Sufferer I Guess This Is A First Step

[foreverchanged]

As much as I am fighting and denying it, I guess I need to accept the fact that I may likely have PTSD. I haven't gone to a psychiatrist, but my family doctor gave me the diagnosis after I told him what I had experienced and how it is affecting me...This sucks...I really don't want to have this.

I feel like right now I am doing exceptionally well functioning for the most part, but functioning isn't really a way to live. Hope this isn't a case of the ticking bomb. I thought I was stronger than this.

Whew, the first post was fairly painless...

 

[foreverchanged]

Since the introduction was fairly easy to do, I will elaborate on why I think (and my doctor) I may have PTSD...

Back in late August or early September last year I moved in with the love of my life. My youngest son and myself. My boyfriend had multiple mental issues including Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Disorder, amongst other things. I had known him a very long time and knew about all of these. If you googled any of his disorders to find out info on it, you might as well seen his picture pop up. He refused therapy and meds except Klonopin for anxiety. I'm quite sure being an Airborne Ranger in Bosnia and other places he may have had PTSD. Veterans and Memorial Day were very very bad times for him...

He deteriorated over the next couple of months and reached his lowest point around and right after Veterans Day. I asked him to go to the hospital but he refused. On to the short part of the story...

On November 17 at 12:57 a.m. he decided to take his own life with his 9mm. He just happened to do it while I was sitting by him on the couch trying to talk him into taking the gun out of his mouth. I wasn't successful and now know he had made up his mind a few minutes earlier, I just wasn't getting what he was telling me.

Luckily the lights were off and only had light coming in thru the sliding glass door and I was not looking directly at him. That kept me from seeing that billionth of a second in time. I am sure I don't need to go into detail on what I saw when I jumped up and turned on the light. Luckily my son in the other room never woke up thru the 4 or 5 hour police investigation or his dad coming over to get him after the body was removed. To add to things, I cleaned up all the visible blood before his family was notified and came over to see something they didn't need to see...
I went to one therapy session. The therapist thinks he waited until I came into the room because he trusted me and didn't want to leave this earth alone. He had more than enough time to do it before I came in the room. And I'm ok with that. He knew I would somehow be able to continue on after that..

The aftermath seems to mostly be isolating myself as much as possible from family and friends. I don't talk about it really with anyone because it makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to think or say. My ability to handle stressful situations is non existent and when moderately stressed I'm about to go postal. I have no social life and just go to work and go home. My kids and seeing his kids helps me focus because I can't let them down.

Other than that, everything seems to be like walking in a foggy circle...

 

[a3a2]

I am so sorry. You sound very strong. Strong enough to seek help. Therapy is pretty important. Hopefully your doctor told you that as well.

 

[foreverchanged]

Thanks. No, actually he didn't. He just gave me a prescription for prozac and for something for arthritis. I have bad TMJ and it seems the last few months my body's way of handling stress is by grinding my teeth at night which really causes a lot of jaw, neck, and shoulder pain. It's not my only symptoms, but the ones that are most noticeable. That and the looping video in my head from that night.

I keep hearing from everyone, especially a friend that is a Vietnam vet and has severe PTSD, that I should be in therapy. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm such a mind over matter person and refuse to be weak or breakdown that I logically talk myself out of it. Money is also an issue. I always put myself last.

I really appreciate the input

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi FC, welcome to the forum.

You sound very strong to me. PTSD actually throws the chemicals in your brain off balance and creates a change. Managing PTSD is not merely an act of coping with an incident but coping with biological and psychological changes.

I am sorry to hear that you feel so alone. Not being able to talk about our trauma due to the reactions of others seems to be common here. It is for me. I hope that you find the support and education that I have in this community.

 

[AliveInside]

Hi foreverchanged, I too feel forever changed through my own experience which brought me here. You do sound very strong, but not so strong you don't need help, we all do. Many therapists will put you on a sliding scale if you can not afford their help. do you have insurance? you need to talk about this and your feelings and start to unravel what's going on with you. the sooner the better,I wasted over a decade of my life, hiding from my problems isolating myself, self medicating. I'm just now facing my reality and what happened to me, to be the best for those kids and yourself take the steps to address this. You are worth it.

 

[foreverchanged]

Thanks for the input. It's very hard to differentiate between the traumatic experience part of things and the grieving process. I feel like I am doing pretty well on the grieving part. I miss him terribly but would not for a second wish him to be here the way he was. His mind was torture to him 24/7, 365. I know he is peaceful now.

One thing I feel an overwhelming need to do is go back to the apartment we lived in at the time. It is still vacant. I feel like it is something I need to overcome. It took me months just to drive by it without tripping. For some reason I also feel like I need to go see where the bullet went. These two things seem a bit odd to me.

I know I am worth the effort to be the best I can be for my kids and his kids, who are still a big part of our lives. Money is definitely an issue even though I have insurance. Also, it is very hard to find a time I can go without my youngest son being with me. Due to the circumstances and how close my children were with him, we chose to tell them it was an accidental shooting. I'm not sure if they would do well if they accidentally found out the truth because they had to be with me during a therapy session.

Yet again, just avoiding what I need to do I guess

 

[AliveInside]

I know what you mean, by way of example I was disfigured in a car accident in 1995. I had the same feelings of sadness mixed with attempts to move forward, there was also that will to ignore and pretend it didn't happen. I would tell myself hey it's no big deal just act like it didn't happen and you'll be fine. None of that worked by the way.

You probably want to go back there and see the place and the bullet for closure. I don't know if that will help you find it or not. I think you really need to talk with a conselor or trained MD in the field of psychology.

I wonder if your state would provide some assistance considering he took his own life and there are the children who need a sitter of some sort. Perhaps the military can offer something. I'm sure everyone has short arms and deep pockets so that may be a brick wall, I'm no expert at this. I'm glad to see you are beginning the process of working through all this. As I tell myself and others here. Be patient with yourself, try to remain as rational and logical as possible so you can see things for what they really are so that you can develop a real working strategy. You have a lot of courage if you ever want to talk this is a great place for it and I am available by PM if you feel like talking. Welcome I hope you find this place as useful as I do.

 

[foreverchanged]

Thanks again for your input. I'm sorry you had to go thru that and the aftermath of your injuries and accident. When I read what some people have experienced I feel like I should just suck it up and go forward.

I am sure I can figure out the money part of getting therapy. I am taking my time and processing everything. It's at least a start that I am even admitting that this is something I shouldn't be dealing with by myself.

 

[Froggie]

It's very hard to differentiate between the traumatic experience part of things and the grieving process.

Welcome to the forum FC. You have experienced something VERY difficult. And yes, it is hard to differentiate between the traumatic event and the grieving process. As some mentionned, therapy will be of help. For me, it was when I finally got to meet a psychiatrist who changed my medication helped me find some peace in my life. Again, as some mentionned, traumas like yours, mine, others, do cause neurological inbalance where the need of meds. I also underwent therapy. Whatever you do, get the help YOU need and deserve, you still have your son to look after and you need all the strenght you can get, even if you are strong, this rough time sucks up your energy. Linking arms with you.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi ForeverChanged! It is nice to meet you, although I would also prefer that the circumstances were different. Your experience has definitely been traumatic. This type of traumatic experience would have had to change you, making your name extremely fitting. I also agree with the others that you are strong, very strong actually. This will help you in getting better. Obviously, you will never forget what you saw, felt, and heard. Are you still seeing the therapist? With PTSD, there is no way to cure it directly, other than therapy. Additionally, you can take medication to treat symptoms (commonly anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and if needed sleeping medications). Getting enough good-quality sleep is very important.

How many kids do you have? Do you take care of your boyfriend's kids too? I am very glad that you find some solace in the kids (yours and his). How are the kids doing with all of this? Are you and the kids helping each other cope?

How severe are your symptoms? What alleviates them or makes them worse? Stress is a common factor, and it is my main trigger. For me any kind of stress (e.g. eustress, overstimulation, minor stress, waiting for things, multitasking) exacerbates my symptoms. Knowing what the triggers are and working hard on keeping my symptoms in a manageable range is currently my goal, instead of my symptoms swinging from extreme activation (flashbacks, hyperactivity to extreme deactivation (dissociation)). It is not easy but very effective. Sometimes it can be exceptionally difficult to stop activities with little to no warning. My therapist suggested this as a coping skill a few weeks ago. It at least allows me to have a more regular routine. Different things work for different people at different times. So, you would need to find what works for you.

I hope that you find the same amount of support and respect that I have had on this site.

Take care!

 

[foreverchanged]

Hi Nomad...currently I am not seeing a therapist. At times I think to myself " I don't need a therapist." Other times it is overwhelmingly obvious that I really need to be seeing a therapist. I got the bright idea a few weeks ago to join a dating website just to see about maybe getting out and having a little relaxation time. Bad, bad idea on my part. The first time I was asked for my phone number I froze. It took me 2 days to give it thru email and I have yet to call the guy back. That was two days ago. I felt overwhelmed at the idea of talking to someone or meeting them and getting asked questions about why my last relationship ended. I also feel sometimes that I look like I am about to go postal to other people. I also have the feeling like I would be cheating. All this is happening in my mind when I KNOW he would not want me sitting around forever. It's just not that easy.

I have two children of my own and then his two boys. I get them pretty regularly, but they live with their mom. One child acts like nothing ever happened. The other son is trying to move forward with life. We talk about their dad, but not about what happened. We just try to remember all the good times we had together. His oldest son and I feel the same way regarding talking about things. It just makes other people feel uncomfortable.

My most common symptoms are what I would describe as mild anxiety, depression, the inability to handle hardly any stress. My temper is very short. Sometimes if I feel overwhelmed I get crazy ideas, which I would never carry out. One day I was really running short on time for work and I thought if I just slam into the concrete wall then I could just not have to go to work for a few days. I would NEVER do anything like that but the thought is appealing.

I have pretty much isolated myself from family and friends. I go to work and come home. I never go out or socialize unless it is on the verge of losing a friendship or something if I don't go. I really don't have any nightmares. I have had one or two. I just have that constant looping video of that night in my head. The sounds, smells, and visuals. I do have extreme guilt that I couldn't stop it from happening. I really don't get proper rest. I sleep enough, but I have narcolepsy, which means I don't get quality sleep. That's another story for another day. At night I take all my stress out by grinding my teeth. That causes jaw, neck, and shoulder pain 24/7. I guess the main thing that concerns me is my short fuse and inability to handle stress. My attitude is pretty much an "I couldn't care less" attitude. I just do what I must do for the kids, work, and keeping things running, but nothing more.

It's been just lovely. I really shouldn't complain because I have not experienced, by any means, some of the terrible things other people have experienced in their life. It makes me feel like I am whining and should just suck it up and be ok with the fact that he is no longer suffering and is in a better place, no matter what the method is that he chose to depart or what it was like to go thru that experience.