked into the rabbit hole anymore. And my leaving gave him a wake up call.

Ptsd relationships are brutal. But doable. As long as you WORK TOGETHER.

 

[Movingforward10]

Boundaries.

My guy occasionally gets like this and I don't engage. I leave the room, restaurant, party, house. Every. Time.

He knows I won't tolerate it anymore. If he wants to address something, he knows he must calm his azz down before I will reply.

If leaving isn’t possible (financial etc) then 100% this ^^
if he won’t change, then you need to.
maybe saying “you are scaring me” or something, calmly, like that and walking out of the room.
however, is it safe to do that?

 

[LuckiLee]

I was going to come back and say that @Movingforward10 . Only if it's safe.

If I'm not safe enough in my relationship that I can't remove myself from a hostile environment??? Then that answers my question. It is not a safe relationship and I must remove myself from it. And the sooner the better.

 

[arfie]

thank you for sharing that tidbit with me, @LuckiLee. the romantics in my life (the same ones who handed me lawyer referral cards) think i should subtract our separation years from my anniversary count. my "denial" continues on two counts.

1) i hold those separation years as the most important years of my matrimony. those are the years we both learned how to live and let live.
2) what's the point of divorce unless i want another husband? thanks but no thanks. one is more than enough for my romantic cynicism. i damn sure don't care what the folks at the county courthouse have to say about my marital status.

 

[Deleted member 42984]

How about couples' therapy? Then you'd be able to work on the dynamics between you, in a guided and safe setting. It requires, of course, that he agrees to cooperate.

 

[Sideways]

If I'm not safe enough in my relationship that I can't remove myself from a hostile environment??? Then that answers my question. It is not a safe relationship and I must remove myself from it. And the sooner the better.

Especially if there’s children involved.

There a few things more powerful to the way children learn than emulating what their primary care givers do. Apologising afterwards doesn’t prevent that with a child, it just makes it all the more confusing.

Very definitely financial realities play a significant role in this. There are very often support options available to get safe, particularly when there are children involved.

 

[Friday]

I'm feeling increasingly upset by my partner's rage. Hence why I'm writing late at night because when I go to bed (I sleep on my own), everything comes out. Can't stop crying.

Haven’t even read the rest of your post, much less any other responses.

There are certain …flavors… of anger I simply cannot/do not tolerate. And they’re dealbreakers. Not only IN the moment, but knowing these people (some of them) long term? Hell. f*cking. No. We would have neeeeeever worked as a couple.

So, yes. 100% a me thing.

It’s not you, it’s me… thing.

Finis.

What am I asking? I don't even know. I'm confused as to what all of this is. Am I over reacting?

Having read the rest of your OP?

I’d say it depends on how important it is, to you.

Pick ANY aspect of personality, relationship, etc. and it can be 10/10, 5/10, or Pfft 0/10 important… to ANYONE. The whole durn spectrum.

Can’t speak for what’s important to you in a partner, but I CAN say that using “not abusive” as a reason to stay? Is stupid. That’s nearly everyone. Scraping the bottom of the barrel. And, yes. I have been there. When the only thing in the entire world I WANTED in a man? Were arms. Because I wanted to be held. That’s not only insulting to amputees who are badass awesome people… but also shows how broken I was… that that’s where my standards were.

Maybe you can learn to be amused by his rage (1/10) or maybe it shreds you (10/10) or maybe you’re turned on by rage without abuse (also 10/10). I have no idea what you want/need in a partner. Sounds like you’re questioning/deciding. Best of luck, to you, in that.

Maybe... I'll look into it. My partner in 21 years has NEVER taken on any suggestion of mine to help himself or do something for himself to help his stress.

What changed?

21 years means if this is hitting you now, OR his behavior has shifted, something has happened.

Temporary? Something to brave through? Or consistent/normal/here to stay?

 

[beaneeboo]

Thank you for all your responses everyone. Just a bit overwhelmed atm. I'll get back when I can