I don't think my family is good for me

[RainbowSearchParty]

And when do I make the choice to not engage with them anymore?

One parent isn't always sober. The other is just mean. Plain old mean, which is almost harder to deal with than the drunk one. And they are both part of the reason I have DID, and I just secretly hate hate hate them.

I made the mistake of visiting them, and I'm feeling so, so overwhelmed by being around them. This is not good for me. But how does one actually make the choice to disconnect?

 

[Movingforward10]

it’s such a hard hard decision. One I have gone round and round on. I’m currently, through encouragement of my T, being in more of a relationship with my mumto try and work past the triggers, rather than going no contact.

what’s stopping you from going no contact?
what’s making you stay in contact?
and if you do stay in some form of contact, what do you need from yourself to make it less triggering? (That’s the bit I’m working on at the moment).

 

[shimmerz]

I’m currently, through encouragement of my T, being in more of a relationship with my mumto try and work past the triggers, rather than going no contact.

Really happy to hear about this. I think there can be a lot of steps before going non-contact. Have you considered this @RainbowSearchParty or do you feel no contact is the only way to go? I think for me the power would be in repairing, but that would mean being heard by the other parties involved. I feel like there isn't the possibility of being heard then there may be no other choice than going no contact but would love to hear that you had a happier ending.

 

[arfie]

But how does one actually make the choice to disconnect?

my own case was criminally extreme, but it was still a professionally guided choice of last resort. i officiated the choice in a private (just me) ceremony in august of 1977, about midway through the exodus which put 1800 miles of physical distance between myself and "the tribe." nearly half a century later, i still have mixed emotions on the decision. on the supporting end, it did simplify my day-to-day dramas. i think. maybe. on the opposing end, i still feel incomplete. i call that feeling, "phantom limb syndrome." however diseased the amputated appendage, the body still craves its presence. family is not about right or wrong. it is about being complete.

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel like there isn't the possibility of being heard then there may be no other choice than going no contact but would love to hear that you had a happier ending.

I too agree strongly with the above. Both choices will involve pain.

family is not about right or wrong. it is about being complete.

^^ If I could love this post a thousand times I would.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

what’s stopping you from going no contact?
what’s making you stay in contact?
and if you do stay in some form of contact, what do you need from yourself to make it less triggering? (That’s the bit I’m working on at the moment).

There is a younger person involved who needs support. This is what keeps me involved, because supporting this younger and more vulnerable person is more important to me than whatever goes on in my own emotional life. But I'm reaching a point where I'm wondering if my own emotional difficulties are making it even harder to support this young person.

I think for me the power would be in repairing, but that would mean being heard by the other parties involved.

This is the thing. There is nothing I can do about the party on the receiving end. I feel like I've done all the work on my end, but they are not rational, and there is just nothing I can do about that.

family is not about right or wrong. it is about being complete.

And I guess I'm seeing that it will never be complete either way. If I stay, if I go, it will never be complete. So I don't know if it makes a difference?

I too agree strongly with the above. Both choices will involve pain.

And there is so much pain in maintaining this right now, in attempting to be in this relationship ....

 

[user27357]

i cant imagine having the disdain for my childrens feelings my parents showed for my feelings. It just isnt there and i cant see how they got there, except it was part of their religion and they were told to hold me in contempt. I guess we were all lucky no one told them they should fly planes into buildings.
Anyway, i finally realized that they werent capable of giving the love a child deserves and i left. many years later they seemed like they had changed but when it came right down to it any change was only to suit their needs, not mine. I never spoke to them again after that was clear to me.
we all need the love of our parents and it is natural to hold out all hope that it will come to us, realizing it wasn’t coming was the first step in getting over the damage they inflicted. going no contact was the second. still working on the remaining steps

 

[Movingforward10]

There is a younger person involved who needs support. This is what keeps me involved, because supporting this younger and more vulnerable person is more important to me than whatever goes on in my own emotional life. But I'm reaching a point where I'm wondering if my own emotional difficulties are making it even harder to support this young person.

Ah, ok.
So, it's then about managing your responses to your parent's behaviour of you're remaining in contact with them.
This is a really hard thing to do. But (I'm told!) it is something to do with acceptance. I think there is a difference between knowing how your parents will treat you to accepting it. Or at least I have found that.
And then maybe changing your responses. I'm working on asking my mum questions about her behaviour. And also telling her what I need from her if she wants more of a relationship with me. Not in the hope that she will change but in expressing myself so that I can feel empowered and in control as opposed to put down and controlled by her.
What has helped me get to where I am currently at, is how awfully she has treated my dad when he was dying, the day he died, and since. The awfulness of her behaviour has helped to accept that her behaviour is hers, and never was a reflection of me. I always was worthy of the love she couldn't give. And that view point has helped shift some of the triggers. Not all, as I'm working through it still. But a lot. So, it does seem to be acceptance helps. If that makes any sense.
Acceptance of who they are and then you deciding what type of relationship you can tolerate.

Or, is there another way of looking after the younger one that avoids contact with your parents? Can someone else help? Or is younger one of an age where you can contact them independently?

 

[arfie]

If I stay, if I go, it will never be complete.

i once viewed this as a great tragedy. i have since come to believe i can say the same about most anything in this life, especially here in my euphemistically golden years. i still stand by my own decision with the criminally extreme factors attached, but it was far from a perfect solution. the limb was diseased enough to make amputation the healthier option, but i still miss the limb.

the good news is that i learned how to win a pig chasing contest on one leg. made me the most told joke in the county.

 

[Freemartin]

I went no contact with my FOO when I just couldn’t bear them any longer. I didn’t plan it, I just had enough during one phone call. I hang up and blocked my father from all means of communication. (My mom’s got Altzheimer’s and was unable to communicate via phone or email.)

Shortly after going no contact I was deeply shaken by how bad the situation had become. I was shocked to see how crazy they’d been and how much I had suffered. Guess one never really sees those things while staying in contact with violent ppl.

It’s been 2,5 yrs and I haven’t had one single moment of regret. Even though I had previously thought I wouldn’t been able to do it.

 

[Tinyflame]

And this is the thing, I'm not sure you can point out violence or scapegoating or disrespect and get anywhere. You can only I think try to come from a place of peace, self responsibility and respect. Loving if possible, especially towards the younger one who needs it. It may require jumping through some hoops to get there. If you decide you will try and prioritize it you will be able to at least somewhat. Remember your goal and go from there. It will be very much appreciated one day. The worst thing for them is to be isolated, IMHO.

 

[Friday]

My family? Is amaaaazing. Good people, damn good people, and true friends. 3 categories. Quite distinct. ALL good. I’ve completely cut them off… oh, 2 or 3 times? For years at a time. Because that is what ***I*** needed. It was about me. And what I needed. Which was distance.

So it always baffles me, a bit, when people come from abusive/horrifying/evil/assholes and CLING to them.

Only a BIT, because abusive families breed more abuse.

GOOD families? Understand someone might need some space. Because reasons. And will MISS them, but also understand. And rejoice, upon reunion. Instead of revile.

Who you’re born to? Good, bad, indifferent? Is just that.