a new memory (maybe)

[sidptitala]

Will expect me to toughen up and move on because they had to.

Because this is where everyone is now, and I hate that for me. As far as I am aware, I suffered abuses that were extreme compared to the people in my life. But because they suffered mistreatment too, they expect me to pretend it didn't effect me, like they pretend.

But I can't anymore. I just can't. I'm so tired. One man is ruining everybody's life.

He is haunting me in my skin. I feel his hands everywhere on my body and I want to be free of this so much.

 

[sidptitala]

I feel so incredibly sad and tired all the time. Getting out of bed feels like going to war with so many problems and pain. This incredible sad weakness.

I'm on the way to support my girlfriend at the funeral. It's so sad and hard for her. I hate that I am so tired of being supportive too and I hope I can be patient with her.

Thankfully I have counselling next week. I'm still drafting things to say to my mom and I'm tired, too, that she is imposing what she wants on me again, without thinking about me or what I need. I'm exhausted and can't be a support to her any more.

I'm almost at this point with my girlfriend too. This summer it's almost like I am grieving all of them in advance.

 

[sidptitala]

I think I managed my terrible feelings ok.

Went to yoga, journaled and both of these things really helped. Journal especially.

I know it's good to not be numb. I was so numb before yesterday. It's kind of reassuring to be able to predict that. Numbness when talking about abuse in therapy & visiting family = feeling really depressed the day after. I hate numbness, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. So I'm glad it's more temporary.

Even though I hate my feelings.

 

[sidptitala]

I spoke to my friend on the phone today and it made me sad. It highlighted how lonely I am and how little I have going on. (But I know this is going to change).

I've really missed my girlfriend this week. And I've really missed my mom- because I had fun with her. And I didn't give her the letter because I didn't want to ruin it. She kept saying how much fun she was having too. It makes the potential loss of her hurt more.

I asked for references and sent them to my new job (phew phew phew). It has taken so much work sincerely working through my thoughts to convince myself I am allowed to- that I am scared of working. But I have to remember that you only get asked this at the start.

When they offered me the job they said it was kind of the trenches. But I know the trenches. And I'm really excited to work with people who have some of the same obstacles I have had.

 

[sidptitala]

I haven't started yet, but already my new job seems a little complicated. Lots of crossed wires and lots of uncertainty. But I have also heard that it was fairly relaxed to work there.

I saw the psychiatrist today who questioned whether I am well enough to be working. Doesn't feel good. I've worked in office jobs with PTSD and depression before and I have to remember it was undiagnosed, severe and I had no help with it. I lived with so much anxiety then. That everyone would know there was something wrong with me, I was terrified of everyone. I hope I have a better type of life this time.

 

[sidptitala]

Heard my dad's voice and I felt his beard on my face. I felt like I literally was a child squirming and crying to get away.

My mom asked me about my girlfriend's brothers plan to sell her house and again repeated that it's not worth fighting them about. 'It would be sad to have a rift in the family about it'. Ugh, I hate her saying this and she says it every time I see her. I regret telling her about it in the first place. If she says it again tell her it's not her place to say that? I feel like it's a sign her attitude hasn't changed about me either.

I need to give her my letter but it's raining outside and my dad and uncle are here.

 

[sidptitala]

Today I have felt awful. My only pair of clothes ripped on the way here. Then I woke up covered in blood. I've had to try and find replacement clothes that fit but it's hard because I've gained weight and feel disgusting. I was in pain all day too. Here is the worst place to be when I feel that way.

My job is complicated. I'm already feeling on edge and stressed about it. I'm being pressured to pressure other people to reply to emails from 3rd parties. And I don't really understand what the urgency is.

I haven't had time or space to give my letter but I have almost nothing else to say. It'll be better to be out of the house. I suppose I'll propose going for a walk. I was so clear yesterday about what I felt and wanted to say. I wrote it down, so it's still there. Today I have doubts about whether she can listen to me. Because she talked over me. Because I saw how crowded her life is with people who reinforce all the wrong lessons. Because I also saw how dependent she is on him and she doesn't want to change that.

 

[sidptitala]

The word 'we' felt like a little dagger because it was all she said. 'We like' 'We think' 'We want'. She could not go 3 sentences without mentioning him. Even though she knows what a big deal he is to me, she won't talk to me about anything else.

 

[sidptitala]

I'm so conflicted. I didn't give my mom that letter because I need to concentrate on starting work this week. I wanted to do it so that I can free up my time and energy to think about other things. To be present for work at work and sexual abuse in therapy.

I felt so sad around my mom. It's my sister's 28th birthday and reminds me of the terrible dreams I had when it was mine that started all of this, the new sexual stuff.

I'm scared of remembering new stuff and I know I'm about to. I feel like I am trying to take breaths while swimming through a storm. Trying to decide whether to swim as hard as I can for dry land or try to stay still and catch my breath. Trying to calculate what way I'm more likely to survive, and not knowing the answer.

I'm trying to feel safe but that is so hard, when you have good reasons why you are not. You can't just decide you are safe when you are not safe.

I think I will give my mom the letter next week. Or today? I'm not sure. It probably is better to concentrate on work this week and do that after.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Trying to decide whether to swim as hard as I can for dry land or try to stay still and catch my breath. Trying to calculate what way I'm more likely to survive, and not knowing the answer.

If you are low on energy and reserves treading water and catching your breath might be a safe place right now. The land will come again, but you need the power to keep going first

I'm so conflicted. I didn't give my mom that letter because I need to concentrate on starting work this week. I wanted to do it so that I can free up my time and energy to think about other things. To be present for work at work and sexual abuse in therapy.

This sounds heavy on it's own, no wonder it's hard at the minute . Glad you've got a T to help. Do they have an opinion on the letter...?

 

[sidptitala]

If you are low on energy and reserves treading water and catching your breath might be a safe place right now. The land will come again, but you need the power to keep going first

This was such a helpful comment, thank you. I read it a long time ago and took it to heart. That's exactly what I did- tried to focus on working and put the letter and everything about myself out of my mind.

Do they have an opinion on the letter...?

I have told him about it but not shown it to him. I explained what I'm saying in it- at first he questioned why I'm only addressing one time when my dad assaulted me as an adult and not mentioning my childhood at all. I'm asking in the letter for my mom to stop trying to pressure me to reconcile with my dad and accept me wanting distance, because that one assault happened and he has never been sorry. At first this therapist (who is experienced at this but fairly new to me) thought maybe it would be better to say everything that happened including sexual abuse- that it might make her more likely to take what I'm saying seriously. But after talking about it, he sees my point of view and my fear that my mom is so severely in denial that I need to start small. My childhood memories right now are too raw and I haven't spoken about a lot of them yet (some I don't even remember clearly).

So, I am going to give her that letter this week.

 

[sidptitala]

I am really avoiding writing today and maybe that's why everything is hard? I lay down all day and didn't eat, wash my hair, or go out of the house. I will force myself to eat something and also drink water because I´ve had none of that either.

My housemate is stressed and will be until a deadline passes. I'll really miss her. And I'll really miss one woman at work who is leaving. Today I feel like I miss everyone and want emotional closeness. But I also feel like the rules that apply to me don't apply to other people- I am not allowed to express my feelings or need anything from people. I want to change this rule but it's been overwhelmingly true and has helped me to navigate life. How can I be for people what they need? That's the question that has always propelled me.

I suppose I have to accept that I can't keep doing that. My loneliness is a very particular kind of thing- realising that what I'm giving is what I actually need. How can I get needs met? Feels scary to even ask myself that (but it does feel like maybe it's necessary).