Poll Did your csa abuser also experience csa?

[Rose White]

I am asking not as a way to excuse it, but just to understand. It seems relevant. I mean, I know it’s kind of well known. Also, maybe they didn’t experience csa but they experienced other kinds of abuse? Idk where I’m going with this. I think it’s part of trying to *see* the structure?

 

[Movingforward10]

I have made an assumption that the child who abused me must have been abused. He bullied everyone in school. Was violent. And the suddenly disappeared one day, don't know if he was taken in to care or his mother fled with him? Something must have been going on at home?

The others? No idea.

I think there is information out there that people who have been CSA can be perpetrators.
But...is this a mond field or a way of making sense of things?

What I think is that, whatever happened to us as children: we are in control of ourselves as adults and if we abuse others it's unforgivable and inexcusable.
Idk
Idk what I'm trying to say with this.

 

[Rose White]

Ok now I see how my question can come across as excusing it. I’m not thinking that way, more of just trying to see the context and structure, but you are right about this…

whatever happened to us as children: we are in control of ourselves as adults and if we abuse others it's unforgivable and inexcusable.

Because now I see that the question is sort of implicating people who experienced csa as being capable and vulnerable to doing it too. And that was not my intention. Plus I wrestled for too long with the belief that I was a pedophile and a whore so I can see how this question might have a bad taste.

 

[Movingforward10]

Because now I see that the question is sort of implicating people who experienced csa as being capable and vulnerable to doing it too. And that was not my intention. Plus I wrestled for too long with the belief that I was a pedophile and a whore so I can see how this question might have a bad taste.

It's tricky isn't it as a lot of us blamed ourselves. (I was a rapist because I was raped).

I don't know.
The people who CSA'd me weren't necessarily C SAing. If that makes sense? I lied about my age when I was 15. And I looked older. They still raped me. So it wasn't so much for them , I think (if they believed my lies), a child rape but a rape of a female. So I don't know how much is about whether they experienced CSA or they hated women or didtgive a shit or what. Or a combination of all of the above?

Idk. I'm also not sure how much I want to know.

Idk. I am probably triggered by this to might back away from it.
I hope you find the answers your looking for.

 

[Ecdysis]

I'd like another category for "I'm pretty sure but I don't know for certain".

 

[Sideways]

I don’t know. It wouldn’t make any difference to what my experience was, which is what I’m healing from.

I have an intellectual curiosity in understanding why adult humans do these things to children.

But it’s not helpful to me to apply that intellectual curiosity to my own experience. Tried that rabbit hole and, for me, it did a lot more damage than help. Mostly, I think, because I do an excellent job of minimising what happened to me without adding theoretical reasons into the mix!

 

[Rose White]

Mostly, I think, because I do an excellent job of minimising what happened to me without adding theoretical reasons into the mix!

Oof. This hits. Have to ask myself, “Gee, do I have a tendency toward minimalizing?”

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I don’t know if it counts but I keep seeing this and thinking of it so here I am.
My dad had a babysitter when he was younger and she’d watch porn when babysitting him and he’d see it.
AS FAR AS I KNOW, at this moment in time, with the info I have rn, he hasn’t sexually abused anyone BUT he has a long history of being inappropriate or uncomfortable sexually incl. with me. I think his perspective is very warped and how he viewed/treated my mom while not sexually abusive is very upsetting to me and makes me worry.

His perspective on kids is also screwed and sometimes I wonder if it’s connected. “kids aren’t people” is a real thing he used to say to me when I lived with him.

 

[iforgivebayley]

My abuser watched porn and made me watch it before molesting me. He was also a kid and I don't think he was sexually abused by a person but the internet encouraged him, it's what I call an "abuserless crime" (like how you can have a victimless crime) because the abuser in this situation would be the internet which can't be blamed as it isn't a person, his parents (who did not directly assault him) are to blame. I also consider myself in the same position because my abuser did not know what abuse or discipline meant and his consequences were only just catching up to him, so it would be like blaming someone for taking a medication they weren't told the side effects for. He doesn't remember any of it, so based off what I remember, he wasn't sexually abused but had obvious ADHD and a very difficult home life.

 

[Rose White]

@iforgivebayley thank you for sharing. That’s such a nuanced understanding and incredibly unfortunate situation. It’s also dreadfully tragic and terrible that the internet itself without any direct human agency can spawn child sexual abuse. I’m sorry that happened to you.

 

[iforgivebayley]

@iforgivebayley thank you for sharing. That’s such a nuanced understanding and incredibly unfortunate situation. It’s also dreadfully tragic and terrible that the internet itself without any direct human agency can spawn child sexual abuse. I’m sorry that happened to you.

Thank you for your kind words I have a feeling mine is one of many cases :-( there are a lot better restrictions in the UK now but it's impossible to monitor everything and some children are wired to rebel more than others. I could go into detail about the different routes the internet could take in the future for it to be more safe (i.e a lot less advertising, users paying for content instead) but that's a very long tangent -- what about you? Was your abuser also abused? Also (and this is rich coming from me, lol) don't feel you *have* to understand why they abused you, it's not your problem to solve and the tragedy is that sometimes there aren't any reasons and our trauma makes us stuck on trying to discover them. That's just a sidenote though, from a research perspective this topic is definitely interesting

 

[Rose White]

@iforgivebayley thats awesome you are considering ways to make the Internet safer.

what about you? Was your abuser also abused?

My dad’s dad raped his sister for much of her childhood. When my grandpa and grandma married she had a 4yo daughter and Grandpa adopted her, Lolita style. He did it under the guise of being an enlightened Bohemian who was sexually free and a naturist.