Can't. Do. It. Anymore.

[whiteraven]

I am beyond overwhelmed. And so angry. I can't stop crying--the ugly, sobbing kind--and I feel completely and utterly alone. I want to break something, cut deep, jump off a building, step in front of a semi. I hurt so bad, and I don't have anywhere to go with it.

 

[shimmerz]

Hi @whiteraven. I am so very sorry things are so hard for you right now.

I can't stop crying--the ugly, sobbing kind
This really resonated with me. I oftentimes don't know what I am connected to - no real trigger that I can see at the moment - or even afterwards. And feeling so alone during those times I imagine really exacerbates the feelings.

Is there anything I or someone else can do to help ease this for you? I am right here....and will stay here for some time. Feel free to interact or not. Just know I am thinking of you and am sending you strengtth if you accept it.

-Shimmerz

 

[unsureWhstIAm]

I am beyond overwhelmed. And so angry. I can't stop crying--the ugly, sobbing kind--and I feel completely and utterly alone. I want to break something, cut deep, jump off a building, step in front of a semi. I hurt so bad, and I don't have anywhere to go with it.

Be strong and it will pass things always get better x

 

[whiteraven]

Is there anything I or someone else can do to help ease this for you? I am right here....and will stay here for some time. Feel free to interact or not. Just know I am thinking of you and am sending you strengtth if you accept it.

Thanks, @shimmerz. I took a scalding-hot shower, and it's a bit better, although it doesn't take much for it to start up again. I honestly just don't want to be here anymore--this has been going on since just before the time changed (so a month-and-a-half), and it feels like I just can't catch a break.

 

[shimmerz]

Really sorry to hear that it has been going on for so long @shiteraven. I did a long stretch of not being able to catch a break and can relate very much to how hopeless that can feel. No pressure to engate but I am here.

I had no idea other people took scalding hot showers. I thought I was the only one. I am really happy to hear it helped.

 

[Movingforward10]

Sitting with you @whiteraven . I'm noticing how this autumn has impacted so many people's mental health. For me, it feels like one of the worst ones. (November is an anniversary, and this year seems to have hit the hardest).

Is there something linked to this time of year for you?
The lack of day light has a massive impact for me. But the days will be getting longer again soon. So I'm seeing that as hopeful for change.

Can you see hope somewhere?

 

[Maisie]

@whiteraven I’m thinking of you. I don’t know if it helps to know that the people around here have some understanding about what you’re going through and you’re not alone.
We are all here to support you

 

[whiteraven]

Is there something linked to this time of year for you?
The lack of day light has a massive impact for me. But the days will be getting longer again soon. So I'm seeing that as hopeful for change.

The time change really affected me in negative ways this year. My sister's death was a year ago in November. The world is a shitshow, but that has been all year.

Can you see hope somewhere?

No. None.

 

[PlainJane]

Ooof. Understand this feeling and it's about fall time for me when this happens and I go on some kind of spree or rampage. I'll end up in a wreck or other high risk yada yada, you know the drill. Is there way you can actually express this? I buy cheap dishes to break, chop wood. They have rage rooms, highly recommend. Many cry in them. Or make you own as I have done. I have fill balloons with paint and destroyed walls. Make space for your anger and despair.

 

[Movingforward10]

The time change really affected me in negative ways this year. My sister's death was a year ago in November. The world is a shitshow, but that has been all year.

The world is a shit show. And getting shittier each day. I try and block that out though as that just leads me to a spiral that can't go anywhere positive. All that "what can I control and change and what can't I" stuff.

I'm sorry about the anniversary of your sister's death. Grief can be overwhelming.

No. None.

I'm sorry there doesn't feel hope. That is a heavy place to be.

 

[mamachick]

Im sorry you are going thru this. The cold and lack of sun and daylight feels like its doing me in. Any yes, the world seems to be getting shittier by the day. December has been bad month for me for a long time. The Christmas time that I use to love has dissipated over the years. I had a major trauma and all the lights and trees and ornaments just seems to remind me on an unconscious level I think. Its not as though I feel triggered anymore, just very Blah. I have no motivation to celebrate. I dont care about cleaning and cooking or celebrating at all. I did Thanksgiving dinner for family and then went to bed for a week. Just feel dissociated or something. As I get older, it gets worse. Do you think the holidays is causing some of your pain? It does for many people.

 

[whiteraven]

Sorry you are experiencing similar feelings.

As I get older, it gets worse. Do you think the holidays is causing some of your pain? It does for many people.

I think it's a number of factors, including getting older and being around the holidays. But I also think it's "just" an underlying depression. I don't want to do anything or talk to anybody, and I'd be happy to just go to sleep and never wake up.

I've lost a LOT of friends and family over the years--I think last count was 45. All of my friends have died, and I just don't have the capacity for small talk with acquaintances. The only person I talk to anymore is my almost 91-year-old mom.

I finally came to understand my own beliefs about death and am not afraid anymore--which you would think would free me up to enjoy the now, but there is just no joy day-to-day.