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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

littleoc said:
Maybe I shouldn't casually invalidate myself. B
Click to expand...
Ya think? And yes, I say that with love while swinging my feather duster!

I so very much wish you could see you how I see you -- As a capable, loving, kind human being who is stuck in a bad situation thru no fault of her own and who deserves validation of the challenges she has.

I get the money thing too -- I always kinda panic when finances go south so I'm glad you finally got your check.
 
I appreciate that.

Just here to post some word vomit i randomly texted to a friend after being grossed out by the bathroom floor.
i do not think my mom has been making it into the toilet more than 40% of the time
[3:24 AM]
and i do not think she can see well enough to notice
[3:24 AM]
stuff like that makes it take soooo much longer to shower/dry/clothe
[3:25 AM]
but i am clean and dry and dressed
[3:25 AM]
hair too long to go to bed with wet hairs tho
[3:25 AM]
i do not like living with my mother and i literally never have lol
[3:26 AM]
was realizing earlier today while doing litter that those adults who told me not to run away were fundamentally incorrect
[3:26 AM]
running away was the healthiest thing i ever did lol
[3:26 AM]
it's an instinct for a reason
[3:28 AM]
and it often gets the attention of other adults. and while many of those adults will have bad intentions, if ur already that vulnerable then ur already in danger. that is the purpose of the instinct. but better yet, much of the time u can find an adult who cares, especially if ur a resourceful child like i was, and in a society they can literally get u help
[3:28 AM]
aka i shoulda done it repeatedly until the police got involved
[3:28 AM]
woulda saved a lot of trouble
[3:28 AM]
my instincts were correct
[3:28 AM]
i had better odds elsewhere
[3:29 AM]
i have literally never liked it here and im constantly feeling trapped and ultra claustrophobic and my mom shits and pisses on the floor and i never even viewed her as my mom lol
[3:29 AM]
i just want to go to the ocean ✨
[3:29 AM]
little me was soooo right
Click to expand...
 
I pasted that here because I think it's an important thing to have noticed about myself. I was following instincts, and that may be why I'm constantly fighting the urge to "disappear" and drive to the ocean and never come back.

Now days I also have a conflicting instinct, which is to stay near family and take fewer risks.

It is hard to choose the "correct" or best-for-me choice. Especially while being so poor and so stubborn about keeping my family of cats, since I cannot have children. I'd like to adopt sometime but am not in the dating scene or anything. Obviously not important right now -- i havent even looked at how to have a family because i never, ever would while living here.

My mom's covered the dining room table again enough for things to get knocked down under it again. When I mentioned it needed to be cleared off, my mom quite literally blamed the cat. I wanted to respond that the cat does not put things on the table, only knocks off what's already there, but it wasn't worth the effort.

I have gone through several plans to get out of here and they are not working. I have circled back to plan C, from 2018. It is not going well. I am extremely poor. I am not making enough money on disability for more than two bills, it feels like. I'm not sure what to do yet.

um. searching for any good news. ... ... my service dog, though technically on a step-above-palliative-care care, is doing SHOCKINGLY well and yells at me if i try to leave without her :P. my original plan was to quietly and peacefully end my life after her passing, but i think i need to cancel those plans for now. my best friend would be annoyed. my cats would be devastated. as would my bird. i think the reptiles would miss me in the way my best friend would, in that they love and trust me but do not NEED me the way mammals and birds do. (also my best friend isn't a reptile. im very sure he'd become very depressed if i left him with no way to escape his own abusive situation. and also because it's very traumatic when a friend commits suicide. he's a human being and would not appreciate it.)

slinky the cat told me she's feeling MUCH better now that she got to see the vet yesterday and get her lil butt bite treated.

I do honestly wish I had killed myself as a child. I feel used and dysfunctional. Otherwise, though, doing okay. Feeling trapped. Feeling like chasing a hurricane. :)
 
Good to see you back!

littleoc said:
I feel like I got a lot better, but with little actual benefit. Does that make sense?
Click to expand...
yepper - makes total sense.

My thoughts are that we do all this hard, miserable, yucky work and the reward never seems to fit the price. Then I remember it's not about equal work. It's about letting go of the weight we drag around with us for years, which prevent us from really moving forward. So we don't always see the little gains we are making that are adding up - and will one day be a huge better happier life.

If that makes any sort of sense?
 
Wish I could think 🤔 react to you Freida :P

I'm not sure if I vibe (so to speak) with the "one day it'll all be worth it" idea. I am certainly better overall, but in the here and now is all I really have. So if here and now isn't right enough somehow, then I can't really care about the some day part.

And also thank you for the welcome back :) I was afraid to come back and look depressing.



I am seeing a new therapist tomorrow (again) and am somewhat dreading it. I am not sure how to summarize (again) what she needs to know. Especially when all I really need to do is somehow get out of here. Dumb.

Also having to stay up late because a cat got out and I'm waiting for him to wander back (he always does) (but he might have to wait outside tonight :/ if he waits too much longer).
 
Three things I'm grateful for:
  1. Petting cats. I have 100 cats and they all love me and trust me
  2. I got to make it to the spirit halloween 50% off sale before they put things in storage to sell next year. It was still expensive, but I got to grab a funny flamingo hat that I saw last year that presumably sat in storage for over a year, because it had the same mark on its tag from damage as last year. So now I have a funny hat I really like :) and a couple of other fun things.
  3. This website is still up and running. as are discord ones for PTSD "forums" but they don't have my diary in them and aren't as easy for me to keep up with atm. idk

Three times I felt safe today:
  1. While petting cats
  2. after I showered and was dried off and in clean clothes
  3. shopping in the spirit halloween, oddly enough
 
I was unable to make it to my therapy appointment today, but I did get extra rest :)

I am watching videos on youtube about the impact that killed most life and the dinosaurs, and how the impact actually worked. Winds over that of a category 5 hurricane -- and over jet stream speed -- seem like a mute point when the entire earth is on fire. It's amazing our small ancestors survived such an amazing event. Shockwaves from it destroyed almost everything in the North and South American continents, and tsunamis covered every other continent. They were practically a moot point under all that fire, rock debris, and temperatures over 1000 degrees C. It was as if 8,700,000 Tzar bombs had been dropped. Would've been a sight to see.

Makes it seem insane that there are any birds in the Americas :P

Living as a species after an apocalypse, to such an extent that this is now a completely different planet, is amazing
 

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