Narcissistic Mother, How to Respond

Rorster93

Confident
Deleted my mother's phone number out of my phone. I no longer have it and cannot look it up anymore. Deleted the text messages.

This might put a dent in holidays but I'd rather spend holidays alone than with her controlling ass.

The last holiday I spent with her was Thanksgiving and I had two glasses of wine. I wasn't driving anywhere, I'm a grown adult, I have a good job and was surrounded by family. She would watch me like a f*cking hawk across the room. She would follow me outside to make sure I wasn't drinking anymore. But she doesn't mind if my brother drinks, she doesn't try to control him. And when she's around, the air is so f*cking tense and I can only move slowly because she watches every move I make closely. I don't feel safe around her. She gives me the creeps and is controlling. I don't drink anymore but, f*ck, can't she just get off my back? I moved away to get away from my abuser and she's constantly trying to get me to move back. If I meet someone, she tries to convince me to dump them if they "stop" me from moving back, as if I don't make up my own mind. And if I visit and don't stay with her, it's a problem. Even though I have friends and other family, she gets pissed and guilt trips me if I don't visit her and stay with her every time I'm in town.

Well she's off my back now, I guess.
 

Roland

Confident
Deleted my mother's phone number out of my phone. I no longer have it and cannot look it up anymore. Deleted the text messages.

This might put a dent in holidays but I'd rather spend holidays alone than with her controlling ass.

The last holiday I spent with her was Thanksgiving and I had two glasses of wine. I wasn't driving anywhere, I'm a grown adult, I have a good job and was surrounded by family. She would watch me like a f*cking hawk across the room. She would follow me outside to make sure I wasn't drinking anymore. But she doesn't mind if my brother drinks, she doesn't try to control him. And when she's around, the air is so f*cking tense and I can only move slowly because she watches every move I make closely. I don't feel safe around her. She gives me the creeps and is controlling. I don't drink anymore but, f*ck, can't she just get off my back? I moved away to get away from my abuser and she's constantly trying to get me to move back. If I meet someone, she tries to convince me to dump them if they "stop" me from moving back, as if I don't make up my own mind. And if I visit and don't stay with her, it's a problem. Even though I have friends and other family, she gets pissed and guilt trips me if I don't visit her and stay with her every time I'm in town.

Well she's off my back now, I guess.
Congratulations! I bet that was really hard for you, but you'll be so much better off for it. You'll be able to make it. Maybe some holidays will be alone, but hopefully you'll find good people to share it with. Family doesn't have to be blood related <3
 

Rorster93

Confident
Congratulations! I bet that was really hard for you, but you'll be so much better off for it. You'll be able to make it. Maybe some holidays will be alone, but hopefully you'll find good people to share it with. Family doesn't have to be blood related <3
Thank you
 

Dolce

Learning
I don't know if I need to tell her for myself. I want to be able to stand up to her, that's my idea. It might backfire.
I understand this need to tell your Mom how she hurt you. I can very much relate to your story. It sounds as if she is narcissistic and that's why she can blame you and scapegoat you. I needed to go through lawyers to get my birth certificate from my Mom but if you can order it than do that. If there's a way around that that's simple don't play into her mind games b/c that is a with holding super immature mind game of a child. She is using holding on to your things as a form of control, saying I won't give you your things b/c where's my birthday phone call. Mature people don't do that reasonable don't do that. My Mom sounds cut of the same cloth. I don't understand narcissistic people and Mothers and we as hurt people want to make them see but they see things from their own warped self serving perspective. Narcissists do not care who they hurt so if you told her like my Mother she might retort back with a you hurt me like a child and not hear you. She could simply throw it right back on you and minimize you. Maybe some miracle would happen too but probably unlikely in both of our cases. I hold onto that sliver of hope too. We want our Mothers to care like they should listen to reason, and they don't. We want them to know and care that they hurt us and they care probably about themselves and their pride the most. Children are never to blame for any form of abuse. Mine was severe and it sounds as if yours was too and it does affect our self esteem. It's sad. I know the longing b/c I have it too for eventual closure and or apologies. I have read and experienced that confronting Narcissists with harsh truths or holding up a mirror to their true selves or one of them is dangerous. My Mom likes to be fake and put on false fronts. Maybe yours does too b/c she initially told the truth then she lied to protect her husband not her child she had a duty to protect and then blamed you. I know all about this. I know ab the labels. You are not a piece of garbage. It is normal to struggle after things like this but I hope you can overcome it and find the closure and happiness. You deserve it. What happened was not a reflection on you nor how you handle it. You do it as you see fit. I understand totally how you feel on this Memorial Day.

Congratulations! I bet that was really hard for you, but you'll be so much better off for it. You'll be able to make it. Maybe some holidays will be alone, but hopefully you'll find good people to share it with. Family doesn't have to be blood related <3
Echoeing the congrats I read an article about a woman who cut off her mother and one about red flags of narcissists and one of them is controlling who you talk to and or saying you should not talk to so and so and trying to control your life decisions as a grown adult. She sounds immature though and super controlling. I am glad you felt freed. I am also glad you have other family. I don't have that. That is good when there is other support networks also glad you have a job. Congrats. It's normal to feel sad when being the breaker uper or the dumpee but I imagine more empowering being the dumper for now anyways. Wishing a happy holiday.

Addendum...from my experience it would backfire...what you did was the best....and maybe this will give space for her to think about her actions and apologize...
or not...but you did the right empowering and safe thing and that's good. :). Telling narcissists straight out what they did wrong can backfire b/c they perceive it as a real severe attack and might respond very badly. Space was the answer. You can breathe and feel proud not bad in any way.
 
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Rorster93

Confident
It sounds as if she is narcissistic and that's why she can blame you and scapegoat you.
I've always been the scapegoat and my brother, the "golden" child but only because he does what she says so as not to hurt her feelings. My brother is not narcissistic, at least not from my interaction with him, but sometimes I wish I could just be out completely. They still have this belief there is some control over me. My brother does what my mother says. She is the puppet master. And he doesn't understand my distance or me not wanting to communicate with my mother. He blames me for not communicating because mom could never do anything wrong.
I needed to go through lawyers to get my birth certificate from my Mom but if you can order it than do that. If there's a way around that that's simple don't play into her mind games b/c that is a with holding super immature mind game of a child. She is using holding on to your things as a form of control, saying I won't give you your things b/c where's my birthday phone call. Mature people don't do that reasonable don't do that. My Mom sounds cut of the same cloth.
She has not changed, not one bit. Just like she was more concerned with her husband than her own daughter, she is more concerned with her stupid ass phone call than her own daughter. Everything comes before me. I am not worth her consideration. Which is why I get triggered so fast and so intensely with her. She is my mother and she does not care about me so why should I?
I don't understand narcissistic people and Mothers and we as hurt people want to make them see but they see things from their own warped self serving perspective. Narcissists do not care who they hurt so if you told her like my Mother she might retort back with a you hurt me like a child and not hear you. She could simply throw it right back on you and minimize you. Maybe some miracle would happen too but probably unlikely in both of our cases.

I hold onto that sliver of hope too. We want our Mothers to care like they should listen to reason, and they don't. We want them to know and care that they hurt us and they care probably about themselves and their pride the most. Children are never to blame for any form of abuse. Mine was severe and it sounds as if yours was too and it does affect our self esteem. It's sad. I know the longing b/c I have it too for eventual closure and or apologies. I have read and experienced that confronting Narcissists with harsh truths or holding up a mirror to their true selves or one of them is dangerous.

My Mom likes to be fake and put on false fronts. Maybe yours does too b/c she initially told the truth then she lied to protect her husband not her child she had a duty to protect and then blamed you.

Echoeing the congrats I read an article about a woman who cut off her mother and one about red flags of narcissists and one of them is controlling who you talk to and or saying you should not talk to so and so and trying to control your life decisions as a grown adult. She sounds immature though and super controlling.
She goes and has gone into a narcissistic rage, my stepdad/husband would go through them, too.

Her just standing in the room, she doesn't have to say anything, it's just the look on her face, the aura she gives off. The air is always tense and you don't want to make the wrong move or else. She is very controlling and intimidating, two things that are not motherly at all. I know I'm preaching to the choir, I should join the club but it makes me angry that she thinks she can control me this way and intimidate me and hurt me.
I am glad you felt freed. I am also glad you have other family. I don't have that. That is good when there is other support networks also glad you have a job. Congrats. It's normal to feel sad when being the breaker uper or the dumpee but I imagine more empowering being the dumper for now anyways. Wishing a happy holiday.

Addendum...from my experience it would backfire...what you did was the best....and maybe this will give space for her to think about her actions and apologize...
or not...but you did the right empowering and safe thing and that's good. :). Telling narcissists straight out what they did wrong can backfire b/c they perceive it as a real severe attack and might respond very badly. Space was the answer. You can breathe and feel proud not bad in any way.
I've decided not to say anything. For one, she does not deserve a word from me. At all. Two, I'm protecting myself from another flashback. I'm very angry with her and can call her every name in the book. I already deal with depression, going on meds, two f*cking therapists and she over there living her life like nothing ever f*cking happened.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
@Rorster93 and @Roland a lot of what you are talking about happened to me too with my dad. What you said about the sleeping is what got me wanting to respond because I never talked about it with other people who experienced something similar.

She also has to be in bed by 6pm every day. I remember her rage when my brother and I would be playing and get too loud anf wake her up. She had this evil look on her face, she raged at us
My dad’s naps dominated the daily routine and woe to anyone who blocked them in any way. Something weird is that he always used my baby blanket. And when he left he took it with him and he probably uses it to this day which is a thought I’m going to have to process and integrate somehow.
used to hit us for waking him up.
And the rage look on his face from being disturbed in his nap is an easy memory to conjure as there were so many iterations. Sometimes leading to bearings. But the bearings accompanied that face no matter what triggered it. It’s painful thinking about this stuff, but sharing it with you feels caring somehow. It’s a kind of frightening feeling to connect this way, thinking about these humans that transformed into phantasms/monsters but it seems healing, so I appreciate the thread. Not trying to derail, mostly commiserate.

Except there’s no reason to commiserate when there’s your newly born freedom @Rorster93 through no-contact! Congratulations! That feeling of knowing when I had really escaped—for real—was a top feeling of joy. I bet you can breathe a little deeper now.

@Roland the sex addict thing too for my dad. Watching porn at night where anyone, adult or child could see and he pretend like he didn’t know they were there. His needs being biological and supreme.

The sleep thing with his nap messed with my ability to set a schedule because I thought schedules were how people manipulate and control other people. So from my enmeshed persoe I would be perpetually available and forever flexible to
counter that. Which of course meant no boundaries. Once I began to reclaim my self (long process) I could develop my own schedule and permit myself to be sexual (another activity which seemed doomed to manipulation and control from my enmeshed-with-the-narcissist perspective—of which I had two, my dad and ex-husband.

Anyway, thanks for the thread, helpful for processing my own narcissistic dynamic. And seeing the similarities is striking.
 

Rorster93

Confident
@Rorster93 and @Roland a lot of what you are talking about happened to me too with my dad. What you said about the sleeping is what got me wanting to respond because I never talked about it with other people who experienced something similar.


My dad’s naps dominated the daily routine and woe to anyone who blocked them in any way. Something weird is that he always used my baby blanket. And when he left he took it with him and he probably uses it to this day which is a thought I’m going to have to process and integrate somehow.

And the rage look on his face from being disturbed in his nap is an easy memory to conjure as there were so many iterations. Sometimes leading to bearings. But the bearings accompanied that face no matter what triggered it. It’s painful thinking about this stuff, but sharing it with you feels caring somehow. It’s a kind of frightening feeling to connect this way, thinking about these humans that transformed into phantasms/monsters but it seems healing, so I appreciate the thread. Not trying to derail, mostly commiserate.

Except there’s no reason to commiserate when there’s your newly born freedom @Rorster93 through no-contact! Congratulations! That feeling of knowing when I had really escaped—for real—was a top feeling of joy. I bet you can breathe a little deeper now.

@Roland the sex addict thing too for my dad. Watching porn at night where anyone, adult or child could see and he pretend like he didn’t know they were there. His needs being biological and supreme.

The sleep thing with his nap messed with my ability to set a schedule because I thought schedules were how people manipulate and control other people. So from my enmeshed persoe I would be perpetually available and forever flexible to
counter that. Which of course meant no boundaries. Once I began to reclaim my self (long process) I could develop my own schedule and permit myself to be sexual (another activity which seemed doomed to manipulation and control from my enmeshed-with-the-narcissist perspective—of which I had two, my dad and ex-husband.

Anyway, thanks for the thread, helpful for processing my own narcissistic dynamic. And seeing the similarities is striking.
I'm glad this thread helped you and hope it helps others. It has def shown me that I'm not alone in my experiences with my mother. The pain I feel, others have felt it, too, and understand. That brings me comfort.

I appreciate you but I unfortunately do not feel joy at this moment. It does not make me happy. It's a sad thing to consider. But I do feel freedom and gratitude for my therapist for helping me realize what was going on and for this site, if I didn't start writing about my trauma, I wouldn't have seen the fact that she abandoned and abused me but turns around and expects with a sort of entitlement that I adhere to her demands and respect her as though nothing ever happened. As though I have amnesia.

Boy would it be nice to have amnesia. 🙂
 

Roland

Confident
@Rorster93 and @Roland a lot of what you are talking about happened to me too with my dad. What you said about the sleeping is what got me wanting to respond because I never talked about it with other people who experienced something similar.


My dad’s naps dominated the daily routine and woe to anyone who blocked them in any way. Something weird is that he always used my baby blanket. And when he left he took it with him and he probably uses it to this day which is a thought I’m going to have to process and integrate somehow.

And the rage look on his face from being disturbed in his nap is an easy memory to conjure as there were so many iterations. Sometimes leading to bearings. But the bearings accompanied that face no matter what triggered it. It’s painful thinking about this stuff, but sharing it with you feels caring somehow. It’s a kind of frightening feeling to connect this way, thinking about these humans that transformed into phantasms/monsters but it seems healing, so I appreciate the thread. Not trying to derail, mostly commiserate.

Except there’s no reason to commiserate when there’s your newly born freedom @Rorster93 through no-contact! Congratulations! That feeling of knowing when I had really escaped—for real—was a top feeling of joy. I bet you can breathe a little deeper now.

@Roland the sex addict thing too for my dad. Watching porn at night where anyone, adult or child could see and he pretend like he didn’t know they were there. His needs being biological and supreme.

The sleep thing with his nap messed with my ability to set a schedule because I thought schedules were how people manipulate and control other people. So from my enmeshed persoe I would be perpetually available and forever flexible to
counter that. Which of course meant no boundaries. Once I began to reclaim my self (long process) I could develop my own schedule and permit myself to be sexual (another activity which seemed doomed to manipulation and control from my enmeshed-with-the-narcissist perspective—of which I had two, my dad and ex-husband.

Anyway, thanks for the thread, helpful for processing my own narcissistic dynamic. And seeing the similarities is striking.
Don't worry, we're all here to connect and help recover and process things.

I'm honestly sorry that you can relate. But it does sound like you're working on reclaiming many things so that's a good sign. We're all growing here

I'm glad this thread helped you and hope it helps others. It has def shown me that I'm not alone in my experiences with my mother. The pain I feel, others have felt it, too, and understand. That brings me comfort.

I appreciate you but I unfortunately do not feel joy at this moment. It does not make me happy. It's a sad thing to consider. But I do feel freedom and gratitude for my therapist for helping me realize what was going on and for this site, if I didn't start writing about my trauma, I wouldn't have seen the fact that she abandoned and abused me but turns around and expects with a sort of entitlement that I adhere to her demands and respect her as though nothing ever happened. As though I have amnesia.

Boy would it be nice to have amnesia. 🙂
The joy will come, I guess xD

Disassociation amnesia is a thing, but it's hard to control, like you forget and remember, forget and remember
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Don’t know if this is relevant to this thread or I should start a new one. The discussions about the narcissistic parents’ demands for sleep transfers over to their eating habits for me. My dad would make himself a sandwich for lunch almost every day. It was a ritual for him.

And today I made myself a sandwich. I’ve done it many times before. But today I was especially conscious of the fact that I was referring to a meal plan and feeling satisfaction with possibly meeting my goal to feed myself three meals and three snacks a day. I was thinking about feeding myself while making the sandwich. And I had this memory of my dad making his sandwich. And it was like we were merged together. Which is odd. To feel like I’m embodying him. It’s a lie—I am myself. But I avoided actions like that before. Taking care of my needs and my hunger brought on resistance and self-punishment—as that’s what supported the narcissistic dynamic, my own self-denial.

It’s good that I can notice when that happens and reject the notion that doing an action that he did makes me like him. I am guessing my discomfort is the dissolution of the enmeshment inherent in narcissistic relationships.

Recovery from narcissistic parents is challenging, one reason being the rebuilding of the self whose growth was blocked by the games of the narcissistic dynamic.
 

Rorster93

Confident
Don’t know if this is relevant to this thread or I should start a new one. The discussions about the narcissistic parents’ demands for sleep transfers over to their eating habits for me. My dad would make himself a sandwich for lunch almost every day. It was a ritual for him.

And today I made myself a sandwich. I’ve done it many times before. But today I was especially conscious of the fact that I was referring to a meal plan and feeling satisfaction with possibly meeting my goal to feed myself three meals and three snacks a day. I was thinking about feeding myself while making the sandwich. And I had this memory of my dad making his sandwich. And it was like we were merged together. Which is odd. To feel like I’m embodying him. It’s a lie—I am myself. But I avoided actions like that before. Taking care of my needs and my hunger brought on resistance and self-punishment—as that’s what supported the narcissistic dynamic, my own self-denial.

It’s good that I can notice when that happens and reject the notion that doing an action that he did makes me like him. I am guessing my discomfort is the dissolution of the enmeshment inherent in narcissistic relationships.

Recovery from narcissistic parents is challenging, one reason being the rebuilding of the self whose growth was blocked by the games of the narcissistic dynamic.
I can tell that this can be especially hard. But maybe looking at it a different way might help. Like your dad was the cause of the abuse, not the making of a meal. Plenty of people other than your dad make meals and feed themselves that do not abuse others. It is a universal task with a sole purpose of satisfying hunger and no other meaning.

I feel like it's similar to a story I was told in therapy where a woman was raped while wearing a yellow dress. Now she no longer wears yellow dresses because they remind her of the trauma but it wasn't the yellow dress that caused the trauma, it was the man who raped her that caused the trauma. So she is free to wear whatever she wants knowing that it had nothing to do with what happened to her.

My own experience had me frightened of loud music in the car or house. I just needed silence. I was so concerned with it, my fear turned into angry panic. My stepdad would blare music in the car and trap me in. I could not escape and the music would be so loud I couldn't even hear myself think and I was riddled with anxiety. There was no asking him to turn it down, he was not a safe person. I couldn't stay home either because I was afraid of being abandoned and alone, not knowing where he was or what was going on. So I banished music from my life completely. But it wasn't the music or the car ride that made the situation dangerous, it was my stepdad.

And you also can look at your intentions, your heart and the reasons why you care for yourself. It is genuine, good, healthy, comes from a good place. Whereas the intentions of your dad were not. That's something that is a big difference between you and your dad.

This may not help but I don't like the idea of someone not caring for themselves because their abuser did similar things but in an evil way. That's heartbreaking.
 
I too grew up with a narcissistic mother, so I feel your pain. She's dead now (cancer), and has been for over a decade, but she still haunts my thoughts, my dreams and my nightmares. I still get the emotional flashbacks, especially if I'm having a bad day, if I hear shouting (my parents argued at lot) then I'm right back to being that abused little kid again even though I'm now nearly 60.

I was the scapegoat child. I was blamed for the breakdown of her marriage purely by being born, and was regularly told that I wasn't fulfilling the purpose she bought me into the world for. Her lifes work was to make sure my sister and I hated each other, because if we were divided we could never overcome and would always be isolated.

My mother's death was my only release from her grasp so if you have managed to break free, stay strong and stay free. Your mother will never change, its just not in her nature.
 

Rorster93

Confident
I too grew up with a narcissistic mother, so I feel your pain. She's dead now (cancer), and has been for over a decade, but she still haunts my thoughts, my dreams and my nightmares. I still get the emotional flashbacks, especially if I'm having a bad day, if I hear shouting (my parents argued at lot) then I'm right back to being that abused little kid again even though I'm now nearly 60.

I was the scapegoat child. I was blamed for the breakdown of her marriage purely by being born, and was regularly told that I wasn't fulfilling the purpose she bought me into the world for. Her lifes work was to make sure my sister and I hated each other, because if we were divided we could never overcome and would always be isolated.

My mother's death was my only release from her grasp so if you have managed to break free, stay strong and stay free. Your mother will never change, its just not in her nature.
I'm sorry you went through this and still go through it sometimes. Thank you for sharing and for your encouragement. The similarities just amaze me!
 
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