a new memory (maybe)

[sidptitala]

I've also been thinking a lot about some of the information written on this forum about why sexual abuse is damaging- and its really helping me to understand a lot of things.

For me its really hard to distinguish between the sex and the violence. I've often thought that for me personally the violence was a lot worse to experience. Before I had discrete memories I just had the impression that he was so repeatedly violent towards me (and that's true). There are things about the sexual side of things that felt a lot worse to remember (to the extent I forced myself to forget/thought I can't go on living if its true.

I guess I was a child and didn't know what sexual situations were. He was just hurting me so I thought of it as punishment. I thought I was humourless and there was something wrong with me for not finding joy in him like he and everyone else expected.

There's so much talk at work about categorising people- what kind of people they are, what qualities they have. My boss thinks people are born with those. To me it seems so weird to have people so interested in what 'type' of personality I have when my personality is so deeply formed around trauma. I haven't always been the same and lived in the same place and done the same thing. The abuse and being queer and all the adult stuff has very deeply shaped me- a lot of my 'personality' is survival habits that have changed before and will again. I wasn't born secretive and hyperindependent and depressed and afraid for my safety. But those things happened so early and so often since. Almost my whole personality is about them.

The same is true for a lot of our clients and I'm not sure what the utility is in trying to categorise them. It doesn't help them when what they most suffer from is also trauma.

I'm seeing this everywhere in my life- how deeply frightened everyone is. And how specific that fear is for each person. I'm realising that when I lived with my girlfriend and her family we both went back to the selves we were in childhood- me scared of violence, doing too much, not being listened to and also powerless to leave. She went back to trying to manage her moms moods and anticipate them- by keeping me in line. That's why during that time she kept calling me a man I think- because she was back in the era when she was expected to raise her brothers but they didn't obey her so she was punished by her mom. That's so sad for both of us.

The keys to how it affected us are in the details. I know I'm going to have to deal with this once I've talked to my mom.

 

[sidptitala]

God God God God. My two clients who have my life story. I need to make time here to write about that. How the first looked to me for guidance but I didn't have any. How she had resources I don't have and I didn't know how to help her. How scared I am of being responsible for people's safety because when I last was  they died (I didn't have the power to keep them safe and I didn't kill them, but still, they died and I couldn't protect them when protecting them was my job)

Sometimes being queer, being my ethnicity and both at the same time scares the hell out of me. One of those things is written in my face. People tell me the stories they don't tell other people because of it and I'm glad they can, that they look at me and tell me they are like me but they hide it. It also scares me. Because one of those things I can't hide, and the other I try to.

I feel so privileged to hear all the stories I have heard in my life, damn.

 

[sidptitala]

Therapist asked me yesterday if I am punishing myself by trying to talk to my mom now. And by isolating myself from everyone. He seemed really concerned by how much hearing people's traumatic stories is affecting me at work. I don't know if I regret being as honest as I was about that. That's the second professional to tell me this month I am not really fit for work :( But what are my other options- moving back home does not feel like one.

The danger is I could burn out of this really fast. It's progress I haven't already done that. It's progress I am even aware of and processing my own thoughts and feelings.

I can see that I desperately need guidance though and I don't currently have avenues of it. That's a pattern in my life I need to break- having responsiblity for other people without any guidance or help or support. And not having the same support for myself that I am trying to provide for others.

I don't really think wanting to give my mom that letter is punishing myself. It might create space in my life where currently there is dead weight dragging me down. If it turns out she cares about me. If not, I already feel like she doesn't.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I don't really think wanting to give my mom that letter is punishing myself. It might create space in my life where currently there is dead weight dragging me down. If it turns out she cares about me. If not, I already feel like she doesn't.

Does she have the capacity to be able to hold space and compassion for the letter content without either turning it onto you having failed in some way, or seeing it as a personal attack? I wonder if T is concerned that you are putting yourself in a place of vulnerability that she can't respect, and it's leaving you very open to her criticism...

The danger is I could burn out of this really fast. It's progress I haven't already done that. It's progress I am even aware of and processing my own thoughts and feelings.

That does sound like progress. And even better that you are trying to catch early warning stuff before it happens...so....

That's the second professional to tell me this month I am not really fit for work :(

Try and really hear T with this bit. Is it worth looking at alternative responsibilities at work for a short while? Here it would be the occupational health department or HR, but unsure what sort of thing exists where you are. You've managed to identify the difficulty (gold star, cause that's hard enough ) but it needs some action before it overwhelms you into burnout.

 

[sidptitala]

Try and really hear T with this bit

Thank you for saying this to me. I understand that all of you are saying this to me for a reason, so I'm forcing myself to try not taking on too much (although I want take on everything, all at once). It's honestly very strange having other people's input because I've been so used to having to deal with PTSD by myself, without real guidance about it.

I understand that the thing I told him probably sounded extreme (a client came to me last week after she tried to drown herself, in that moment I felt like the river became soldiers and she was the civilian they wanted to kill. I acted the way I would have if it had been soldiers- to stand beside her always and not leave). So much of my reaction was about the stuff I've experienced in war rather than what was happening this week.

The therapist asked me if I was literally seeing those things, like in a psychotic way. I said not literally, the images were just in my mind and they felt real, I don't know. Then he said not to concentrate on what exactly it was, but that with this level of intrusion I need to really step back from those situations at work. (I don't think I can stop them, they happen so so often- but change my reaction maybe?)

You've managed to identify the difficulty (gold star, cause that's hard enough ) but it needs some action before it overwhelms you into burnout.

Thank you for pointing this out- I can see this. This week I suddenly got obsessed with the idea of getting extra training in counselling- I think because I need to learn how to not be one, how to keep boundaries and not be overwhelmed and burn out, fast. I might genuinely look into it because doing this without training is not sustainable for me (I only started this job a few weeks ago). There are so many people at work with PTSD that speak to me as if I am a counsellor. But I'm not and don't have any training about handling people's trauma (and I am so early in the process of dealing with my own, I don't have a lot of resources for doing that, and sometimes clients have more resources than me).

I don't think getting other work assignments is really an option. I am brand new and would just have to leave instead. Having a stable paycheck will be a huge change for me (I´ve been so close this year to eviction, been going hungry etc) and its hard to see how I could ever get to a more stable place without it. And despite how tough it can be at moments it's also the kind of job where you don't have to be present every second which is something I find really hard with the way PTSD affects me. It's easier to have flashbacks without losing my job because I am not expected to always be present in the office. This job is rough but any job would be rough- and being homeless would be rougher so I have to keep it.

Does she have the capacity to be able to hold space and compassion for the letter content without either turning it onto you having failed in some way, or seeing it as a personal attack?

It really could go either way. At times she is a very compassionate woman, but has an enormous blind spot for my dad. So there are reasons for hope and reasons for no hope.

 

[sidptitala]

I can tell that I need to write about the woman who tried to drown herself, and I've been avoiding doing that. What was going through my head at the time, the images I saw, the way I didn't know what I felt until later. And then how I couldn't stop crying about all the people I have not been able to keep safe- not her but all the others. I will come back to this.

I feel dread about winter coming. Depressed summer was so hard, but at least it was warm and beautiful. I feel so much despair not having that warmth and beauty because it was the only thing I had.

I'm not over that depression and I know that. I'm scared. I don't know where this energy for working is coming from (alertness, numbness, not being able to sleep, not having any feelings). Because doing anything but work and lie still is so so hard. Everything is so much and nothing at the same time.

 

[sidptitala]

The therapist asked me if I was literally seeing those things, like in a psychotic way. I said not literally, the images were just in my mind and they felt real, I don't know. Then he said not to concentrate on what exactly it was, but that with this level of intrusion I need to really step back from those situations at work. (I don't think I can stop them, they happen so so often- but change my reaction maybe?)

He also said I told him I was angry but he has never seen my anger. He does not see that in me at all. Maybe I don't express it? But I know it's there.

 

[sidptitala]

I said something major today but felt absolutely fine doing it. Numb even.

I said I felt like he was inside me all the time. 100% of the time when I am going through the day. Impaled by an icicle inside me, squashed by his chest.

I felt fine saying it. I mean I couldn't breathe and I couldn't exhale. I also felt like I had to keep myself absolutely still. Or the barbed wire inside me would tear.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Sending love and care @sidptitala
Your working environment sounds concerning, do you get supervision or debriefing help?

 

[sidptitala]

Sending love and care @sidptitala
Your working environment sounds concerning, do you get supervision or debriefing help?

Thank you @Midnightmoon . I'm sending the same to you.

No we don't have supervision or debriefing. Its not a very organised workplace and its really just up to our discretion how we handle most situations. I really feel like I need some form of training so I will have to find some outside of work, myself.

 

[sidptitala]

Therapist today. He started by saying last week something happened. Did I want to say what I thought it was. I asked what he thought it was. He said I was describing a time when I lost contact with reality and I lost it again when I was talking about it and he was worried about me.

It was really different from what I thought happened. I said I was frustrated by him suggesting I was not fit for work and that I should not try saying these things to my mom. Working and distancing myself from my dad (which is the goal of my letter) seem like my only real options for getting somewhere like safety. He was telling me not to do that and that frustrated me.

I could not get out of there quick enough at the end. Then I got locked in the stairwell of that building I hate- that building it seems is designed so you can't escape from it. Doors that let you through and then lock after you.

My frustration looked like dissociation to him and felt like the need to flee to me. That's interesting.

I'm so guarded around him still. The main obstacle is that I've seen him about 6 times since June and he doesn't know how long I have left, and i don't see him every week but usually don't know that in advance. Which means I often hope to say something and abandon doing that so I am not alone with the problem for a few weeks. The lack of consistency from the start is a problem, I constantly feel like we are starting from scratch. He said last week was a rupture but I feel like that implies there's some sort of ongoing beneficial thing we have going on and I don't think we have that? Because I am still figuring out if I can trust him. I don't think that we have begun.

I'm asking myself do I think he has raped someone? How can a woman ever feel she can know that about a man because all rapists lie? Does he believe i am allowed to hate my dad? Does he believe I'm obliged to forgive him? Why should I trust he is different than the vast majority of men?

Of course these are all the questions it can be so dangerous to ask. I ask myself again whether any therapy is better than no therapy.

 

[sidptitala]

Still thinking a lot about the questions that were asked of me yesterday.

I feel like I am being ungrateful to want to go every week? And to want him to treat me in certain kinds of ways. After all, I am not paying for this and I know there is a waiting list. I've been up to now so determined to get from him whatever he is able to offer. But at the same time there are a lot of things I do have requirements about. I hate having any needs at all and don't feel like I deserve to have those met.

I've been frustrated with other therapists before for these reasons:

• In the months before I got diagnosed with PTSD I went back to someone I had seen before. I couldn't afford to go every week and was getting rapidly worse. It frustrated me because I think I needed something cheaper and more intensive and more guiding (diagnosis, medication, info about ptsd)
• The same therapist as above, how much she preferred small talk with me and not talking about issues
• The male therapist I very successfully did war emdr with once he tried to wade into abuse with me, because he tried to tell me what to think about it and was uncomfortable with any feelings

This problem now is maybe a combination of these