Is this unusual? (sharing with your therapist)

[beaneeboo]

2.5 years into intensive trauma therapy for dissociative disorder. I am getting memories surfacing in different forms. I've understood trauma processing is the second stage for this type of therapy. But there is a HUGE resistance to me and my parts sharing anything with T. I've shared little bits here abs there but very little. I think it must nashe his job harder.

Anyway I've noticed others here including those with dissociative disorders, so tend to share some level of detail to at least be able to patch some things together to make sense of the fragments and tu process.

I just can't seem to in any meaningful way even though we meet 2 hours a week every week.

Am I doing something wrong? Is anyone else in this position? Did anyone else have a breakthrough?

I'm just feeling like a bit of a freak and wondering if it's wasting his time

 

[Sues]

I have such a hard time sharing with my therapist. It's so hard to say the words. I freeze up and physically brace for danger any time I have the really bad memories come up. I often dread going into the therapy room, not because of my therapist, he's great, and he's safe. But because I know this is where I'm supposed to bring up and deal with the memories. I spend all week trying to keep them locked away and push them down so I can survive and function. It's a struggle to get words out, to talk about even what I'm feeling when the memories are there.

I don't know if this helps, but I know what it's like to not be able to share memories with anyone, even my therapist.

 

[Sideways]

Breakthrough? Not really. More like very slow progress by chipping away at it.

It’s a self-preservation instinct, and got a bunch of shame attached to it, which makes it one of those things that’s particularly hard to shift. So, it does shift, but slowly, over time.

It’s helpful to me to not assume that I’ll be able to just say the words I need to say out loud. Approaches that I use as an alternative have included emailing info to my T, writing it down and taking it to the appointment with me, and writing it down and reading it out (that’s where I currently am).

We’ve also spent a lot of time working through the issue directly - talking about why it’s so hard to talk about it. And that’s probably been the most useful part for me to get some genuine traction.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

I know you haven't put it here, so ignore this obviously, but the mandatory reporting is a part of the challenge in feeling freedom to speak? I can imagine that must be impacting?

With new memories, it's layer after layer of things to say and share and feel. There is a lot of trauma. It does take a long time?

 

[Mach123]

2.5 years into intensive trauma therapy for dissociative disorder. I am getting memories surfacing in different forms. I've understood trauma processing is the second stage for this type of therapy. But there is a HUGE resistance to me and my parts sharing anything with T. I've shared little bits here abs there but very little. I think it must nashe his job harder.

Anyway I've noticed others here including those with dissociative disorders, so tend to share some level of detail to at least be able to patch some things together to make sense of the fragments and tu process.

I just can't seem to in any meaningful way even though we meet 2 hours a week every week.

Am I doing something wrong? Is anyone else in this position? Did anyone else have a breakthrough?

I'm just feeling like a bit of a freak and wondering if it's wasting his time

I was like bananas trying to tell her . I’d tell her some little thing and call her on the drive home all freaked out making her swear she would never tell anyone and I yelled at her and abused her a couple years . She knew why. Birth pains . It was coming out. She was very patient with me I was really abusive . The perpetrator internalized never wants you to tell anyone . Like I’ve said here so many times I think a lot of people commit suicide before they can get it out. I did finally . I can’t say I’m so much better ? I mean different certainly . All the psychic energy and panic trying to keep it all hidden all those years. She just kept telling me it wasn’t my fault . Eventually I believed her.
But I’m still in therapy and on meds and disability. Can’t do much. just living the dream man. It’s not easy . This all started about 15 years ago . It’s a process. I guess it’s not important if I’m “better” because it has to come out . If you can’t get it out idk. I don’t think I would have made it . Make what idk I’m 67 now and my health isn’t great but that was my experience . The experience is described in Judith Herman’s book Trauma and recovery. My process was almost exactly like she described it. I’m sorry if this is kind of a downer I can’t go like wow now I’m all better or now I’m flourishing not surviving. I’m surviving. I wish you well.

 

[beaneeboo]

Thank you @Sues @Sideways @Movingforward10 and @Mach123

Thinking about it from what you've all said, it think there are many layers... mandatory reporting is of course a huge one, correct.... the fear of the consequences for some parts, many of which i probably don't know, is big....

Part of my issue is the amnesia... things happen during the week, something will surface, and I've startled writing bits down for myself.(big achievement).. sometimes with the intention to share... but by the time therapy comes around, I can't...or i don't remember....

Then there's the potential complicated, long and drawn out backlash by parts if i share which i can't fully know what it is until it happens (amnesia) but I know it's not good... obviously that's about communicating with parts to understand more fully from their perspective and work with them to help them to feel safer etc etc ... that's long...

Then there's my T. I've got to the point where I'm not having so many paranoid thoughts about him and his intentions... he doesn't change into a not safe person any more, well not so often.. to say I trust him would be too far i think ... not all of me anyway... but dynamics are stronger between us and when he does f*ck up he owns it and I'm learning it's out of ignorance most of the time...i can see he cares (which is huge! ..obviously not all of me is there but it's a good start)... the thing is I just truly don't believe, trauma therapist or not, that he will know how to handle what comes up for me...as in, the type of life he's had is just a world away from me and my experiences (i know that, sounds judgemental) .... i just somehow feel that he won't know how to handle them or hold them... and honestly, I'm not sure this is a 'me being f*cked up' thing... it feels more gut feeling... but then, maybe thats the therapy process playing out without me even realising it...

Then there's a fundamental disagreement i have with the idea of the second stage of the 3 stage process for trauma healing - trauma processing... you may laugh but.... trauma processing and talking about your trauma to process it is part of a therapeutic framework that developed countries have for healing... but it's not the only framework and I feel it's one which can be questioned... i don't believe keeping trauma buried is healthy but I wonder if going back over the memories is really the healthiest for us all? Interestingly i saw Janina Fisher talk about this and she said in her work, she doesn't focus on rehashing stuff and talking about what happened but more on the meaning making around what happened....

How does this relate to me? I've always felt T is very motivated in his work to get to the 'trauma processing'... he used to say things like 'Even though it doesn't all make sense now, it will come out in the end, it always does'. And having such bad amnesia, that type of thinking has scared the shit out of me. I don't know everything and you know what? Maybe thats for the best - who says it's not? T changes in how he turns up in the therapy when we talk about trauma processing and I can just feel how important it is to him in his work that he gets me to share things, because that's his training... but unfortunately it just really f*cking puts me off!! And so this dynamic is just fully in place (tbh without him even knowing i think)...

Sorry, so long