How to respond to friend normalising symptoms?

[Barb]

I have ptsd from multiple traumas throughout my life. My ptsd can come and go. Recently I struggled with my ptsd. In talking to a good friend I’d describe something I’m going through (emotional dysreguation or intrusive memories) , he would say that everyone feels that. I think he was trying to make me feel better. But, I’m struggling with what to tell him. Why it bothers me - I think I makes me feel invalidated. And also how to explain that ptsd isn’t the same as what non ptsd people experience.

 

[Barb.b]

Hi, I have ptsd from multiple traumas. Recently I was describing to a friend what I was going through with a recent ptsd episode - basically a couple months of it resurfacing. He meant well but would often say something I was describing was something everyone goes through. I am struggling with how to tell him ptsd is different then what non-ptsd people experience. Like the intensity of emotion; emotional dysregulation or intrusive memories. I get where these ptsd things can look like what all people experience- but they aren’t. Any suggestions on how I can tell him this without it looking like attention getting (like I’m saying, “but this is so much worse then what others go through.”) or like I’m trying to get pity. Somehow it’s important to me to get him to see ptsd isn’t just what everyone experiences but it’s different and it’s more intense.

 

[Friday]

he would say that everyone feels that.

That’s exactly where I’d start… with his frame of reference.

EVERY disorder/condition out there is made up of things that EVERYONE (almost) experiences.

So? Pick a disorder you don’t have, for a moment. OCD, ADHD, GAD, whatever. Everyone has moments where they experience panic, or overwhelm, or fixation, or any other symptom in the constellation. They’re just that, though. Moments. Directly attributable to something happening right then and there. They’re moments, not reality, and not present in ALL environments/situations.

So that’s where I start. Almost anyone who drives? Has had a close call or 20. The sudden ice water for blood, pounding hart, sparkle-tunnel-vision, shakes, heart in a razor clawed vice, etc. So I ask them if they’ve had that? Even having to pull over, sometimes, because they can’t keep driving until they’ve shaken it off? Yep. Okay, now imagine that happens to you randomly. Buying cereal, walking down the street, folding clothes. Zip zero nada zilch to cause the sudden adrenaline surge. Just normal life. And BAM!!! It is such a bizarre experience, first time, that most people think they’re having a heart attack. Now? Imagine that 20 times a day. Half of which? Come with reliving, like in a dream NOT remembering, the worst moments of your life. Having a nightmare WHILE awake.

Shrug. Etc. I start with where they’re at, and have them imagine, until they can see how completely normal things (like an adrenaline surge in a near miss car accident) become symptoms/pathological when they’re not normal.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

Just as another perspective - you actually might not know what your friend experiences, and what you describe might be normal for them.

Years ago I had a friend who LOVED being chronically ill and would complain and complain about stuff looking for sympathy and thinking that their symptoms were dramatic and unique. But so much of what they described was stuff I had experienced, like joint pain. Maybe what I had experienced was different from theirs. I don't know and I don't want to judge. But I was literally incapable of giving the sympathy they craved because I just thought things weren't that bad. And maybe I was the A-hole in this situation, but I just think that sometimes people aren't trying to downplay stuff but legitimately think that they understand (even if they don't).

Also -- this friend had no idea that I have PTSD/DID. That much of what they described as being so dramatic was stuff that I was already experiencing on a daily basis. Sometimes we just don't know what other people are going through.

 

[KendallChapman]

You are right, I agree with you.