Sexual Assault Was this SA or minor incidents?

[Ruby2342]

I’ve been in therapy a couple of years because of my parents. My mum is undiagnosed BPD (behaviour and actions are pretty obvious and not what this post is about). My dad appears to have very little empathy. They have done a lot of things over the years that I am currently processing in therapy but this isn’t about that.

We have never really addressed SA in therapy before until something came up recently (last point on this list). I can’t stop thinking whether any of these things were sexually abusive. They all seem like minor incidents compared to a lot of stories I see but I can’t stop thinking that something bigger was wrong other than the other things my parents have done. I keep trying to find information online but I’m just not sure and I am having nightmares and its driving me crazy…

- Parents got me to massage them each week, especially dad. They bought creams/oils etc. and framed it like a present. They were never in any pain or had any reason and they never did it to each other. Never seemed abusive at the time and were never naked (just shirt off) just kind of yuck.

- Dad threw me up against a wall when I was 10/11 and told me it was my fault. A boy then did this at school, and grabbed me inappropriately and I assumed it was my fault.

- Boy down the road about 16 (I was 11 or 12) kissed me. I am not certain but have some vague memory of seeing him naked.

- In early twenties, my grandad hit my bum and told me that my hips/bum had grown.

- Knew a man when I was 14-17 who started emailing me when I was 18 and basically groomed me (I know it’s not really grooming if you’re 18 but it’s the closest description I can think of). Found to be a pedophile, and was arrested for grooming, sending sexual videos, meeting children for sex, etc. Since finding this out I have been having nightmares, random intense and overwhelming feelings of panic, despair, fear.

My response to these things seem to be out of proportion with how minor they are and would really like some answers

 

[Sideways]

Sounds like you’re judging yourself pretty harshly for being distressed by experiences you had growing up. Is there space for some self compassion there?

Something doesn’t need to be sexual assault to be genuinely distressing.

Mod note:
I’ve removed your trigger warning - no need for them on this forum. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution

 

[Movingforward10]

A boy then did this at school, and grabbed me inappropriately and I assumed it was my fault.

What your Dad did was physical assault. And same with the boy, although when he touched you inappropriately that would have been sexual assault too.

Parents got me to massage them each week, especially dad. They bought creams/oils etc. and framed it like a present. They were never in any pain or had any reason and they never did it to each other. Never seemed abusive at the time and were never naked (just shirt off) just kind of yuck.

If it feels sexualised to you, then it was sexualised. Whether it was sexual abuse or weird sexualised behaviour - I find these things hard to decide too. Either way: it feels off and that's the issue. It can be traumatising whatever label is put on it.

Boy down the road about 16 (I was 11 or 12) kissed me. I am not certain but have some vague memory of seeing him naked.

Could be sexual assault - depending where you are in the world and the laws there on consent and age of consent. His age and your age play a factor. As you were too young to consent even if you did say yes.

- In early twenties, my grandad hit my bum and told me that my hips/bum had grown.

Inappropriate sexual boundaries with your Grandad sexualising you.

Knew a man when I was 14-17 who started emailing me when I was 18 and basically groomed me (I know it’s not really grooming if you’re 18 but it’s the closest description I can think of). Found to be a pedophile, and was arrested for grooming, sending sexual videos, meeting children for sex, etc. Since finding this out I have been having nightmares, random intense and overwhelming feelings of panic, despair, fear.

Anyone can be groomed.....it happens in DA relationships all the time. I suppose it depends on your definition of grooming.


It's very confusing when you revisit the past with a different lens of what it is you experienced.
I decided not to go through every scenario I experienced to work out "was this asault/rape?" and I put a general "the trauma years" frame around it. Mainly because I still don't understand consent fully, or exploitation or what actually constitutes abuse. The laws differ in each country so legal definitions aren't always helpful. And people's opinions vary widely - on this site too. Sometimes a label can give validation. Sometimes that validation comes from yourself when you accept this harmed you and your feelings about what you experienced are valid.

 

[Ruby2342]

What your Dad did was physical assault. And same with the boy, although when he touched you inappropriately that would have been sexual assault too.


If it feels sexualised to you, then it was sexualised. Whether it was sexual abuse or weird sexualised behaviour - I find these things hard to decide too. Either way: it feels off and that's the issue. It can be traumatising whatever label is put on it.


Could be sexual assault - depending where you are in the world and the laws there on consent and age of consent. His age and your age play a factor. As you were too young to consent even if you did say yes.


Inappropriate sexual boundaries with your Grandad sexualising you.


Anyone can be groomed.....it happens in DA relationships all the time. I suppose it depends on your definition of grooming.


It's very confusing when you revisit the past with a different lens of what it is you experienced.
I decided not to go through every scenario I experienced to work out "was this asault/rape?" and I put a general "the trauma years" frame around it. Mainly because I still don't understand consent fully, or exploitation or what actually constitutes abuse. The laws differ in each country so legal definitions aren't always helpful. And people's opinions vary widely - on this site too. Sometimes a label can give validation. Sometimes that validation comes from yourself when you accept this harmed you and your feelings about what you experienced are valid.

Thanks so much for your reply. I don’t have much memory of my childhood and it is confusing - especially when your parents made everything seem so normal. Thank you for your advice

 

[Movingforward10]

and it is confusing - especially when your parents made everything seem so normal.

Yeah, it really is.