End Of My Rope -- My Fixation With Vigilantism

[Teddy]

Can I help you with this one. It is close to my heart after the abuse I suffered from my daughgterh and her 50 yearl old male friend. I so understand what you are going through.
go to our conversation area if you want and I can tell you what I have learnt. and how I dealt with it.

 

[Kintsugi]

Go to the gym. Do some weight lifting. And while you're lifting weights, think about your brother and how much you want to decapitate him. Use that energy to push the weight up and give yourself strength.

I was just thinking that maybe I am so angry being I haven't seriously rock climbed in almost two years. I did it for the seven hardest years so far of all of this sh*t. Now that I reflect on it, I highly recommend it as a hobby. Knowing that not only do I have the strength to do laps on a route but that I have the bodily control to do so silently really does help. I generally think during these times about what an out-of-control, weak, pathetic man my abuser has become. ^-^ Plus, rock climbing hurts, so if you release anger through self-torture, this is a pretty constructive activity. You will go through pain and perseverance and come out with a healthier body! Pretty win-win.

I still want him to suffer, but this helped to remember that I've dealt with this constructively in the past.Too bad I'm too snooty to go to the local gym. They let non-professionals set their routes--*gasp!* I really need to suck it up and visit. Maybe they even need a new instructor! ^-^

 

[BloomInWinter]

Don't know if this would help, but I handle my rage with this stuff most health-fully (if that term could even apply at all...) by using a trick I learned in 12 step groups.

They taught us to 'think through the drink'...that is, when my mind goes there, don't stop it at the lovely warm feeling once it goes down...proceed all the way through to the wreckage on the other side.

So when the urge for revenge comes up, as it is normal to do so...follow it all the way through. Don't resist the thoughts. Just...follow them through.

So you do light the match to let your loved ones explode.

...and they do get your payback.
...and they get arrested.
...and sent to prison
...their families bankrupted
...and shamed
...shut off from the world...but shut in with more abusers.

...and how you'd feel watching that wreckage in their lives.
...knowing then your abusers haven't just traumatized you, but wrecked the landscape for your loved ones, too.

...and that you have to live with having become a tool in that machine of total destruction.

...and what those feelings you'd have would be.

...and whether or not that would truly bring you what you are hoping for.

It's worked for me, so far. Mostly. :P

There are times, however...

 

[Kintsugi]

...and they do get your payback.
...and they get arrested.
...and sent to prison
...their families bankrupted
...and shamed
...shut off from the world...but shut in with more abusers.

See, that's the thing. When I think, "Oh god, my friends will get into trouble," I remember when my brother got his knee dislocated again. He told my parents he slipped at the mall. The truth is, someone at the mall dislocated his knee because he and his friends were "fags." I kept his secret from my parents and watched my brother for the first time just suck it up. Maybe he was embarrassed. More likely, he didn't want the situation to blow up, because it would require work on his part. The reality, I think, is that he would do nothing, because that is what he's good at doing.

Another problem is that my fiance has recently expressed the plan to just punch him out at our wedding. Honestly, what is my family going to do? Persecute my new husband? No, they wouldn't. They may be upset. They may decide they don't like my husband. That's too f*cking bad, because I'm the one who is deciding to marry him. Besides, if they did take legal action, for all the connections and wealth I know my parents have, they are nothing versus my fiance's family. He has way too much family in high places or close relatives who have millions. My family in all honesty would be forced to back down from such a petty assault charge in the interest of finances. It wouldn't matter to my fiance's family. Throwing thousands at the legal system, throwing thousands out a car window--it would not matter to his relatives. No biggie.

ANOTHER problem with trying to really realistically think about this is that my most reliable contact is a professional at what he does. I mean, this is his business, his income. Besides, his favorite way to "solve problems," as he calls his work (he almost exclusively helps women in abusive/stalker situations), is to just seriously mess with his targets. I'd love to set him on my ex-boyfriend, who used scare tactics and stalking to try and get me back with him. Let's see how he feels when he has the sensation of being constantly watched and under threat.

Damn. See? Back to vengeful fantasy.

The truth then is that probably my actions and the actions of those who support me would not be punished. My greatest satisfaction would probably be watching my abusers try to get justice for themselves and failing. Agh, so sick.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((MissA))))))

Maybe this isn't such a bad thing...this anger? Maybe it's a part of processing and transforming, instead of just turning it in.

Maybe...not so sick, just human.

Either way...you're still a wonderful person. :>

 

[Kintsugi]

Maybe this isn't such a bad thing...this anger? Maybe it's a part of processing and transforming, instead of just turning it in.

This may be true, certainly. I felt a lot better when I allowed myself to go through a short period of rage several years ago. It even subsided in its own time to the background of my mind rather than the forefront, and I felt a lot lighter after giving myself room to experience anger. But then my family just betrayed me again by bringing my brother back home when I left for college (I had him kicked out of the house when I was 16, which resulted in him getting a fully paid apartment with all his basic needs met by my parents), and there's so much silence. So, so much silence.

Now I feel like I'm going through another period of anger, but I am determined to make this one really work for me in some way. I am tired of feeling like a fatigued and weak failure because I can't seem to succeed in delivering my anger. When I was younger, whenever I opened my mouth to try and express my rage, I just went to a valley in my mind with fire pouring off my body and filling the grassy trench with destruction. I always told myself, "You can't speak, because it just won't hurt them enough, so don't try" and went back to my valley where I could be anything.

Maybe...not so sick, just human.
Either way...you're still a wonderful person. :>

Aw, Bloom, thank you. Means a lot to me that you feel that way. Sometimes I feel on this site that I say the ugliest things to the sweetest audience, and how can I do that? But it's probably more likely, as you inferred, that everybody has somewhere/something dark in their minds.

 

[Heather]

Sunshine - Could I "borrow" your fiance and his scare tactics...... My brother-in-law deserves some of those:D:p

I think this qualifies as that something dark in their minds!

 

[Kintsugi]

Sunshine - Could I "borrow" your fiance and his scare tactics...

Actually, that contact is a "friend" (more like spontaneous person in my life who acts like it's his duty to protect me and can connect to PTSD because of Iraq), and he would probably appreciate your business, but I don't think anthony would appreciate me soliciting violence. ^-^

On another note... got a message from a great friend on here. Her message was one of focusing on my personal success, but as I read and sat with her words it began to emerge to me that this is not what I really want. What I really want is impossible. It includes reversing time to my disclosure and having my parents act the way I thought parents were supposed to act in hearing their daughter was abused. And if it had been anyone else, it may have provoked a reaction from them, even if it's not the one I crave (really what I would like is for my father to be the kind of man to at least express wanting to hurt someone who hurt his family). Because it was with my brother, I did not get anything. If anything, I was punished for the situation while he was not. They decided instead to berate me for not healing faster and discouraged the things I felt I needed to get better (like my brother leaving at the age of 22--how hard is that?).

I want to reverse time and have my parents do what I always felt they should have done. Even if they had just followed through on making him go to therapy as they promised, forced my brother to undergo therapy if he wanted to stay in the house, it may have been enough to help me from feeling so left in the dust here. Instead they continue to put me through unreasonable pain for the sake of the family (putting me in a cabin with him for a family cruise for 10 days). All of these are "even if this had or that was". I can't change these things so all I want is for someone to do what my parents didn't, with a vengeance.

Now I'm just sort of grieving.

 

[Teddy]

Always remember that no matter who does who to whom, the best man left standing is the one that stays in his own intergrity and his own honour.
Those that don't do suffer in the end.
Those that do, end up with everything.

Shit floats.
Look inside a septic tank if you don't believe me.

All the truth comes to the top sooner or later so just have patience.

In the meantime, try and focus on doing something nice for some one else so the cycle stops.

Helping others is a great remedy for anger!!

PS so is sleep.......

 

[anni]

I'm late reading this thread, so sorry if it's all been processed and it's besides the point by now. It's probaby not even all that helpful since everyone is different and so is what will make some dent in the pain, I think.

It's got to be 'normal' for one's head to resort to this, or at least where it might go when forced into such abnormal, hideous situations ( for want of a better word. ). I'm not saying 'right'- am leaving morality out of it. I did this, but am not excusing myself. I had solid, real, actual plans in place for revenge and in my head there was a very short walk to go to where it was ok to implement them. It wasn't 'just' revenge, either, I'd be safe if he was gone because the courts had allowed this man again and again to threaten my life. He meant it. I was obsessed with these plans-they kept me awake as much as the sheer fear did in those days.

It was the repurcussions which kept me from going too far, I'm sorry to say. I wish it were some finer instinct as a human being but it wasn't. It's a very good thing this frightened me even more than he did, since I absolutely know I'd be in jail at the moment. These *sswipes simply are not worth this in the end. My father told me one thing which got me through so much. Yes, they seem as if they prosper but in the end they do not. He said 'Evil is always in the process of destroying itself'. You don't have to be religious to recognize the truth in this- it just does. These types get away with more and more-the courts allow them lee way, they become more and more out of control, arrogant and finally go too far. They eat themselves somehow, quite satisfactorily. Mine's dead. I do not wish this on anybody but I'm not going to lie and say I'm not much more at peace now that he's gone. I had nothing to do with it, he did it himself.

I don't know what I'd do differently to give myself some out from those endless revenge thoughts. I do remember that even when I knew I just was not going to ever follow through with anything it gave me some sort of peace imagining this stuff then being able to dismiss it. Looking back I have to say gosh, it would have been amazing to have had this place to have come to and leave some of it here, too. I see some suggestions which are making me think well, why didn't I think of doing that 20 years ago?

Sorry to come into this so late-please ignore all this if incredibly unhelpful and sorry so long. I couldn't help but say something just because oh my, I remember this so clearly. I hope you have some peace soon.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Deleted member 487]

I deal with my vengefulness by listening to some music that expresses my feelings very well. That way I get it out.

 

[Reclusive]

I think I'm on the same page as Anni on this one. The thing is, the people who have done these things to us are even sicker than we are. They do things to other humans that a human should never be able to do. They are damaged and few of them ever seek repair. They think money will make them happy? No. New wife? No. Car? No. Making someone else miserable? No, not really. *WE* can get better and know happiness and that's something they will never have. They will die sick and miserable. That's what gets me through - I think of my abuser and I know that I'm getting better and she - none of them - are and likely never will.

That used to satisfy my anger before I misplaced it. Now I just feel sad for them.