How to respond to hypervigilent wife's unfounded fear based accusations

[rekse]

My wife is often 100% positive I am looking at women inappropriately - but it is not happening. I admit I did occasionally when we were first dating but I worked very hard to learn to control where my eyes go as I do not want to disrespect or wrong my wife. While I have improved my end of things she seems to have gotten much worse and we have constant arguments with her insisting I did look and me saying I didn't. I have tried to steer away from explaining and denying and instead focus on demonstrating that I hear where she is coming from and showing her I understand how it much feel but when I do that she accuses me of blame shifting. Does anyone have suggestions on how I can respond in a helpful manner when this happens?

 

[Movingforward10]

If she's causing you of doing something you aren't, that needs addressing.
What's making her think you are when you think you aren't?

My ex accused me of looking at men walking past and I wouldn't have even noticed someone walked past never mind what sex they were. I resorted to looking at the ground only to avoid arguments. Which is NOT the way to deal with the situation.

It's not okay to keep accusing someone of doing something when they aren't.
It's not okay to not believe you and tell you that you are when you say you aren't.

Couple's counselling?

 

[rekse]

She was previously married to a man who leered at women constantly right in front of her and when we first started dating she called me on doing the same thing but to a much lessor degree. I did not realize I was acting inappropriately but once made aware I worked hard to control my gaze - and I now do and have for years now whether I'm with her or on my own. She says I have gotten "much better" but still believes I am doing it. And like you said, I often didn't even see the person she thought I looked at. When we go out in public I do look down and am pretty stressed out myself worrying about whether it's going to look like I looked at someone and when a scantily clad woman does cross out path I feel danger and panic myself and I know my nervous behavior makes me look suspicious and her more anxious.

 

[Movingforward10]

You're experiencing coercive control.
It's not okay.

This is her issue she needs to address.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

You not leering is enough, feeling you have to always make her believe you and like this:

When we go out in public I do look down and am pretty stressed out myself worrying about whether it's going to look like I looked at someone and when a scantily clad woman does cross out path I feel danger and panic myself and I know my nervous behavior makes me look suspicious and her more anxious.

Is a very dysfunctional, stressful way to live.

You shouldn’t have to feel threatened by her potential perception of random people walking past you. You can’t control that. You’re already controlling what you can. Being anxious every time you go out in public isn’t good for you.

 

[rekse]

Thanks. You are preaching to the choir. I know it's unhealthy and I know it's her issue. She is going to counseling for it but she still sees me as being a major part of the problem and any time I try to talk about hyper-vigilance being a significant part of it and angle we need to discuss, try to understand better and learn how to both deal with - she balks and says I am blame shifting and not taking any responsibility. We have been to several marriage counselors but either they take my side or take her side or have nothing helpful to offer. In desperation I suggested we use CoPilot AI as a marriage counselor and we started that last night. Any suggestions on anything I can say or do to have a more positive result when these things happen would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Movingforward10]

Hypervigilence isn’t inventing things, so what she is doing is not that.

I’m sorry to say that this is not about you doing something different. This is about her wanting to change. Or not.

Have you given her boundaries: that she needs to address this once and for all?