False emotions, perhaps brainwashing

[Upside Down Eagle]

Feel free to move this post, as I do not know very well, where it should go.

It's a bit hard to talk about these things. I'm diagnosed cptsd from severe physical abuse.
The thing is that (in addition) I have very lucid, very detailed sexual abuse memories, which I've had since around age 6. I remember faces, buildings. But there is zero indication that this ever actually happened in this lifetime.

Let's just say that I feel as if I was sexually abused, maybe in another life, and that I have struggled with that feeling my entire life, to the point of resorting to a gender change because I felt so revolted by my own body that it felt like a good option. I'm not saying anything about the motivations of other gender-changers because it's none of my business. But for me, the feeling of having been raped was a big factor.

There are times where I enter this bizarre, vague, trance-like emotional state where I float into a "sensation" that masquerades as "friendliness" and "love" but it feels as if these are not my own emotions, and it feels as if these "false" emotions are being pushed on me. As if I am being told to sit still, and to just let the abuse happen, and to also agree to the "fact" that it is being done out of "love". Just writing that makes me want to vomit.

Opposed to that bizarre trance state, I have my own emotions. Including normal love, normal sensations of friendliness. Which are completely healthy, with healthy boundaries.

So now, I don't know. First, (a) is it possible that I have erased sexual abuse from my brain, in the sense that I cannot place these events in my past, the way I have been told the past has taken place and the way that I remember it. And (b) can anyone relate to these weird states in which it feels like you're brainwashed.

When I go into these bizarre floating, brainwashed-like states, there is still a part of me that knows what's happening and is fighting like mad to get out of it. Yesterday I knocked the (shit) out of myself because I absolutely refuse to be a part of that / to experience these states.

Perhaps I am looking for some pointers. Suggestions.
I kind of want to know how to get OUT of those f*cked up states or how to trick myself out of them.

And perhaps anyone who can relate. Because I feel like a weirdo, since I can't tell for sure. The memories are graphic enough.

Edited to add: it sucks that I also feel guilty for merely having these memories. I am not trying to make up any memories to come across as a sexual abuse survivor.

 

[Movingforward10]

is it possible that I have erased sexual abuse from my brain, in the sense that I cannot place these events in my past, the way I have been told the past has taken place and the way that I remember it.

Yes. Dissaosicative amnesia.
It happens to a lot of people. Happened to me. For me, my memories started to come back in dreams when I was 24, triggered by the ending of my relationship. And then more came out in my 40s when I started therapy.
Had you asked me before I was 24 if I had been sexually abused, I would have firmly believed I hadn't.

It is incredibly confusing for memory to come back because: how do you know if it is real when you believed something else was real?

For me, deep down I *knew* and it was building that self trust up.
Why would I make this stuff up?

Do you have a therapist to help work this through?

can anyone relate to these weird states in which it feels like you're brainwashed.

Yes. For me it didn't/doesn't feel how you describe it.
But I was brain washed growing up. My mum and family changed reality all the time. Traumatic things she did were seen as funny things. To this day she will recount the abusive stuff she has done as though it is a really hilarious story.
Growing up with that made me at odds with myself. Which adds to the confusion about what is real and what isn't. Because I felt traumatised but I'm told this is hilarious.
So for me it was this constant daily changing of reality that made me disconnected to myself for decades. And I didn't even know it.
If that makes any sense.
I'm still not too sure how all that felt/feels.

Other than if I feel or think something and it doesn't feel real, I have now learnt that it most likely is real.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey @Movingforward10

Really appreciate your reply.
Also thank you for saying that I might not be making this up.

At this point, I am not completely sure whether I need to 100% confirm that these memories happened. It puts me in a weird position with others, when I try to describe these feelings, because it makes me feel like an impostor (making stuff up about sexual abuse just to get some kind of bizarre attention out of it...).

My mum and family changed reality all the time. Traumatic things she did were seen as funny things.

That same stuff happened in our family, too. And then they'd flip it around and say I was the one making things up (as a kid). Or they would get really shocked and perplexed at something I would say that seemed completely normal to me. Or if I asked for help/support from any grownup, they'd gang up against me and start spreading all sorts of falsities about me and what I "really" wanted.

I've had therapy for about ten years. Usually I feel "okay-ish". That's good enough for me to take a break from therapy at the moment. It's just that if someone asks, did you experience csa, yes or no, I always have to say "maybe" just because I don't remember everything clearly. Not really sure how to navigate.

If that makes any sense.
I'm still not too sure how all that felt/feels.

Makes sense.
I hope things that sort of falling into place.