Dom Violence How to move forward and set boundaries

[nursenurse]

You may not be physically damaged (that may be a matter of time, though) but you are psychologically damaged into accepting the abuse.You risk being damaged more. By staying you are enabling the abuse. She doesnt want help, and you stay? You are enabling her. You let her choke you, and you stay? You are enabling her. She manipulates you and wrecks your stuff, and you stay? By accepting the abuse and doing nothing, accepting her doing nothing, and accepting all the blame and negativity thrown at you, you are enabling her. That is not love, that is not caring, it is codependence at its worst. Why should she change? Why should she seek help, when there are zero consequences for her behaviour and a whipping post to heap the blame on. And news for you, she may not ever change. This is beyond PTSD and a superman cape/saint’s halo isn't going to fix it. She is too broken to be in a relationship and quite frankly right now so are you. Get out of dodge and work on yourself and find out why you do not seek better things for yourself. It isn’t about some transgressions you keep throwing in your own face years after they occurred. It isnt about you. It is all about her. She can choose to help herself or not. The only person you can help is you. It starts with taking the blinders off and giving yourself a reality check. Protect yourself. Over and out.

 

[Friday]

I'm the trigger 95% of the time because of my lying and betrayal by doing things behind her back when we first met.

Target. You’re the TARGET. Not the trigger.

Look… regardless of whatever cornucopia of issues your spouse has? YOU are presenting as a classic domestic abuse victim. Because you are. Having suffered years of domestic violence. Of which? About 40-200 different disorders/conditions/profound effects can result from. A couple dozen of which are showing, just in the few parapgraphs you’ve written. I can only imagine how painful your actual life is. And I’ve survived a decade of DV. And can still only imagine. (I don’t have to imagine how good the rest of your life is, if it wasn’t “mostly” good? None of us would stay. Abusive relationships, though, are mostly good/loving relationships… outside of the abuse. The jarring idea being that most relationships? Are neeeeeever abusive. Not once. Much less daily/weekly/a few times a year. Never. Not once. It’s the abuse that makes them abusive relationships.) YOU need to work with a trauma therapist who specializes in DV. For YOU.

Hard money says you won’t. You’ll continue to blame yourself -and excuse them- by any means possible. Because that’s also what most DV victims do. For years, decades, or a lifetime.

 

[Abstract]

Like the others have said, whatever it is she has doesn't impact if her behaviour is acceptable or not. It is unacceptable. And it is damaging you. You wouldn't be here otherwise.

Another aspect of being abused is believing that you are responsible for another person's behaviour. Abusive behaviour tends to generate that response. She has indoctrinated you into believing you are responsible for hers. You are NOT.

There is ZERO way you lying can cause PTSD. Assualt, physical abuse, war? Yes. Not lying.

Also, have you historically had difficulties with conflict and setting boundaries for yourself? Your Ex taking financial advantage of you makes me wonder, and if so, it is a really good idea to address this in therapy.

There are usually reasons why we have problems with boundaries. Most of the time they are related to childhood experiences.

If you swapped this situation around and she was a man and it was someone else's relationship, then what would you think of her behaviour?

 

[Movingforward10]

Maybe the question to ask yourself, to help yourself understand and feel what others here are saying is: would you treat her the way she treats you? And if not, why not?

And, what would you say to someone else who has experienced a partner treating them the way yours treats you?


It must be very scary to come to the realisation that your relationship is abusive and the abuse is not going to stop by the person you love. And that the only way it will stop is by you leaving. That hard, scary, big. It's trauma.

It's also a process to get there. Sometimes a long hard process.
But the starting point is awareness.

 

[anw81]

Thank you all for your responses

I get it. I was there once, and I never thought it could happen to me. I thought I deserved all the shit she did to me because I was a shitty partner and person. But I'm afraid that she was the shitty one - just like your partner. That sucks, because that means it is up to you to do something. I remember that, and how I really, really didn't want to do anything, and especially I did NOT want to leave - doing anything at all seemed terribly difficult and wrong.

I'm sorry this all happened to you. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I know that I do a lot of shitty stuff and I have been a shitty partner but also coming to terms with the fact that her response to when I've been shitty has been far more than whatever shitty I was and been abusive.

I have a lot of guilt about what I did and how manipulative I was for the first year or so of our relationship where I had lied and then it was a slow drain for months afterwards as she kept learning more about how I treated my ex and how I had treated her. For example, I paid for almost all the dates whereas with my wife I paid for less than half of our dates. I took advantage of her kindness and didn't treat her right. She suffered so much and was broken from that and I still feel so much guilt about this and I'm not sure how to come to terms with it

Hard money says you won’t. You’ll continue to blame yourself -and excuse them- by any means possible. Because that’s also what most DV victims do. For years, decades, or a lifetime.

In the last 48 hours of our interactions, I'm seeing it all in a different light and realizing that I need to separate for a bit and give her space to fix the way she responds to me at the bare minimum.

Also, have you historically had difficulties with conflict and setting boundaries for yourself? Your Ex taking financial advantage of you makes me wonder, and if so, it is a really good idea to address this in therapy.

So many examples of this. One of the best things my wife has done is help me set boundaries at work, with family, and with others. She has helped me a ton in setting boundaries where I was being taken advantage of. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that she has helped me externally in all these areas but internally in our relationship she is taking advantage of me.

It must be very scary to come to the realisation that your relationship is abusive and the abuse is not going to stop by the person you love. And that the only way it will stop is by you leaving. That hard, scary, big. It's trauma.

I still feel like I'm underscoring how much shit I've done and how shitty I have been. I've been abusive but where we are today is mostly her abusing me. The thing is, it's not like she can stop easily. She gets really bad stomach pain and throws up if she doesn't let out her anger on me when I mess up. I've seen her in pain on the bathroom floor throwing up because of the stress she gets when I push back or disagree with her.

 

[Abstract]

when I mess up. I've seen her in pain on the bathroom floor throwing up because of the stress she gets when I push back or disagree with her.

This isn't something you can solve. This is a serious concern that she needs to get help for. Either she does have other stuff in her past or she may have a personality disorder. Vomitting because someone pushes back on what you are saying isnt a functional response.

Well done for coming to terms with some of that. And learning boundaries and why you have problems with assertiveness can change ones life. That is perfect material for therapy. Do you know why you struggle with conflict? Lying is often partly about this.

Acknowledging the things we do wrong is a good thing. As long as we can also accurately see the big picture and not get stuck in self flagellation.

 

[Movingforward10]

The thing is, it's not like she can stop easily. S

That's very true it's really really hard to change behaviour. She's got to want to for starters.

She gets really bad stomach pain and throws up if she doesn't let out her anger on me when I mess up. I've seen her in pain on the bathroom floor throwing up because of the stress she gets when I push back or disagree with her.

This is signs of an abused person talking (you, to clarify) because this is you taking on her lies to justify her abuse of you.
Her stress is hers to manage. If she gets herself so stressed that she has physical reactions (and it's a big if!), then the logical next step is to go to a doctor to get help, not to abuse your partner.
This is a bunch of lies to keep you where she wants you. If you take a step back, it makes absolutely no sense.

I'll walk through what makes no sense.
She's in pain but can get better by 'lettring anger out on you'.
That she gets stressed when you disagree with her. It's normal to disagree. Nothing wrong with it. Itrpart of relationships. Yet she reacts to this extreme so that you don't disagree and you see it as messing up.
It's controlling behaviour. And an extreme version of it. This isn't beginner small controlling behaviour but severe, in my opinion.

 

[anw81]

Thanks again for all the help. I've been analyzing our interactions a lot in the last few days thanks to all the thoughts shared here. I've seen how many times in our daily interactions that I'm being abused or controlled and started to create some boundaries. Initially was met with huge temper tantrums but after I didn't budge things have subsided more and I feel that there my be some hope here. I gave up some territory but overall have tried to stay pretty firm on what is unacceptable behavior which is new for me.

“No hell/fury like a woman scorned” is FAR WORSE than PTSD, and infinitely more varied.

I keep going back to this post and I'm struggling with this as I think it really hits what she has gone through. She was shattered and has never recovered from how I lied to her for the start of our relationship. I don't know how to help her through this and it feels like we're stuck in a vicious cycle. She doesn't trust me and I keep making mistakes and manipulating insignificant things and downplaying what I did as I think I'm scared of her anger when I'm wrong. This is the thing that I NEED to fix as well as listening and taking her more seriously.

Do you know why you struggle with conflict? Lying is often partly about this.

I'm not sure but I end up causing way more conflict in our relationship by trying to avoid conflict. My wife like I said before is very principled, honest, and while she keeps things to herself at first when they bother her...when she brings things up it is always extremely direct and aimed at being productive and fixing problems.

I often fear that she is going to be mad at me for mistakes, and then try to minimize/downplay/manipulate aka "lie" rather than facing what I've done wrong. Sometimes it means that we don't fight but usually she catches me and the conflict becomes way more pronounced. I don't even realize that I'm doing it and it's a habitual reaction at this point when she angrily calls me out for something. I know that's not right...but after it happens she usually has to tell me what I said as I don't even remember my reply/excuse as it was so instinctive to get out of trouble.

That she gets stressed when you disagree with her. It's normal to disagree. Nothing wrong with it. Itrpart of relationships. Yet she reacts to this extreme so that you don't disagree and you see it as messing up.

I should add that she has the stomach issue about once every few months and usually it's external stress and not me, although the first few times it's happened has been from when she tried to push her anger down instead of talking to me about it. I also don't just "disagree" and often I'm manipulating like I said above to try and downplay some mistake I made (procrastinating on filing taxes until last day, not remembering her cleanliness protocols etc) rather than full on apologizing and not making any excuses. That's what is triggering to her and causes her to lose it as when we were working through my betrayal and the things I did behind her back I kept arguing and downplaying and it became a huge trauma point for her.

 

[Abstract]

You are responding as an abused person.

 

[anw81]

You are responding as an abused person.

What in particular about the last message makes you say that. I think knowing specifically what you read makes you think that..even if it seems obvious... will help me better realize what is happening to me

 

[abovedown]

What in particular about the last message makes you say that. I think knowing specifically what you read makes you think that..even if it seems obvious... will help me better realize what is happening to me

I can only comment from my view but it seems you are making a lot of excuses to justify your wive's behavior. Just as a victimized individual commonly do in domestic abuse (physical or mental abuse).
as you said yourself lying to your wife about the money you followed to your ex was wrong to do but does not imho justify her constant behavior towards you. Have you considered marriage counseling where you could discuss your situation and decide what to do with your situation?

 

[Friday]

keep going back to this post and I'm struggling with this as I think it really hits what she has gone through. She was shattered and has never recovered from how I lied to her for the start of our relationship. I don't know how to help her through this and it feels like we're stuck in a vicious cycle. She doesn't trust me and I keep making mistakes and manipulating insignificant things and downplaying what I did as I think I'm scared of her anger when I'm wrong. This is the thing that I NEED to fix as well as listening and taking her more seriously.

How do I help someone to stop abusing me? Or How do I stop downplaying what I did and accept that I deserve to be abused?

Do you see how both of these questions are deeply problematic?

Don’t get me wrong, pretty much every victim of abuse WANTS to stop the abuse, WANTS to make it in their power to do so, & WANTS the person they love to stay in their life… so how do we make that happen?!? FEELS reasonable.

Try flipping it around… what if someone came to you? Is it still reasonable that they’re both responsible for being abused AND someone else’s thoughts/actions (so they’re the ones who are responsible stopping it, by helping their abusive partner)? Abuse is the fault of the victim? If they would just do ABC-XYZ, they wouldn’t be abused, anymore, because they wouldn’t deserve it?