Kindness to parents that will only accept me in good times

[SeekingAfrica]

HOW do I cope?

I will notbthankfully after eviction live with my parents for a while. Here is my question.

How do I stay kind to them? How do I keep their boundaries but respect mine? How do I have faith in myself surrounded by their reactions?

As many of you know, I was evicted because I was too depressed to cope and didn't earn enough and my parents agreed to me living rent free in their living room for a few months. All good on the practical side. As you also know, I was also very torn about the eviction and separating stuff between throwing them out and leaving them with friends as my parents are in another country. It was brutal time and as I arrive I am not resting for a second day...

I said something about getting a sweet snack ( as I'm on my period) and he said, don't, you'll become 100 kg if you aren't already(220lbs). That is the first time in my life he commented on my weight so I had to ask why. He started with this is all I do (eat candy on the couch) - often I have visited at hard times. I asked him not to talk without knowing all and he says he knows enough by them having to help me with money and me still ending up here.

I then tried talking to mom as last time I shared I was suicidal she wanted me not to torture my father with that conversation. I tried to ask her now why do I spare him information if this is what he'll believe. It got away from me and we got again to me b3ing depressed for years(--well yeah, ptsd, but still now is worse). She said again everyone is depressed. I pointed out it's not the same level, and it's happening since I was a teen and she said her too but she never bothered her mom. I pointed out it was a different time and she wanted us to talk about everything so why can't we.

Anyway all I said ended up with either we are all depressed or me talking about worse suicidal depression is emotionally manipulative.

The result of me saying why can't we change and talk about things now ended with her having heart issues suddenly so not now, and they won't make comments, and I just should let it be.

Now, leaving aside how that impacts me that feels like: my father thinks I'm fine, spend the help from them and do nothing, so lazy, with my mom thanking I always manipulate her if I want to be honest about how I got to this state. I won't manage 2 months here if I'm seeing myself as they do. If I'm not good about how I feel, I will end up doing nothing hence no income hence being stuck there. So I need to:

- respect their need for silence even though it triggers me because of my childhood, and do so without stuffing my feelings down all the time
-still thank them letting me stay here in some practical ways like cleaning
-keep my faith in myself while seeing them 90% of the time so I get better for me so I don't stay too long

Tips?? I'm highly emotional, I'm still depressed, I hate secrets and pretending I am ok, because it's how my trauma was, but I need to live with parents for whom it's the opposite and who only value me in good times. And I need to be grateful for not paying rent while being okay with being mad for all they think of what I'm going through. I need a middle ground where I don't bother the. But Don't lose myself.... Help!

 

[arfie]

for me, there are times when i don't bother looking for the middle ground. when living in unacceptable circumstances, i do my level best to be there as little as possible and keeping the focus on getting out of the circumstances as quickly as possible. i shoot for gratitude for the hospitality, empathy for the imposition with lots of reassurance that the imposition is temporary. works in progress for finding my way out.

most important of all, i work to be gentle with all parties involved and patient with the process.

 

[Ecdysis]

I don't think your parents are a viable long-term or medium-term solution.

I get what toxic families are like and I get how they "use" you being at your weakest/ your lowest to become bossy/ nasty/ snide/ judgemental.

I just think that, even as they are, it is better than being homeless on the street.

I'd view it just as that: it's basically a homeless shelter with relatives, so you can get your bearings in a way you wouldn't have been able to if you were sleeping on a park bench.

I would go nuts too, living with my parents... Even at a time when I was feeling well.... In a time of crisis? It would be a mess...

I wouldn't try to get them to "understand", if I were you... I doubt they will... And now, you being at your weakest, you are least able to explain something they don't want to hear.

Just be polite.

Maybe try treating them as strangers.

Sometimes I think our blood relatives really are basically "strangers" to us and our true family are the friends that go through thick and thin with us.

Be polite and try to be out and about as much as possible - tell them you're out looking for a job or whatever gets them off your case... And use the time to try and make a plan for the next 12 months...

Even if you just go outside walking for 2 hours a day to be away from them - that's a great investment in your physical strength and therefore in your mental well-being.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Ecdysis after today I have definitely backed off of trying to make them understand.
I definitely want to show appreciation for them giving me a place to stay.

Staying much out for the first weeks can't happen. I need to work so the minimum I would need is ability to buy bus pass for the day(my parents are at the edge of the city so I need to switch buses) and a coffee to have a roof to work anywhere else as we get in rainy time. Which means, first I need to get the next pay to do so.
I had one part but send it to my landlord for part of my debt just as I left.

Maybe I can take more walks.
I agree, my middle or longterm solution shouldn't be this.
But for now I must make the most of it.

Trying to imagine them as strangers might be useful, no trying to fulfill their expectations, just being polite and useful and doing what I need for me.

Otherwise things get muddled and I can't think.

How do I even approach 12 month plan? Until recently I planned few days ahead all these bad months.
Maybe I should start with 6 months and breakk that down to make if to what I need daily and weekly.
I just need to be my own cheerleader for using this help and not wanting more than the practical, but believing I can get to better that and be stable again.

 

[Weemie]

With people like this I just close them out of my inner circle. I'm superficial! That's what they prefer, and I don't mind doing that. I deal with all my shit internally, or with inner circle folks. I'd focus on the positives, whatever we have in common, activities we like to do, etc.

I would respect where they are in life, which is not conducive to reciprocal relationships. If they start asking me why, I grey rock them. "I just want to focus more on the bright side!" It may even look like you're taking their advice. But what you're really doing is protecting yourself.

Not everyone needs to be in the inner circle. I can still find value in relationships that are superficial, every person brings value in their own way and I'd look for that and encourage it rather than fighting against it, as a matter of protecting my own peace.

Improve the moments you're in with them, take direct action. Getting slogged down with "Why won't they accept me as I am" etc. They won't. They probably never will. So they're in the outer circle, and you're safe inside.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

When I’m with my parents, I remind myself of a few things:

It’s just temporary. And even if you’re there for a bit, it’s still just temporary.

They will never understand. And as an adult, I don’t need to get them to understand. Better to protect myself than disclose things. Having privacy isn’t the same as keeping secrets.

Walks are so helpful. The physical executive use helps with depression, etc and having a space of time alone is so helpful.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I think I overcorrected and now I feel like a useless shell. Compared to last week working here should be a breeze, but since yesterday I'm distribingky numb for an emotional person, showing just enough to produce no questions. I need to work outside because this is killing me but I need income first. Compared to last week this should be a breeze. Not sure what is wrong with me.

It's like this should be the start of a journey but the eviction and moving stuff to friends without a car has been so exhausting and I had so little left when I arrived and yesterday's words just pummeled me into the ground. And I should work, to pay off debt and afford things like cafe work and savings... but I feel nothing and I can't get myself to do anything, on or off work, for money or for joy. It's disturbing.
I can't live like this, I need to do something.

 

[abovedown]

HOW do I cope?

I will notbthankfully after eviction live with my parents for a while. Here is my question.

How do I stay kind to them? How do I keep their boundaries but respect mine? How do I have faith in myself surrounded by their reactions?

As many of you know, I was evicted because I was too depressed to cope and didn't earn enough and my parents agreed to me living rent free in their living room for a few months. All good on the practical side. As you also know, I was also very torn about the eviction and separating stuff between throwing them out and leaving them with friends as my parents are in another country. It was brutal time and as I arrive I am not resting for a second day...

I said something about getting a sweet snack ( as I'm on my period) and he said, don't, you'll become 100 kg if you aren't already(220lbs). That is the first time in my life he commented on my weight so I had to ask why. He started with this is all I do (eat candy on the couch) - often I have visited at hard times. I asked him not to talk without knowing all and he says he knows enough by them having to help me with money and me still ending up here.

I then tried talking to mom as last time I shared I was suicidal she wanted me not to torture my father with that conversation. I tried to ask her now why do I spare him information if this is what he'll believe. It got away from me and we got again to me b3ing depressed for years(--well yeah, ptsd, but still now is worse). She said again everyone is depressed. I pointed out it's not the same level, and it's happening since I was a teen and she said her too but she never bothered her mom. I pointed out it was a different time and she wanted us to talk about everything so why can't we.

Anyway all I said ended up with either we are all depressed or me talking about worse suicidal depression is emotionally manipulative.

The result of me saying why can't we change and talk about things now ended with her having heart issues suddenly so not now, and they won't make comments, and I just should let it be.

Now, leaving aside how that impacts me that feels like: my father thinks I'm fine, spend the help from them and do nothing, so lazy, with my mom thanking I always manipulate her if I want to be honest about how I got to this state. I won't manage 2 months here if I'm seeing myself as they do. If I'm not good about how I feel, I will end up doing nothing hence no income hence being stuck there. So I need to:

- respect their need for silence even though it triggers me because of my childhood, and do so without stuffing my feelings down all the time
-still thank them letting me stay here in some practical ways like cleaning
-keep my faith in myself while seeing them 90% of the time so I get better for me so I don't stay too long

Tips?? I'm highly emotional, I'm still depressed, I hate secrets and pretending I am ok, because it's how my trauma was, but I need to live with parents for whom it's the opposite and who only value me in good times. And I need to be grateful for not paying rent while being okay with being mad for all they think of what I'm going through. I need a middle ground where I don't bother the. But Don't lose myself.... Help!

Can you make kind of household rules that people could mutually follow? Like if you are sort of housemates for a few months, you could maybe find ways to make this arrangement mutually tolerable. You can help them with cleaning/chores but they should also treat you like an adult (commenting what you eat as a snack felt kinda mean). From your postings it's clear you are doing your best to move on with your life. You can only do your best one say at a time.

If they are not willing to listen to your troubles, can you talk with friends or write here? Sorry to hear you are in the middle of a stressful situation :/

 

[Ecdysis]

Are there any neighbours (e.g. older ppl) where you can offer some help in household and garden in exchange for a desk/ table to do your work at for a couple of hours a day? That would get you out of your parents' house for a few hours each time, at least?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Stranger old people sounds sweet but with my child trauma it's actually terrifying,. I know I make no sense and I have so many fears I make things harder and I don't deserve anything...

I can't do this, feel nothing. My parents were annoying but better today. They helped me set work space in the kitchen even though they disliked the idea at first. Can't talk to them but no more comments so far. They are bad with mental health but occasionally surprisingly helpful at practical things. But I broke yesterday and shut down the whole day in none helpful way.

I need to reset. Watch and chill tonight. Work tomorrow. Find self care routine to do daily. Something has really snapped in me and I'll have quite a bit healing to do.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I think your whole system is in a state of exhaustion, look at how much you've had to do to get where you are right now. You knew it would be really, really difficult to live with your parents again ( even short term) but it was the best choice available to you. You made it there, despite all of the terror of how and why and what, you did it! Maybe try and hold onto that and use it as 'evidence' when you need to remind yourself that there is no shame here, you can do hard things. You can achieve stuff that feels impossible all at once if you take it bit by bit.

I'm glad you've got somewhere to work there now, public libraries might be another option as somewhere safe, quiet and free...

like this should be the start of a journey

It totally is, because...

Maybe I should start with 6 months and break that down to make if to what I need daily and weekly.
I just need to be my own cheerleader for using this help and not wanting more than the practical, but believing I can get to better that and be stable again.

You've got an A * start of a plan right here! This makes so much sense, break stuff down and keep grounded to your own sense of self as much as possible. These are all small steps towards getting stability back

 

[Friday]

With people like this I just close them out of my inner circle.

Not everyone needs to be in the inner circle. I can still find value in relationships that are superficial, every person brings value in their own way and I'd look for that and encourage it rather than fighting against it, as a matter of protecting my own peace.

I just think that, even as they are, it is better than being homeless on the street.

I'd view it just as that: it's basically a homeless shelter with relatives, so you can get your bearings in a way you wouldn't have been able to if you were sleeping on a park bench.

i shoot for gratitude for the hospitality, empathy for the imposition with lots of reassurance that the imposition is temporary.

It’s just temporary. And even if you’re there for a bit, it’s still just temporary.

They will never understand. And as an adult, I don’t need to get them to understand. Better to protect myself than disclose things. Having privacy isn’t the same as keeping secrets.

So much… all of these.

I love my parents to pieces, and they also drive me absolutely insane.

I mostly use it as an exercise of taking people where they’re at, & recognising the beauty & truth of an individual. Which is ALSO what I might wish they could do for me? And Insuck at, just as badly as they do. As we drive each other crazy. Helluva lotta love, very little understanding/acceptance.