I work far, far more than full-time, usually about 60 to 80 hours per week, 7 days per week. I have been working on my own lately, so I have had to deal with clients, get new jobs, go to jobsites, go to government offices, etc. Being a workaholic has been my only coping method for over 20 years. It really has not been working, which is what led me to start learning how to cope with PTSD and find a therapist. If I did not do that, my fiancee would have left me. I am coping a little better as far as my anger management goes, but nightmares overtake me at night still.
I am an architect intern and I love architecture and learning about construction and buildings. The technical aspects of it distract me from my own mind, especially the math. Complex 3D problems are also quite fun for me. I love that there is no argument with geometry - it is correct or it isn't. That's it. No one can argue with that. Numbers don't care about my problems. The deadlines can be quite difficult, especially knowing that if I do not finish the drawings, some carpenters will not have any work on Monday and they will be sent home. That is all on me. They have families and bills to pay, so I am driven to not fail them. This can be quite distracting as well. On the other hand, this proves that I still care about humanity, right? I feel guilt if I fail, and I really hate that, so I go to extraordinary efforts to succeed. Most nights, I work until 4 am. That is normal - the dark, quiet nights - no phone calls - no one else awake - just my loud music and my drawings.
I know that I work too much to distract myself from complex trauma. Sometimes, I am not sure if I am working so much because I have to or if I am working to just not think about my own f___ed up life. I try not to think about anything before the age of 18. As soon as I do, I pick up a pencil and start drawing. Everything disappears. I am alone again. No one exists, just the problem, just space, light, shadow, umbra, mass... I push push push everything out of my brain and think only of numbers and options and how things actually fit together in space. Then, when it's over, I have to go back to reality and my memories that fight their way back in, clawing. Can I go back now? Can I leave you all again? Go back to my drawings, lines, vectors, a single point in space that becomes more important than anything else in the world for just a few moments.
