Other The Trauma That Caused Me to Start Harming Myself

[captain jigglypuff]

I only used the other prefix because I don’t know how else to address this specific trauma.

A week before my senior year of high school, the popular kid and football star was in a very serious car accident that almost killed him. The first day of school, the principal made that announcement and for awhile I was feeling indifferent as I really didn’t know him at the time and everything was fine until the fundraisers to help pay for his medical bills began. That’s when the thoughts began. At first, I’d see a flyer for a fundraiser and think to myself, “If I was in a car accident, would anyone raise money to help me?” Then the thoughts morphed into “No one would raise money for me if I had an accident.” Eventually the thoughts became extremely bad and unbearable for me to deal with and I kept having thoughts about how no one would even care if I had an accident and that they’d probably be happy and celebrate if I was dead because they finally got rid of me.

I realized just how horrible having those thoughts were but I couldn’t stop them from plaguing 24/7. Eventually I found some tweezers and started to pull out hair from my legs and discovered that the thoughts left me alone when I did this and that it was the perfect way to punish myself for having them. I believed that I was a horrible person for having these thoughts and I couldn’t tell anyone about them because what if they become disgusted with me after my confession of having such horrible thoughts and that they’d hate me for being such a horrible person.

Even when I lived in the group home I continued to use tweezers to pull out hair from my legs but it actually became a more serious problem as I would dig so deep into my leg trying to get any hair that broke off completely out of my leg and I’d cut myself and bleed. I never actually bothered to hide the cuts and just claimed it was some sort of rash as an excuse if I was questioned about it. I spent four years doing this a couple times a week and no one really knew what was going on with my legs. The thoughts just kept coming and there were nights where I just laid in bed crying silently thinking how horrible a person I was.

Eventually G recovered enough to return to school and that really triggered something in me as I kept getting anxious every time I saw him in the halls. I saw him once after I had graduated at the hospital and seeing him triggered me so badly that I immediately ran inside the doors and hid behind a plant and stayed there all while tears were streaming down my face. I was afraid that he would be able to look into my mind and see all of the horrible thoughts and be disgusted and angry with me for having them. I knew that this wasn’t normal but I was still too afraid to tell anyone about the thoughts. For seven years I struggled with the thoughts until I started seeing another therapist who wanted me to write her a letter tell her all about me and my issues and I finally broke down and confessed about the thoughts. I have only discussed this with therapists and my sister and one friend who didn’t attend the same school as me.

The trauma of having these thoughts and what they made me do to myself keep bothering me. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to who could truly understand what I’m going through. It’s been twenty two years since that accident and I still have trauma over what it caused me to think. I don’t even know if that makes any sense.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I rarely ever talk about the thoughts I had stemming from the car accident because of how highly usual it is as I was not in the car when it happened and it were the flyers for the fundraisers that started the trauma for me. No one cared about me back in high school and that transferred into thoughts of how every cared about G but not me and that if I was in his place, no one would even raise a single penny for my recovery. Having such thoughts really does a toll on a person state of mental health. I had these thoughts my entire year of high school and it was even more traumatic than the bullying because at least the bullies didn’t follow me home but the thoughts did.

 

[Rose White]

If I understand you correctly you are saying that you were traumatized by your own thoughts. That is an interesting perspective because many folks with PTSD do suffer greatly from their own thoughts, but typically those thoughts are connected to an event or series of events directly involving the person.

What does trauma mean to you? How do you differentiate it from stress or discomfort?

Do you have a diagnosis of PTSD?

 

[Friday]

This is sounding a helluva lot like Pure-O OCD, and self harm to manage (rather than compulsion to prevent).

Rarely, but sometimes, OCD of many flavours -including its cousin, phobias- has a physiological component. For example? Over 90% of agoraphobes have a chronic inner ear infection. So they orient themselves VISUALLY. Which requires BOTH familiarity AND a low centre of gravity. The remaining 10% of agoraphobes? Only about o.o2% have no additional factors. (Like people with PTSD, who are isolating hard; or people with GAD being control freaks about their surroundings).

Both Pure-O & OCD are BRUTAL and hard hitting diagnoses. Far “worse” than PTSD, as they’re global, rather than pinpointed.

Have you had a DDX / differential diagnosis? <<< It’s both expensive & time consuming to rule out both physiological & psychological causes. TREMENDOUSLY useful, though.

Just to be clear… I’m NOT saying you don’t have PTSD. A child who has been abused, or sexually abused, can laser-focus on someone else who is receiving both recognition and help… when they did not. And continue that focus, either the rest of their lives, in every situation when someone gets help or recognition… or not. And it’s only the FIRST time that sticks, usually. It’s pretty durn common, actually, with childhood trauma to laser focus on something that helps them, or hurts/infuriates, or baffles… because their world just turned inside out. So it leaves a huge mark. SANS childhood trauma, however? What you’re describing is textbook Pure-O.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I don’t have an official diagnosis of PTSD but I have been exhibiting the symptoms of it ever since I had graduated high school and moved into the group home. The first sign that I had it was the fact I tend to freak out if I saw someone snapping a rubber band. I’ll start flinching with every snap and if it is flung, I’ll immediately run out of the room covering my head. I also flinch if someone tosses a pen or pencil at me.

I think the reason the accident had created severe trauma for me were those four horrible words I kept hearing every single day after I tried to say anything: “Shut up! No one cares.” Those words destroyed my life and self esteem. They were why I tried and failed to kill myself. The fundraiser flyers showed that everyone loved G but no one gave a damn about me and probably would have not even noticed if I just disappeared one day. I kept having thoughts that if I had an accident and died that the entire school would be happy and celebrate the fact that they were finally rid of me. I spent my entire senior year have really horrible and soul crushing thoughts that made me think I was a horrible person for even having them that I needed to punish myself for having them by digging deep into my legs to keep on removing hair. I can’t have access to normal tweezers anymore because there’s a chance if I get upset enough , I’ll use them to hurt myself again and I want to be a drag queen which is a problem. Do you realize how difficult it is trying to be a drag Queen who cant even use tweezers to shape their eyebrows? Pulling out hair and cutting myself with tweezers was the only way I could make the thoughts stop and leave me alone for a few days.

 

[Rose White]

Both Pure-O & OCD are BRUTAL and hard hitting diagnoses. Far “worse” than PTSD, as they’re global, rather than pinpointed.

So much this. My first adult diagnosis was OCD and when I got the PTSD diagnosis 20 years later I was relieved because I thought, “Oh they got it wrong, it’s *just* PTSD.” After getting my PTSD symptoms under control (took five years), OCD still there. And then I remembered that my dad and mom both showed signs of OCD. It was nice thinking the OCD was just PTSD.

And it IS interesting how OCD, Autism, ADHD, GAD, and PTSD have overlap in symptoms and systems. Something to do with hyper vigilance, fear, affect, numbing, control … idk. OCD can definitely be triggered to develop into full blown symptoms by trauma and/or stress.

 

[Rose White]

The fundraiser flyers showed that everyone loved G but no one gave a damn about me

Interesting that the flyers signified this for you. For other people they may have signified that funerals are expensive.

I remember in junior high I read a book about a camp for kids with cancer and I thought if only I had cancer my parents and others would care about me. I thought about that for about a year. I became actively suicidal about a year later. I really wanted people to care about me too. It was a very confusing and uncomfortable time in my life. I remember a teacher showed care for me but in my mind she didn’t care enough, I don’t think I was capable of receiving care yet. I wanted it so badly but I didn’t know how to go about getting it. Suicide made a lot of sense for a long time to me.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I was once diagnosed with OCD but it later turned out to just be part of my autism after I had been tested for it. I clearly never had OCD because I wasn’t washing my hands ten times in a row or had an unexplained need to keep locking and unlocking doors. I just had very specialized interests which seemed like I was obsessed when I was just being a typical autistic kid. And if I was doing anything repetitive, it was because it felt soothing to me. Everything I did repetitively had actual reasons to it. I take my shoes off whenever I visit other people’s homes as a sign of respect which I learned from my dad’s mother who grew up in Taiwan under Japanese occupation and it is a major part of that culture. I have to boil two or more eggs together because boil a single egg is extremely bad luck and a sign of death in the Taiwanese culture. Without any context it seems like I have OCD but when asked, I’ll explain why I do such things.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

Honestly the closest thing I come to having OCD I have is the need to have absolutely no lights on during the day unless necessary if there’s a window and there is still daylight out. I just think that is wasting energy and doesn’t make sense as to why you need artificial lights on during the day when the sunlight is much brighter.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

Interesting that the flyers signified this for you. For other people they may have signified that funerals are expensive.

The kid didn’t die. The fundraisers were to help pay his medical bills.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I reconnected with the kid on Facebook about ten years ago and sometimes message him but I’ve never told him about how his accident unexpectedly traumatized me. Talking to him helps heal the pain a little bit and I want to tell him everything but I’m afraid of how he will respond. I’ve never discussed the accident with him. Only about how I felt like no one cared about me in high school and about the sexual assaults and suicide attempt.

 

[Rose White]

I don’t have an official diagnosis of PTSD but I have been exhibiting the symptoms of it

How are you treating your symptoms? Are you receiving support from a professional?