Navigating unwanted attention in public spaces

[BuildingSelf24]

When I’m walking around, I try to not look at anyone and keep my head down or look straight. When a guy says “Hi”, I briefly say “Hi” back and go on my phone or look straight ahead. I instinctively pay as little attention to them as possible. But I think this might come across as dismissive or might make them feel bad about themselves.

I don’t want to do that but I’ve been getting hit on since I was 12 even having guys follow me home, touch me, or scream at me. I don’t want to display any sort of romantic interest to strangers on the street and potentially repeat some of those situations. But at the same time I don’t want to be rude and completely ignore them.

What do you guys think? Am I being rude or is there a better way to think about or approach these situations?

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @BuildingSelf24 I don't think you're being rude at all. You don't have to react or acknowledge anyone you don't want to. I frequently wear sunglasses when I'm out even if it's not sunny so I can look wherever I want without drawing attention to myself.

I'm a guy and if I try to make contact with someone then I must be prepared that the outcome of that interaction may result in me not getting the response I would hope for and it's not your responsibility to take on my feelings about that!

 

[BuildingSelf24]

Hello @BuildingSelf24 I don't think you're being rude at all. You don't have to react or acknowledge anyone you don't want to. I frequently wear sunglasses when I'm out even if it's not sunny so I can look wherever I want without drawing attention to myself.

I'm a guy and if I try to make contact with someone then I must be prepared that the outcome of that interaction may result in me not getting the response I would hope for and it's not your responsibility to take on my feelings about that!

Thank you! That makes a lot of sense. I think I have this belief that I should show interest in others because not doing that would imply they are inferior. But that’s just a thought error. I don’t know enough about the person to be interested.

 

[Weemie]

There is no such thing as being rude to someone who is harassing you or assaulting you. The last time a guy got in my face bad I broke his pinky. There were like a dozen witnesses who all stood up for me including a mom and her kid. He followed me across three buses and was planning on following me home.

Do you know Tiffany? It's OK if you're a lesbian. My roommate is a lesbian. I'm a lobster fisherman and I take care of my girls. Why are you so anxious? You should drink this beer. Do you drink? Then he offered me crack. When he reached his hand over I grabbed his wrist and bent his finger back hard until he yowled.

Yesterday a guy started yelling at me because I was sitting on the ground. Do you want a chair, you need a chair, why are you on the ground, do you want a chair? I mustered up my dirtiest look and growled "NO."

These are grown ass adults. They know full well if they get into someone's face they will be met with hostility. If they didn't want that type of response then they wouldn't accost strangers.

 

[arfie]

i hold that it **is** rude to be so dismissive of others. more importantly, it isolates me. however, i considered it a survival tactic back when i was young enough to be sexual predator bait. somewhere around 40, i realized that was one worry i could leave behind. here in my dotage, i am thoroughly enjoying virtual immunity from sexual predators and it feels GREAT to let my guard down.

 

[LunaticOnTheFritz]

i hold that it **is** rude to be so dismissive of others. more importantly, it isolates me. however, i considered it a survival tactic back when i was young enough to be sexual predator bait. somewhere around 40, i realized that was one worry i could leave behind. here in my dotage, i am thoroughly enjoying virtual immunity from sexual predators and it feels GREAT to let my guard down.

Hmm...IDK about immunity. I've heard stories around where I live. I think it's something to always be alert about.

 

[Jade-]

I have been hit on by men my entire adult life, having crude remarks made/yelled to me like "you have nice tits", have been groped, have had men following me around in stores talking out loud about how nice my ass is and so many other crude things said to me and about me.

I have found though that by walking with my head held high, smiling, saying hi to those that say it to me, saying hello to the men in passing that are staring at me and faking that I have high self esteem things have been so much better. I used to walk with my head down, made no eye contact and avoided people at all costs.

People like to f*ck with us when we're acting all insecure and timid, cause they know they can and know they can get away with it. Even though I am faking how I feel about myself, they don't know that and they're less apt to f*ck with me. Kinda like how school bullies are ,where they're all tough until you stand up to them, there's adult men out there who basically do the same to women yet when you let your confidence show they feel intimidated or something and leave you alone.

Anyway, that's what's been working for me. And I watch a lot of the Kardashians show and I have that " you are beneath me" look perfected when needed. That helps too...

 

[Midnightmoon]

You've acknowledged their hello and carried on, so I don't think that's rude at all.

When a guy says “Hi”,

Maybe I'm barking up the completely wrong tree here; how do you know they are not simply saying hi? Sure, some might be pushing their luck, but equally others may genuinely just be saying hello in passing. Or is there more context that I'm missing. I'm just wondering if history is meaning you're hyper vigilant to associating general greetings from men with the risk of people then wanting more?

Different circumstances entirely but I get alot of unwanted attention due to my wheelchair. (I am physically week and vulnerable, not a great position for a trauma survivor to be in, naturally defensive before you even begin) I got to a point that even someone saying hello I was prickling and ready for whatever insult/ smart comment/ intrusive medical question ('bloody hell your young to be in that thing, what happened?!' seems to be the favourite of anyone over the age of 65) that it took me a long, long time to realise some people were just, actually, smiling and saying hello, human to human.

Reiterating that this may be completely not what's happening here but thought it might be worth throwing it into the ring

 

[mamachick]

I agree with Jade about holding your head high. Stand tall, shoulders back, and head high. Practice having confidence. Fake it til you make it. That being said, you dont know what they are thinking. You dont owe them anything, including attention or even politeness. If they think you are rude, thats their problem. You dont have the power to make them feel anything. You do have power within yourself. Everyone wont like you and thats ok. Do you want to be liked or do you want to be safe? Its not your job to make them feel comfortable but you do have power or how you feel and react. You dont have to react at all. Some sense when you are uncomfortable and seek that in victims. Then they become pushy. Thats why its important to hold your head and and be strong. You dont have to make eye contact. You can look straight ahead. You can empower yourself to get beyond this.

 

[Friday]

But I think this might come across as dismissive or might make them feel bad about themselves.

Only if they’re already inclined to feel badly about themselves, or feel as if they have the right to your attention. That’s not you. That’s them. And? It’s fairly rare. Most people aren’t so insecure or narcissistic. You’re mindreading, rather than doing what’s best for you, OR spending the time to get to know an individual well enough to accurately assess how they’re going to take a stranger’s inattention. Quite frankly? Anyone who would react as you fear they may react? Isn’t someone you want in your life. So encouraging them? Isn’t really a good idea.

I DO -very well- understand ghosting through crowds, and interacting just enough to not be noticeable. That’s very much a thing. And a skill. To be invisible. One I personally value quite highly.

It seems like there’s a certain subset of people who are causing you to trip up? <<< It’s very much worth taking some extra time, and stepping back to the edge of the crowd, to pay attention to the people they DO ignore, versus the people they aim themselves at, rather than trying to get inside their heads. Who are they targeting for attention? Anyone they have passining familiarity with? Anyone with earphones in, head down, clearly avoiding others? Short people? Pretty people? People busy with tasks/responsibilities they want to disrupt? Just hang back on the edges and WATCH. There will be patterns. And once you know the patterns? You can flow around/through them. Because these are TYPES, rather than individuals when you’re in a crowd, it’s the patterns that matter.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

There is no such thing as being rude to someone who is harassing you or assaulting you. The last time a guy got in my face bad I broke his pinky. There were like a dozen witnesses who all stood up for me including a mom and her kid. He followed me across three buses and was planning on following me home.

Do you know Tiffany? It's OK if you're a lesbian. My roommate is a lesbian. I'm a lobster fisherman and I take care of my girls. Why are you so anxious? You should drink this beer. Do you drink? Then he offered me crack. When he reached his hand over I grabbed his wrist and bent his finger back hard until he yowled.

Yesterday a guy started yelling at me because I was sitting on the ground. Do you want a chair, you need a chair, why are you on the ground, do you want a chair? I mustered up my dirtiest look and growled "NO."

These are grown ass adults. They know full well if they get into someone's face they will be met with hostility. If they didn't want that type of response then they wouldn't accost strangers.

I aspire to this. Sometimes I can muster this like the time a guy yelled at me but other times I cannot like the times I was followed or touched. Part of the beliefs from my trauma is that I cannot show anger or I’ll be met with an even greater show of anger or force. So it tends not to come out in situations when it would be appropriate. It’s something I need to work on still.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

@Jade- @mamachick @Friday

I think you guys are right. Evidence from my own life has shown that when I’m more confident and comfortable with myself, the people who would normally cause issues for me become meek. I think it’s just childhood programming making me still want to hide and make myself smaller. I forget sometimes that people literally target those who seem to have low self-esteem or who seem to be pushovers so they can have their way with them. I’ve literally heard it said before and I’ve seen guys rage against those who are the most scared of them. It’s just something I need to get into my head.

Thank you guys!