I don’t want to become a hateful person

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I am afraid of/dislike interacting with most women in real life. I struggle to feel like I’m not seen in the same way by everyone, even though I know that women aren’t all like her and that most people don’t want to do what she did to me.

I don’t like feeling threatened like this, and find myself being similarly angry towards people who look and dress like she did. I intensely want to be left alone by them despite them just existing and having no possible interaction with me at all.

I was angry because she would hurt me even when I was doing what she wanted. I was giving more than I had and it still wasn’t enough.
But I don’t like feeling this way that all women old enough to date me are the same and like her, just because one person was bad to me.

I don’t even know if I get angry or if I’m just scared and upset.

Before, I wasn’t like this, I’d find interacting with women stressful or intimidating at times because I’m not used to it, and I get anxious around most people my age. But I didn’t feel like they wanted things from me and were centred by lust.

How do I get rid of this? I hate it.

 

[Friday]

How do I get rid of this? I hate it.

There are a whooole lotta different ways... that work good better bestest together.... so different options for different moods, headspaces, moments, focus, drive, desire, need, want. Chipping away a little here, a little there, everything moving closer to where you want to be.

Eliminating Triggers & Stressors (not avoiding them, eliminating, kiss goodbye).
- Stressor vs Trigger. What's a trigger?

- How To Use Triggers As A Means To Recovery?

Becoming MORE yourself & who you want to be via working with Cognitive Distortions & Core Beliefs AND Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts

- Trauma Processing go after the root cause.

- Badass stress management, to stay sane, have some fun, passion, & purpose (with minimal Earth Shattering kaBOOM!)

ALL OF THIS EASIER SAID THAN DONE? Of course. But? Harder to read, than do!!! LMAO Aargh >.< Don't try to read all the links at once. Seriously. Clear, concise, but a lot of working pieces.

 

[Sideways]

For me, the more I’ve learned to like myself, the less I’ve projected my feelings about my abuser onto other people around me.

I don’t know if that helps.

For me, instead of women, it was men in power. And instead of hate, it was something else.

But, I can’t help thinking maybe the underlying mechanisms are the same.

When a woman is abused by a man, therapy rarely directs itself to helping her correct her resulting opinion of men as a specific thing that needs attention, even though, after abuse, many women go on to fear or hate men. Because that is the consequence of her problem, not a distinct problem of its own. So, tackle the problem (the relationship you have with your abuse, and yourself). Not the fallout.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

There are a whooole lotta different ways... that work good better bestest together.... so different options for different moods, headspaces, moments, focus, drive, desire, need, want. Chipping away a little here, a little there, everything moving closer to where you want to be.

Eliminating Triggers & Stressors (not avoiding them, eliminating, kiss goodbye).
- Stressor vs Trigger. What's a trigger?

- How To Use Triggers As A Means To Recovery?

Becoming MORE yourself & who you want to be via working with Cognitive Distortions & Core Beliefs AND Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts

- Trauma Processing go after the root cause.

- Badass stress management, to stay sane, have some fun, passion, & purpose (with minimal Earth Shattering kaBOOM!)

ALL OF THIS EASIER SAID THAN DONE? Of course. But? Harder to read, than do!!! LMAO Aargh >.< Don't try to read all the links at once. Seriously. Clear, concise, but a lot of working pieces.

Thank you for these, I wish I had more women in my personal life and growing up, I might feel less separated. We are all just people.
The few are lovely though.

For me, the more I’ve learned to like myself, the less I’ve projected my feelings about my abuser onto other people around me.

I don’t know if that helps.

For me, instead of women, it was men in power. And instead of hate, it was something else.

But, I can’t help thinking maybe the underlying mechanisms are the same.

When a woman is abused by a man, therapy rarely directs itself to helping her correct her resulting opinion of men as a specific thing that needs attention, even though, after abuse, many women go on to fear or hate men. Because that is the consequence of her problem, not a distinct problem of its own. So, tackle the problem (the relationship you have with your abuse, and yourself). Not the fallout.

I am not sure it is even hate or anger really, it is hard to tell but I feel mainly scared, and it gets confused into other things I can't understand. I only ever want to get away. I don't feel angry (if that is even the correct label) about what happened anymore, but at the time as I was going through it and it wouldn't stop, I did. I'd better explain it as upset but red instead of upset but blue. Or maybe upset but purple, because it felt very hopeless too.

That aside neither are/were fighting feelings, that you have to do something, like when someone you love is treated badly, you want to fight to change that, which is how I think anger feels. This was different, for how it felt at the time, Frustrated is a closer word, specifically in the way that makes you cry, like grief frustrated. And for how it is now, it's a defensive through escaping feeling, that you have to have to not engage and get as far as possible, and put up a shield that hides your face, with a spike on it. (or many spikes). I can't think of a real life comparison outside of this experience.

This is very long, I'm sorry.
I think you are right, though, it only exists because of a different, parent problem. You can break all the eggs but the bird will still lay.
Thank you

 

[somerandomguy]

When a woman is abused by a man, therapy rarely directs itself to helping her correct her resulting opinion of men as a specific thing that needs attention, even though, after abuse, many women go on to fear or hate men.

In Cognitive Processing Therapy, we would do exactly that, because we want to replace stuck points like "all men are out to hurt me" with more realistic thoughts.

It's a very top-down method, which means we use thoughts to help control symptoms. However, while it's a gold standard treatment of trauma, it doesn't work for everyone. It didn't really work for me. I preferred EMDR which is a very bottom-up method, using body sensations to help control symptoms.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I am afraid of/dislike interacting with most women in real life. I struggle to feel like I’m not seen in the same way by everyone, even though I know that women aren’t all like her and that most people don’t want to do what she did to me.

I don’t like feeling threatened like this, and find myself being similarly angry towards people who look and dress like she did. I intensely want to be left alone by them despite them just existing and having no possible interaction with me at all.

I was angry because she would hurt me even when I was doing what she wanted. I was giving more than I had and it still wasn’t enough.
But I don’t like feeling this way that all women old enough to date me are the same and like her, just because one person was bad to me.

I don’t even know if I get angry or if I’m just scared and upset.

Before, I wasn’t like this, I’d find interacting with women stressful or intimidating at times because I’m not used to it, and I get anxious around most people my age. But I didn’t feel like they wanted things from me and were centred by lust.

How do I get rid of this? I hate it.

I can relate to this but about men. I’m not in a place to even think about dating but after doing exercises that help me build my self of safety. I’m not afraid of any guy on the street and men staring at me doesn’t produce a big reaction or negative thoughts.

I think it might help to build up your sense of being able to defend yourself. You can work on being able to say no so you don’t feel like every girl will do what she did. They won’t be able to because you’ll be able to defend yourself. The big thing is to not beat yourself up about not getting there yet. It’s a process.

 

[somerandomguy]

I felt the exact way you do about women once, @Dark.Green.Feathers. It's very normal to feel that way towards the gender of the person/people who abused us. Normal, and completely pointless. You will live an extremely diminished life if you hate and fear roughly half the people you will ever meet.

To get over my triggers caused by women, I put myself through mandatory exposure therapy. I allowed myself to feel the fear and hate and disgust when I was triggered by a strange woman. I concentrated of my breathing and allowed those feelings to subside and noticed that nothing horrible had happened. I would size up any women I was triggered by and reminded myself that I was almost always bigger and stronger than they were. I did some self-CBT and asked myself what the actual chance was that they were out to get me, or in fact had noticed me at all. After a few weeks of doing this, I was able to be around strange women without getting triggered most of the time.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I can relate to this but about men. I’m not in a place to even think about dating but after doing exercises that help me build my self of safety. I’m not afraid of any guy on the street and men staring at me doesn’t produce a big reaction or negative thoughts.

I think it might help to build up your sense of being able to defend yourself. You can work on being able to say no so you don’t feel like every girl will do what she did. They won’t be able to because you’ll be able to defend yourself. The big thing is to not beat yourself up about not getting there yet. It’s a process.

Thank you,
How did you build your sense of safety? I'm not interested in dating, which should help me feel more secure, in theory.

At first I did try to stand up for myself and I said no, a lot, but she wore me away. I think I've lost my confidence in my ability to defend myself, especially where I can't physically fight back. I didn't know what to do when "no", or a communicative amount of force didn't work.

I felt the exact way you do about women once, @Dark.Green.Feathers. It's very normal to feel that way towards the gender of the person/people who abused us. Normal, and completely pointless. You will live an extremely diminished life if you hate and fear roughly half the people you will ever meet.

To get over my triggers caused by women, I put myself through mandatory exposure therapy. I allowed myself to feel the fear and hate and disgust when I was triggered by a strange woman. I concentrated of my breathing and allowed those feelings to subside and noticed that nothing horrible had happened. I would size up any women I was triggered by and reminded myself that I was almost always bigger and stronger than they were. I did some self-CBT and asked myself what the actual chance was that they were out to get me, or in fact had noticed me at all. After a few weeks of doing this, I was able to be around strange women without getting triggered most of the time.

Yes, you're right, it's already diminished because I feel I am at war with automatic feelings, my logical thoughts and opinions, and the things in-between. I'm glad to hear it isn't just me and it can improve.

I struggle with conflict, if I had to hit someone I would, and I am bigger than every woman I've met, but these aren't situations where I can use that to help me. I was always too scared of shoving too hard and something horrible happening.
But I'll do the last thing you said and try to remember to think instead of just feel when I'm distressed. It's true that it is very unlikely something bad will happen.

Thank you

 

[BuildingSelf24]

At first I did try to stand up for myself and I said no, a lot, but she wore me away. I think I've lost my confidence in my ability to defend myself, especially where I can't physically fight back. I didn't know what to do when "no", or a communicative amount of force didn't work.

I totally understand this. I was the same. I would just give in when no didn’t work. Then, I realized I could walk away. I could leave the situation.
If it’s someone I want to keep a relationship with, I’ll say something like: Can we drop this? When you keep pushing, I feel like I can’t trust you or consider you as a safe person in my life and I want to be able to.
You can try the same. See what works for you and the situation at hand. You can try this during flashbacks and dreams too if you can interact during them.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I totally understand this. I was the same. I would just give in when no didn’t work. Then, I realized I could walk away. I could leave the situation.
If it’s someone I want to keep a relationship with, I’ll say something like: Can we drop this? When you keep pushing, I feel like I can’t trust you or consider you as a safe person in my life and I want to be able to.
You can try the same. See what works for you and the situation at hand. You can try this during flashbacks and dreams too if you can interact during them.

Thank you, it is a powerful thing to leave, I think.

I tend to lose communicative ability when I feel stressed or unsafe, but those are good things to say. I didn't know people could influence their flashbacks like that.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I tend to lose communicative ability when I feel stressed or unsafe, but those are good things to say. I didn't know people could influence their flashbacks like that

You’re welcome.

Yea. I’ve been able to sometimes even with dreams but the ability to say or do anything comes and goes. It does help a lot when you are able to do something though. It’s like you break the hold the flashback has over your actions and your emotions.