Therapist Leaving [Rant But Open to Feedback]

[LameLoner]

My therapist notified me that they will be leaving the practise so our sessions are coming to an end. It was only about maybe 10 sessions but I felt like I finally could open up to a therapist again. But now they are leaving and part of me wants to do what I did when my last therapist left a practise. When this happened last time I shut down completely. There was some other life stuff unrelated to my therapist that fueled the shut down. But I mainly shut down because at the time I felt I had no one else to be open with. I shut down because I was sad that I was going to lose a meaningful connection. Admittedly, I was angery a little at the therapist. They picked up on it during our last couple of sessions and asked me about it. I lied and told them I wasn't upset and changed the topic to something else. I wish I was secure enough to work through it with them at the time. But I wasn't able to. Because the anger wasn't really about them, but more so at myself. I hated that I was such a loser that the only open and in my view "meaningful" interaction with another person had to be my therapist. But mostly at the time I was afraid and even broke down crying in the bathroom because I didn't want to be alone again. It was another time my inner critc got the better of me and led me to shut down emotionally and functionally.

However this time around I feel much more secure within myself. Firstly because that time out of therapy made me more reliant on my own voice to balance out the trauma fueled voice. Also reading multiple books related to therapy as well as Pete Walker's book on CPTSD has helped me understand my own response to what I previously would not have considered "trauma". But reading similar unhealthy behaviour in those books helped me relate and accept my own experience. Normally this doesn't work on me but I guess I just wasn't ready for it before now.

The negative emotions I experienced the last time is much more undercontrol now. There is a bit of bitterness and frustration at myself for the sessions that didn't feel productive. Or upset that I was finally fully feeling comfortable with this newer therapist only to end in the next few weeks. I am wanting to open up with my therapist to work through this. I don't want to view this as a meaningful connection. Because its therapy, not a real interpersonal relationship (I could totally be wrong in this perspective so let me know). I also am trying to come up with a list of what I want from my next therapist. I know I need to evaluate the providers that are available and accepting new clients. But Im not really sure if trying to start again so soon will make me bounce off the new therapist like I did previously.

Apologies for the ranting especially on a first post.

 

[whiteraven]

My therapist notified me that they will be leaving the practise so our sessions are coming to an end. It was only about maybe 10 sessions but I felt like I finally could open up to a therapist again.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've gone through this, and it's hard.

However this time around I feel much more secure within myself. Firstly because that time out of therapy made me more reliant on my own voice to balance out the trauma fueled voice.

I also notice that when I had an extended time away from therapy, I became stronger and more resilient. Good for you!

There is a bit of bitterness and frustration at myself for the sessions that didn't feel productive. Or upset that I was finally fully feeling comfortable with this newer therapist

The way I look at it, even though the individual sessions may have not felt productive, they apparently got you to a place where you felt comfortable!

I also am trying to come up with a list of what I want from my next therapist. I know I need to evaluate the providers that are available and accepting new clients.

This is a fantastic idea!

And welcome!

 

[Friday]

Gotta say… absolutely love your first post LL.

 

[LameLoner]

I also notice that when I had an extended time away from therapy, I became stronger and more resilient. Good for you!

I personally would not consider this or myself as "resilient". The word has kind of lost all meaning to me after years of people telling me I am. When all I was doing was just mentally shutting down and just going through the motions. I don't want to be resilient.

 

[whiteraven]

all I was doing was just mentally shutting down and just going through the motions. I don't want to be resilient.

ok, but that's not really what it means to be resilient. And maybe learning how to define it in different and more accurate ways can be part of your process?