Weird therapy session regarding suicidal thoughts

[Charbella]

sorry I gave you the impression that it somehow wasn't.

You didn’t. I wanted to respect whatever you needed and I very much thought it would have people who felt the way they did, dig in deeper and totally derail what you have here.

I hope you find a provider who can better help you!

 

[Applecore]

Thanks all. You too, @Friday

It was a long day and I'm a bit too emotionally drained to reply to this thread properly.

I do appreciate people's input and I do appreciate being challenged. I have to admit, that I do find challenges easiest to digest, when they feel more like a nudge in the ribs than a smack in the face. Maybe that's just me. I tend to get my heckles up and just instinctually defensive, when a challenge is too full-on for me to take on board constructively.

Anyway, from reactions here and three other threads where I've seen it mentioned, it seems this topic has really touched a raw nerve in a variety of different ways.

I hope it's clear, that that was never my intention. I was just genuinely trying to process the weirdness of the dynamic in therapy between this T and me about this (admittedly challenging) topic.

Anyway, I'm wondering whether it's worthwhile opening up a parallel thread to this one, for people who've been affected and/ or traumatised by suicides of others. Obviously that's a really valid and important topic and there's much to be said about it.

And yes, obviously my (and other people's) suicidal ideation forms a Venn Diagram with a certain degree of overlap with suicides that others have committed. Those things aren't wholly unrelated.

While many here have said that experiencing a suicide in their family or friends has led to them ruling out the option of suicide for themselves, forever, due to the force of that experience (which I find very understandable) - I'm not sure it's "transferrable" to others by way of gory examples. That 2nd hand account, no matter how gory it's portrayed, doesn't have that same sobering effect that witnessing the fallout from a suicide seems to have, first-hand.

I don't think very many people can be guilt-tripped or shamed out of their feelings or thoughts of suicide. At least I know for a fact that I can't.

And I'm not suicidal because I don't care... Probably in my case it's the opposite... Childhood trauma taught me to always put my needs last and to care about others more - and in a long chain of events, that's one of the driving forces that led me to getting so burned out that I no longer care whether I live or die... And that "not caring" is so deep, so primal, that yes, it also applies to not caring how that affects anyone else, at this point. Not because I'm someone who doesn't care, but because I'm someone who's had the caring sucked out of her and finds there's just none left.

I never used to be this kind of suicidal... All my life, it was just something that would crop up in moments of overwhelm and then be dealt with in appropriate crisis-intervention manner and then I'd go back to normal. But after this trauma at 40, I completely lost the will to live and it's been the most shocking experience of my life... And I've been clueless as to how on earth to deal with it... I may start another thread about this issue, because it's one that really puzzles and troubles me... Previously, I knew trauma that causes PTSD. Knew how to deal with that, even tho it was a huge challenge. But then, along came the kind of trauma that breaks you, that leaves you catatonic, where you feel like you've died inside and your body is just a shell that's forgotten to die along with your insides, where you no longer know who you are or why you're still alive or what to do about any of it. I've been in a state of shock about all that and just have been mechanically placing one foot before the other and forcing myself to keep going, scared that I'll come completely undone and collapse, if I stop forcing myself to keep going. A very strange, scary, numb survival mode. And I've been throwing all those PTSD-coping-skills I'd learned at it, and it's been to absolutely and utterly no avail. This is a different beast altogether.

And this T is out of his depth with it. And because there's no rapport between us, he won't let me lead him, so that I can intuitively show him the trauma, and I won't let him lead me, to try and let him intuitively find a way out of it for me. It's just a bad fit and it's become very apparent with this challenging issue of suicidalness.

I'm sorry it's triggered some people or angered others, or whatever. Not my intention.

Also, sorry for those that have been exposed to too much SI talk over the years, whether that's been as a cry for help or a suicide threat, or whatever. Also not my intention. I generally don't talk about this stuff, because I don't want to burden anyone with it. I assume we're all carrying our burdens and no one needs me to add my stuff to their load. So I tend to just carry that kind of load silently, until/ unless I think there's actually some specific value that could be gained from discussing it.

This thread has been valuable for me. If nothing else, it's pushed me to really think about how I feel about this and to formulate it better, instead of it being this painful fog that's hard to grasp.

Thanks for what you wrote in your diary too @Charbella . It would've been totally appropriate for you to write here, sorry I gave you the impression that it somehow wasn't. And I agree with everything you wrote there.

Anyway... I'm still wondering whether it's a good idea to open up a parallel thread about how much damage committed suicides can wreak... It's a profound issue that's adjacent to this one, but I do think it's worth keeping it separate, because throwing it all in one big pot just blurs the issues to the point of it being unhelpful and doing more harm than good.

Another couple of issues come to my mind, for what it's worth. One is, full disclosure: I don't believe therapy did much for me in what has been my genuine improved management of CPTSD including SI, which I no longer suffer from. I fired every therapist I tried within a few sessions.

That's even though I wholeheartedly believe that therapy very often does help and I would always recommend people try it out. You're well within your rights to fire yours if it feels like it's going nowhere, whatever the topic of discussion that they don't respond satisfactorily to. It might be that you are also someone who can improve certain things without therapy but with self-help in its many forms.

Of the two therapists that I gave a bit more time (like a month, so four or five sessions), one I fired because he gave me the silent treatment despite me begging him for some techniques to overcome the torture of intrusive thoughts (which reminds me a bit of yours) and the other I fired because she seemed to be hitting on me and then got physical without warning. There's a lot of unprofessionalism out there and we should not pay for it. If yours isn't doing his job, fire him.

That said, interesting things have come up in this discussion, which leads me to my second thought. You mentioned that you are autistic and are exploring your autism in specialized therapy. Given there are known connections between autism and shame (including struggles with handling criticism), and known connections between shame and depression, have you explored these links specifically?

 

[Applecore]

P.S. so many people say EMDR saved them from PTSD that if you're about to try it, I think you should go for it before you fire him. I would have tried it back in the day if it was offered to me.

 

[PamelaS]

Therapy session today was nigh on useless again.

The rapport between me and this therapist is so... I dunno... non-existent?

I feel like I'm speaking Greek and he's speaking Chinese.

We didn't do EMDR today cos I said I wanted to try and verbalise some aspects that were important to me.

I think it was good for me to be able to say it... to speak it out loud.

Other than that, I'm not sure there was any therapeutic value to it because T kept blandly repeating (bleating) back at me, the crux of what I was saying.

I assume he's attempting some kind of mirroring technique. It's not working tho.

I feel like: I drive to my dentist and tell him one of my teeth is painfully sore. Instead of doing anything about it, my dentist just blandly comiserates that the tooth looks painful. Then the appointment ends and I drive back home.

It seems so utterly pointless and useless. Just wasted time and petrol for the 1 hour drive.

Ugh

We've vaguely agreed to try EMDR for this issue next time. (In 3 weeks)

The only semi-beneficial, unintentional side-effect this ineffective therapy is having is that I'm pushed to figure it out by myself.

It feels like I'm watching Youtube videos on DYI dentistry and figuring out how to painlessly extract a tooth.

I dunno... Yay for self-reliance and DIY Youtube videos?

At least my system has shut down to numb this pain so it's not a sense of crisis, just quiet desparation.

Personally, I cannot comprehend how an unhealthy relationship between therapist and patient can be constructive. Unless there is a supportive relationship by the therapist, I truly believe it can cause more damage. Personally, I don’t stay with anyone I don’t trust. They have to earn my trust. For good reason. And they are there to take care of me, not to “do their thing.” so if it is not working for me, I do not stay. Hoping and praying that you’re able to sort this out and get to a better place. If finding a different therapist might do that then please consider that. There is absolutely no point to staying in a situation that is causing you more distress. Please think about it. Thank you.

 

[PamelaS]

Personally, I cannot comprehend how an unhealthy relationship between therapist and patient can be constructive. Unless there is a supportive relationship by the therapist, I truly believe it can cause more damage. Personally, I don’t stay with anyone I don’t trust. They have to earn my trust. For good reason. And they are there to take care of me, not to “do their thing.” so if it is not working for me, I do not stay. Hoping and praying that you’re able to sort this out and get to a better place. If finding a different therapist might do that then please consider that. There is absolutely no point to staying in a situation that is causing you more distress. Please think about it. Thank you.

Since Covid, the possibility of virtual therapy and virtual doctor appointments have become a reality in some areas. I hope and pray that you can at least find someone who will work with you in this way. Wishing you well as you look into the excellent inpatient option in the near future. Do the best you can with what you have until then. We can only do what we can do. And we can only do one thing at a time, one day at a time. Thank you for this thread. Because of my experience with my father committing suicide when I was 16 and the horrible aftermath of that, I was able to coach my son to stay alive for 24 years of active suicide and suicidal ideation. Then when I was forced to move back to my abused husband or choose homelessness, his treatment of me was too much for me to bear, and for the first time ever in my life I tried to take my own life four times. Looking back, I don’t see that there was any other option. My son is still at 27, dependent on me. I’ve been physically disabled for 25 years. We could not survive on the streets. Thankfully, good has come out of evil. It has taken me two years to become physically and emotionally safe on the same property with my husband using boundaries. I am no longer suicidal. I never had suicidal ideation. I just could not take it anymore. Plain and simple.
I have appreciated this thread because Suicide has been so much a part of my life for all of my life. Thank you. Best wishes as you move forward always seeking to get to a better place in your healing journey.

 

[Applecore]

Since Covid, the possibility of virtual therapy and virtual doctor appointments have become a reality in some areas. I hope and pray that you can at least find someone who will work with you in this way. Wishing you well as you look into the excellent inpatient option in the near future. Do the best you can with what you have until then. We can only do what we can do. And we can only do one thing at a time, one day at a time. Thank you for this thread. Because of my experience with my father committing suicide when I was 16 and the horrible aftermath of that, I was able to coach my son to stay alive for 24 years of active suicide and suicidal ideation. Then when I was forced to move back to my abused husband or choose homelessness, his treatment of me was too much for me to bear, and for the first time ever in my life I tried to take my own life four times. Looking back, I don’t see that there was any other option. My son is still at 27, dependent on me. I’ve been physically disabled for 25 years. We could not survive on the streets. Thankfully, good has come out of evil. It has taken me two years to become physically and emotionally safe on the same property with my husband using boundaries. I am no longer suicidal. I never had suicidal ideation. I just could not take it anymore. Plain and simple.
I have appreciated this thread because Suicide has been so much a part of my life for all of my life. Thank you. Best wishes as you move forward always seeking to get to a better place in your healing journey.

Dear Pamela,

Your words are beautiful.

I am wishing you a beautiful day.

Thank you for being here.

Applecore

 

[Applecore]

@Ecdysis

Take your time, I just wanted to let you know I am still patiently waiting for your reply - if you do want to reply, and I would fully understand if you would prefer not to.

I am referring to (1) our questions to you about what response you feel you would have preferred from the trauma therapist about ideation and (2) my question about whether you have explored the known connections between autism, shame and depression yet in your parallel, autism-focused therapy.

I feel a sense of wanting to be your ally, given your very helpful responses to me in the past. It's also because of my own experience of having a mother with autistic traits. She has self-diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and everyone who knows her would tend to agree with her. She's never scored for high traits in online tests due to what she and I suppose is 'autistic masking'.

She has had a highly traumatic life and shame seems to have some kind of relationship with that, and has had times of depression and bursts of anger. She also has heavily 'avoidant' and 'dissociative' features and can appear to be highly self-absorbed, lacking in empathy, highly critical while intolerant of criticism - but she remains fun, fascinated by the world in a delightful way, funny, caring, and highly affectionate. That is why, despite a lot of confusion, trouble and tension and even emotional abuse form her that I have had to learn to curtail, she is possibly my best friend, who I love and appreciate very much.

She is rather more 'avoidant' than you are and does not want to explore this in treatment too deeply, as she has learned to cope and to be loved just the way she is. But I really believe exploring the factor of shame would have helped her.

As you appear to be on a journey of discovery, might you be interested in this subject of shame, explored in an workbook which I recently found? It has great opening pages that make a lot of sense to me.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi @Applecore

Thank you. I will come back to this. I'm taking some time to distance myself from the topic tho, because it was quite intense and took a lot of energy and I need to clear my headspace a bit and try to take some of the emotion out of it.

 

[Applecore]

Hi @Applecore

Thank you. I will come back to this. I'm taking some time to distance myself from the topic tho, because it was quite intense and took a lot of energy and I need to clear my headspace a bit and try to take some of the emotion out of it.

Entirely understood. Take your time - and no pressure, whatever you decide to do.

All the best,

Applecore

 

[Ecdysis]

Adding to this because I had another strange therapy experience today, unexpectedly.

I enquired at a local inpatient place specialising in chronic pain and after the initial appointment there, I had my 2nd appointment there today with a different therapist/ Dr.

The first session was okay, today's session was strange.

My gut instinct says "Don't sign up for this therapy". But I feel like I no longer know whether to trust my gut instinct.

I can't say why exactly... The best I can do is to vaguely describe what felt very off.

There was quite a lot of boundary crossing going on... In a way that didn't feel appropriate at all.

For one thing, it seems I spoke with "too little affect" again... (As far as I know, this is common with trauma, but eh, whatever...) So this Dr was like "I hear you saying how painful this is, but your affect is really flat." So we discussed that and I said I didn't want to go into the deeper issues that would make me cry... But then, that's what we did, so I sat there bawling... It seems that was the affect she was looking for... Ughhhhhhhhh....

Two other things that I found weird and inappropriate... One is that from the damage to my back, I've lost some of the nerves in my leg and foot... So can't feel some parts of my leg and foot and can't use/ control some of those muscles anymore either... Anyway, as the weather was warm, I'd decided to put on sandals today, that I hadn't worn since before back surgery and the Dr pointed out that they were "inappropriate shoes for someone with difficulty with the muscles and nerves in their foot".

The thing is, she said it kind of aggressively, as if me wearing those sandals meant that I must obviously be faking the muscle and nerve issues...? As she said it, a chill ran down my back... I've had such weird experiences around the issue of chronic pain... Mostly, thanks to childhood trauma, I'm just used to ignoring physical pain beyond all reasonable limits and dissociating it away... Only when it becomes utterly unbearable, do I seek help... And then to get caught up in a system that seems to assume that all people with chronic pain are somehow faking it to get pain meds, or something is so, so, so weird... I feel like I've walked in on some weird dynamic that I'm not aware of and don't know how to behave in...

Anyway, so I got quite dark when she said that... That weird, accusatory shit... That feels so unhealthy...

I said to her, that actually, I'd put the sandals on that day, knowing I'd have trouble walking in them, but that I wanted to wear them anyway, because I like those sandals and because the weather was warm... Surely, women putting on nice looking shoes and putting up with discomfort, is one of the most common/ normal things in the world?? Anyway, as I walked from the car to this clinic, I noticed just how bad this choice of shoes was... My foot was in them all crooked cos of the damaged nerves and muscles and with each step the leather of the sandal was digging into my foot, causing a really sore, open blister. I chose to grit my teeth (cos what else could I do? I couldn't change my shoes there and then... Should I have taken them off and walked there barefoot and made a spectacle of myself?)

I told her all this... But felt like I shouldn't have to be justifying my poor choice of footwear...?? Because she was jumping to conclusions that if I was wearing sandals, then the nerve and muscle damage must be fake?

The same thing happened with another issue... We talked about going inpatient (which I don't want to do - I just want to do some of their outpatient programmes) and I said that I don't want to go inpatient because I have animals to care for. She asked which types of animals and I named them and again, she got all weird and said that taking care of these animals is a physical job and made it sound like I can't possibly have such bad pain if I'm choosing to keep animals.

Again, I was like WTF? I got these animals back when I had chronic but sort of bearable pain and the pain has gotten so much worse the last few years, but I've decided not to get rid of the animals because of that. I'd rather die than do that. But apparently, that makes no sense to her. So the fact that I care for these animals, even when I'm in massive pain, and that these animals are what keeps me going on those days... That makes no sense to her?

I dunno... they feel like major red flags to me.

At the same time, my instinct is to chide myself for being "too sensitive" and telling myself to suck it up and just do the treatment despite the fact that it feels like a poor fit.

But then I think it'll just land me in the same mess as it did with this therapist, that is such a poor fit that I started this thread about.

My gut instinct is that this is a poor fit and it doesn't feel right.

Why have I stopped listening to my gut instinct? Have I lost so much faith in myself? Have I lost so much faith in the possibility of finding a good fit, that I force myself to put up with a poor fit?

I used to have the courage and the drive to keep looking until I found a good fit.

I don't know what to do...

I've been in situations similar to this before tho... Therapy settings where it's a really, reeeeeally bad fit... And I've "made an effort" and "tried my best" but then, at the end of it, I've walked away from settings like that with a report saying "This patient wears sandals and keeps animals, which indicates that she can't be experiencing the level of pain she reports. When this was pointed out to her, she got angry."

This doesn't feel like a therapy setting where they accept where you are at and then try and improve that situation a bit.

It feels like a therapy set up where they think they know "what is right" and "what is best" and if you don't comply with that, they find a reasonable sounding explanation of why you're doing everything wrong and refusing to follow their treatment advice.

Ughhhhhh

All the red flags are there...

And my brain is still like "But maybe we can just ignore them? Maybe it won't be so bad? Maybe...?"

FFS @Ecdysis you're old enough to know better. You know how these things go. You've had the warning signs. Bow out gracefully. Say thanks but no thanks. Take the information from today's appointment that was useful and move on and find something more suitable.

What you're feeling is the entanglement of someone having crossed your boundaries and having tested whether you'll put up with that. This is someone with a personality that wants control and who is trying to figure out, whether you will hand it over to them. You're being drawn into that dynamic, and it feels like you are "supposed" to engage.

Come on, you're old enough and wise enough and experienced enough not to get caught up in that. Stop being so desperate as to reach for the next best option. Say no. Breath. Breathe again. And again. Trust that better options are available and you will find them. Think of how amazing your current physical therapist is and how amazing the autism therapist is. Think of how amazing your old therapist and your old Dr and your old social worker were, before they all retired. There are excellent people out there...

Trust that you will find new excellent people and you will do excellent work with them...

People that tell you that "you're doing it all wrong" and that make you feel stupid, don't have your best interests at heart...

 

[Applecore]

Adding to this because I had another strange therapy experience today, unexpectedly.

I enquired at a local inpatient place specialising in chronic pain and after the initial appointment there, I had my 2nd appointment there today with a different therapist/ Dr.

The first session was okay, today's session was strange.

My gut instinct says "Don't sign up for this therapy". But I feel like I no longer know whether to trust my gut instinct.

I can't say why exactly... The best I can do is to vaguely describe what felt very off.

There was quite a lot of boundary crossing going on... In a way that didn't feel appropriate at all.

For one thing, it seems I spoke with "too little affect" again... (As far as I know, this is common with trauma, but eh, whatever...) So this Dr was like "I hear you saying how painful this is, but your affect is really flat." So we discussed that and I said I didn't want to go into the deeper issues that would make me cry... But then, that's what we did, so I sat there bawling... It seems that was the affect she was looking for... Ughhhhhhhhh....

Two other things that I found weird and inappropriate... One is that from the damage to my back, I've lost some of the nerves in my leg and foot... So can't feel some parts of my leg and foot and can't use/ control some of those muscles anymore either... Anyway, as the weather was warm, I'd decided to put on sandals today, that I hadn't worn since before back surgery and the Dr pointed out that they were "inappropriate shoes for someone with difficulty with the muscles and nerves in their foot".

The thing is, she said it kind of aggressively, as if me wearing those sandals meant that I must obviously be faking the muscle and nerve issues...? As she said it, a chill ran down my back... I've had such weird experiences around the issue of chronic pain... Mostly, thanks to childhood trauma, I'm just used to ignoring physical pain beyond all reasonable limits and dissociating it away... Only when it becomes utterly unbearable, do I seek help... And then to get caught up in a system that seems to assume that all people with chronic pain are somehow faking it to get pain meds, or something is so, so, so weird... I feel like I've walked in on some weird dynamic that I'm not aware of and don't know how to behave in...

Anyway, so I got quite dark when she said that... That weird, accusatory shit... That feels so unhealthy...

I said to her, that actually, I'd put the sandals on that day, knowing I'd have trouble walking in them, but that I wanted to wear them anyway, because I like those sandals and because the weather was warm... Surely, women putting on nice looking shoes and putting up with discomfort, is one of the most common/ normal things in the world?? Anyway, as I walked from the car to this clinic, I noticed just how bad this choice of shoes was... My foot was in them all crooked cos of the damaged nerves and muscles and with each step the leather of the sandal was digging into my foot, causing a really sore, open blister. I chose to grit my teeth (cos what else could I do? I couldn't change my shoes there and then... Should I have taken them off and walked there barefoot and made a spectacle of myself?)

I told her all this... But felt like I shouldn't have to be justifying my poor choice of footwear...?? Because she was jumping to conclusions that if I was wearing sandals, then the nerve and muscle damage must be fake?

The same thing happened with another issue... We talked about going inpatient (which I don't want to do - I just want to do some of their outpatient programmes) and I said that I don't want to go inpatient because I have animals to care for. She asked which types of animals and I named them and again, she got all weird and said that taking care of these animals is a physical job and made it sound like I can't possibly have such bad pain if I'm choosing to keep animals.

Again, I was like WTF? I got these animals back when I had chronic but sort of bearable pain and the pain has gotten so much worse the last few years, but I've decided not to get rid of the animals because of that. I'd rather die than do that. But apparently, that makes no sense to her. So the fact that I care for these animals, even when I'm in massive pain, and that these animals are what keeps me going on those days... That makes no sense to her?

I dunno... they feel like major red flags to me.

At the same time, my instinct is to chide myself for being "too sensitive" and telling myself to suck it up and just do the treatment despite the fact that it feels like a poor fit.

But then I think it'll just land me in the same mess as it did with this therapist, that is such a poor fit that I started this thread about.

My gut instinct is that this is a poor fit and it doesn't feel right.

Why have I stopped listening to my gut instinct? Have I lost so much faith in myself? Have I lost so much faith in the possibility of finding a good fit, that I force myself to put up with a poor fit?

I used to have the courage and the drive to keep looking until I found a good fit.

I don't know what to do...

I've been in situations similar to this before tho... Therapy settings where it's a really, reeeeeally bad fit... And I've "made an effort" and "tried my best" but then, at the end of it, I've walked away from settings like that with a report saying "This patient wears sandals and keeps animals, which indicates that she can't be experiencing the level of pain she reports. When this was pointed out to her, she got angry."

This doesn't feel like a therapy setting where they accept where you are at and then try and improve that situation a bit.

It feels like a therapy set up where they think they know "what is right" and "what is best" and if you don't comply with that, they find a reasonable sounding explanation of why you're doing everything wrong and refusing to follow their treatment advice.

Ughhhhhh

All the red flags are there...

And my brain is still like "But maybe we can just ignore them? Maybe it won't be so bad? Maybe...?"

FFS @Ecdysis you're old enough to know better. You know how these things go. You've had the warning signs. Bow out gracefully. Say thanks but no thanks. Take the information from today's appointment that was useful and move on and find something more suitable.

What you're feeling is the entanglement of someone having crossed your boundaries and having tested whether you'll put up with that. This is someone with a personality that wants control and who is trying to figure out, whether you will hand it over to them. You're being drawn into that dynamic, and it feels like you are "supposed" to engage.

Come on, you're old enough and wise enough and experienced enough not to get caught up in that. Stop being so desperate as to reach for the next best option. Say no. Breath. Breathe again. And again. Trust that better options are available and you will find them. Think of how amazing your current physical therapist is and how amazing the autism therapist is. Think of how amazing your old therapist and your old Dr and your old social worker were, before they all retired. There are excellent people out there...

Trust that you will find new excellent people and you will do excellent work with them...

People that tell you that "you're doing it all wrong" and that make you feel stupid, don't have your best interests at heart...

Hi there. Nice to see you're back again.

It takes courage to see a therapeutic relationship with an 'expert' isn't working, especially when we need help.

I think some people in the medical profession can be blunt and unsympathetic to set their own boundaries of detachment from the sheer load of weight they have to carry from dozens of patients or clients each week. But from our side, this feeling of being misunderstood, their focus on our external behaviors rather than our internal experience, their accusations, and the pressure for us to conform to someone else's idea of "typical"— these are experiences many of us have to struggle with.

It is bad enough for people with trauma, I am sure it is even harder for people with autistic traits. The "too little affect" comment, the judgment about your shoes, and the questioning of your pain levels all show lack of understanding and empathy - things we rightly expect from a therapist and often don't get, also in my experience. Out of curiosity, did the person who made these comments know that you have traits of autism and are in therapy specifically to explore this subject?

It can be infuriating, for sure. The silver lining might be that thanks to these experiences we can start to trust ourselves more than the professionals, who we can learn to get a helping hand from at most, while learning that our recovery is really down to us.

Ideal therapeutic support would be curiosity and respect, not judgment and prejudice.

I don't think you're "too sensitive" for recognizing red flags; this is your right and a strength with great power for the future. You're entitled to a "good fit" of support for your well-being. You have every right to seek out therapeutic relationships that work. It's huge that you've found two of them that do.

Those others who don't "get it" - is it possible that for our own peace and transcendence from suffering we can try to forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing ? (Quote comes with disclosure, an agnostic here.)

You said your physiotherapist and autism-focused therapist are amazing, by contrast to this experience. Can you say what it is about these excellent people that works?

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Hmm. Destabilising you like that seems weird. My T for one’s goal is to try and keep me grounded when we enter the tough stuff. Not that crying is bad and she’s trying to stop me from crying, but breaking down, probably.

Why does he feel the need to have you crying a lot? Being emotive about it should come naturally, which it eventually does but first session out of the door should Not be about “showing how much it hurts” ?

Flat effect seems like a non-problem to me, especially when his solution to that is changing on to someonething more difficult instead of idk,, asking more engaging questions / comments about it.
My T does that sometimes she asks how xyz makes me feel and if I think it’s fair or whatever, which can help me actually emotionally acknowledge what’s going on and what I’ve been through but that also may not show outwardly.
It just seems weird. The point of therapy is not to cry it out (though that’s perfectly valid to do and can be a part of it). I think I often go home and have a good cry then. crying and showing emotion isn’t really a gauge for anything especially this early on.