I think I'm married to a narcissist

[Punky143]

When did my husband change or are we more aware of it? The comments and ways of speaking to us bet little us, push us aside, less worthy of doing things, even when no money is spent. Declaring he's the patriarch of the family. He gets to decide everything. Yet, he doesn't think about me even though earlier today tells me I should get out and do something. So I do and I'm encouraged not to. Why doesn't he care about his family? He's spent thousands of dollars this year golfing while I stayed home with the dogs, quite smoking, stopped getting drinks and didn't do the one thing that made us happy - kayaking. This only allows him to spend the money saved. Why doesn't he care about us two and strive to work hard on getting a house that would mean a lot to the both of us and take pride. Knowing or should I say accepting that I struggle with things therefore strive to help us out. It's always about him, especially when it comes to his benefit. I'm sorry I don't have friends but when I tried, that was met with problems too. So we gave up. We're in a mind f*ck loop of one minute things are going ok and maybe I'm wrong how I feel and then the next minute I'm reminded why I feel this way. When did it become more obvious? Why does this have to be like this. Why don't I get respect when he demands respect. Am I less worthy? Things aren't working out and we're not happy. The once solid future is becoming grey and it breaks our heart.

 

[Rose White]

I’m sorry that sounds like so much to carry

 

[Friday]

Sounds more like a selfish & self centered asshole who takes others for granted… which is FAR worse than narcissism.

I totally get that you might want to give your husband the easy way out, via narcissism, rather than the more brutal/realistic description of what he’s actually done/not done to you & your kids.

You loved him, and believed in the potential for your life together… so the copout of calling him a narc, lets him get away with seriously painful & degrading/degumanizing shit, but also lets those things hurt less. Like DV blaming “stress”.

Rather than the meme-easy label? Hold him accountable. If he’s been a self centered asshole? Say that. Rather than the touchy-feely BS.

 

[Teasel]

That sounds very lonely I'm sorry. How does he react when you speak up for yourself?

 

[Evie loves Sam]

I'm sorry you are going through this.
My experience with an abusive ex is that it is more than selfishness, its a pattern of control, power and he will manipulate and lie to remain in control at all times.

My ex doesnt (and didnt) let me do things and he is definately a patriarchal prat. But he went further to severe psychological abuse.

The question I have for you might be simple, but telling. Can you do it anyway? That is, can you join a group kyak or watersports club? Great way to make friends too. Can you start looking at potental areas and houses and make a folder of what you find?

What else can you do anyway? How they respond to you taking the independence you are allowed can be very telling.

 

[Punky143]

That sounds very lonely I'm sorry. How does he react when you speak up for yourself?

I have a very hard time with confrontation. I don't even get to say one sentence before he already has a rebuttal and will go on justifying why he's correct. It's very triggering for me and I've never been a fast thinker and he's the opposite. I'd like to think I know what he's trying to say but his delivery is terrible. And he refuses to

That sounds very lonely I'm sorry. How does he react when you speak up for yourself?

His reaction becomes an instant defense stance. I can't finish one sentence before being interrupted and told I'm wrong or I can tell he's not listening because he's ready with his comeback. I've tried talking to him about it but he disagrees he does it and that he's listening. I usually stop talking because we go blank. We are not a fast thinker, everything has to be thought of and analyzed but he's the opposite.

 

[Punky143]

I'm sorry you are going through this.
My experience with an abusive ex is that it is more than selfishness, its a pattern of control, power and he will manipulate and lie to remain in control at all times.

My ex doesnt (and didnt) let me do things and he is definately a patriarchal prat. But he went further to severe psychological abuse.

The question I have for you might be simple, but telling. Can you do it anyway? That is, can you join a group kyak or watersports club? Great way to make friends too. Can you start looking at potental areas and houses and make a folder of what you find?

What else can you do anyway? How they respond to you taking the independence you are allowed can be very telling.

I thought about opening my own savings account and depositing a portion of my paycheck into it. That way I can have money saved for things that come up and the feeling of control because no one else can spend it.
Anytime I've pushed back to do what I really want to do is met with his body language changing, I will feel very guilty, he stops talking to me, (not anymore because I don't have friends) but when I'd have dinner with a friend he'll ask me to bring him home dinner and what time will I be home. If I've spent a lot of time with a friend, he'll start questioning why and reminded me I have a family and how it's weird I'm always at her house.
Since I was a young child, I grew up in a similar environment. It was a lot worse back then. I wasn't allowed to even have a voice or opinion and if I did I was told I'm wrong, slapped and grounded for talking back. He's never laid a hand on me nor alluded to.
I know I can't change him and as much as I've tried to communicate struggles with him, gone to couples counseling , attended personal counseling (he doesn't believe in therapy and doesn't need anyone to give him a pretend diagnosis and tell him how to be). I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't need to. I'm not asking him to be a different person either. It's me who

 

[Teasel]

It not being ok for you to discuss concerns you have with him isn't OK. It's something abusive partners do. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I know that must be really difficult for you. Do you have anyone on your side so to speak? Family? The way he is isolating you - kind of sulking when you used to see friends, it's also not ok. Do you want to stay with him?

 

[Evie loves Sam]

I see no problem in you having your own bank account and depositing a portion of your own salary into it. He may, if he finds out. But I wish I had worked and put ort if my salary aside. Then I would have had something to leave with or a nice savings pot for the future.

Have you read about the power and control wheel and coersive control? Might be worth reading up on it.

Sadly we are all conditioned to be polite and to forgive and to ignore abuse. Its taught by parents, in schools, in work places and many run the house like a business rather than a home where there is genuine partnership and respect.

It aounds like you struggle to get your voice heard too. I think gaining some independence will be great for you. Especially as you indeoendende wasn't celebrated growing up. Also look for opportunities to share your opinion. Hobby groups are a great way to make friends and share opinions. History groups, walking groups, cooking groups, kayaking groups. He can step up and watch the kids while you do something for you.