Emotions - I guess an emotional rollercoaster is part of the healing process, right?

[Tinyflame]

Yes @the10thleper319 , funny you say it (I thought the story was 9) but I always thought of a reminder to gratitude when I saw your name. Though I imagine it goes further- the heart of it and the relationship rather than just illustrating a moment of gratitude? JMHO anyway. And I think we can relate to what such a repercussion meant and was viewed as.

Idk if I have faith or turned to it because I had no other options, awful or hypocritical as it sounds? On one hand I have some, and I have little doubt there is more existing, who I call God, who is more personal and tender-hearted than He gets credit for. On the other hand sometimes I feel- cheated?- or perhaps I am just an idiot who made bad choices lol. Or perhaps hopeless is a better word, as I have no idea or capacity to know what is God's plan nor what is in others' hearts. Yet I have that superstition that complaining will = it getting worse, though I don't think of God as punitive. I suppose I feel God has all those (positive) attributes but I am off His radar, just worthless actually. However, life goes on regardless of what I feel or how I am. Apologies if that is too much of a downer, for sure (I don't look like such a downer irl apparently lol. I guess it comes from carrying so many secrets). My feelings though are not something I can afford to think of or I won't put one foot in front of the other. I couldn't live without faith yet equally know it's lacking because I feel no joy, it's about survival. My whole life has always been about survival, and yet meaning nothing to anyone it seems a moot goal and always one that slips a bit through my fingers. Mind you, ptsd increases stress or rather difficulty managing it exponentially, IME.

One funny thing that sticks with me, was a comic I saw as a kid with a child saying a prayer, "I don't think there is anyone to hear me but if anyone is out there listening..", and you see all these people in the clouds with pens and paper lol.

I think if you are waking up with different emotions you may also be processing while you sleep- supposedly we do most of our thinking then. Who knows what or what dreams impact our emotions when we wake. In time you might be able to put thoughts and words to the feelings. Much in their own time too I would suspect.

Hugs!

 

[the10thleper319]

Yes @the10thleper319 , funny you say it (I thought the story was 9) but I always thought of a reminder to gratitude when I saw your name. Though I imagine it goes further- the heart of it and the relationship rather than just illustrating a moment of gratitude? JMHO anyway. And I think we can relate to what such a repercussion meant and was viewed as.

Idk if I have faith or turned to it because I had no other options, awful or hypocritical as it sounds? On one hand I have some, and I have little doubt there is more existing, who I call God, who is more personal and tender-hearted than He gets credit for. On the other hand sometimes I feel- cheated?- or perhaps I am just an idiot who made bad choices lol. Or perhaps hopeless is a better word, as I have no idea or capacity to know what is God's plan nor what is in others' hearts. Yet I have that superstition that complaining will = it getting worse, though I don't think of God as punitive. I suppose I feel God has all those (positive) attributes but I am off His radar, just worthless actually. However, life goes on regardless of what I feel or how I am. Apologies if that is too much of a downer, for sure (I don't look like such a downer irl apparently lol. I guess it comes from carrying so many secrets). My feelings though are not something I can afford to think of or I won't put one foot in front of the other. I couldn't live without faith yet equally know it's lacking because I feel no joy, it's about survival. My whole life has always been about survival, and yet meaning nothing to anyone it seems a moot goal and always one that slips a bit through my fingers. Mind you, ptsd increases stress or rather difficulty managing it exponentially, IME.

One funny thing that sticks with me, was a comic I saw as a kid with a child saying a prayer, "I don't think there is anyone to hear me but if anyone is out there listening..", and you see all these people in the clouds with pens and paper lol.

I think if you are waking up with different emotions you may also be processing while you sleep- supposedly we do most of our thinking then. Who knows what or what dreams impact our emotions when we wake. In time you might be able to put thoughts and words to the feelings. Much in their own time too I would suspect.

Hugs!

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing yourself like that . The sleep/emotions thought is definitely to be considered. Hugs back to you!

 

[Tinyflame]

Well thanks @the10thleper319 , but fwiw I always feel my opinions are rather stupid. I think there is a reason for things, or rather things that come out of them. I suppose being too close to one's own situation doesn't help to grasp them easily.

Yes for sure I have woken up feeling lousy for no reason only to find out I cried in my sleep and what was overheard I said. So please go easy on yourself!

 

[Tinyflame]

PS @the10thleper319 I was reminded today of a saint who said ~reach up as high as you can and God will reach down to you. I have found that to be true.

We shouldn't just say , " That's all we can do" but rather " This/that is what we can do", whatever it may be.

 

[the10thleper319]

Well thanks @the10thleper319 , but fwiw I always feel my opinions are rather stupid. I think there is a reason for things, or rather things that come out of them. I suppose being too close to one's own situation doesn't help to grasp them easily.

Yes for sure I have woken up feeling lousy for no reason only to find out I cried in my sleep and what was overheard I said. So please go easy on yourself!

No your opinions are not stupid. Learning and practicing self-compassion/understanding has been a silver lining in this whole trauma ordeal for me, definitely helping with the healing. You too: go easy on yourself. Hugs.

 

[the10thleper319]

I feel confused on balancing my emotions. Because of the cervical spinal stenosis, I walk with a cane. I am 59 yo. Just now I became sad as I thought how my life has become. Then my "look for the silver lining" mentality kicked in and I remembered Alex my roommate at the physical rehab center earlier this year. He's a year younger than me and got a stroke; he has a bent arm and in a wheelchair. The emotional rollercoaster continues.

 

[Tinyflame]

It is really hard to be faced with defining or redefining ourselves @the10thleper319 , what is core and what is transient or superficial. You are still you and that's what is true and matters.

 

[the10thleper319]

It is really hard to be faced with defining or redefining ourselves @the10thleper319 , what is core and what is transient or superficial. You are still you and that's what is true and matters.

Thank you!

 

[the10thleper319]

I believe I have the answer about the conflicting emotions. I realized this as I was journaling this morning. There are several similar scenarios to the mourning my life and then remembering Alex. I get upset that I don't do more in the apartment and self-compassion kicks in. I get sad/depressed/anxious and end up in bed, my safe zone for decades when feeling these ways.. I don't take mass transit especially the subway because now that I walk with a cane, I feel like a potential assault victim with the increased crime and violence here in NYC. This is all based on self-protection and preservation, even from my own emotions and thoughts.! Over the past four years I have been attacked physically (with a line of illnesses), mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My mind and body are just protecting themselves!

 

[the10thleper319]

I just had a terrific session with my trauma therapist. I had a lot of panic with ordinary and desired activities this week so we dived right into IFS Internal Family Systems Therapy. It helped greatly as I undercover the source for the anxiety, understand it, and remedy it. I feel that much closer to healing!

Internal Family Systems Therapy
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to psychotherapy that identifies and addresses multiple sub-personalities or families within each person’s mental system. These sub-personalities consist of wounded parts and painful emotions such as anger and shame, and parts that try to control and protect the person from the pain of the wounded parts. The sub-personalities are often in conflict with each other and with one’s core Self, a concept that describes the confident, compassionate, whole person that is at the core of every individual.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy

I am suspecting the source behind the anxiety/panic/avoidance is self-torment. I've suffered from low self esteem for the first quarter of my life. I would see in the street a guy and girl holding hands and thinking that I didn't deserve this affection/love. Now it could be I don't deserve to enjoy cooking and eating lunch, or listening to a Christian gratitude tape.

 

[the10thleper319]

Boy, this I can relate to! I have never thought of it, that repressed emotion might lead to more intense rollercoastering. I hold back SO much. It’s become a way of life, and it’s a hard habit to break. Had a doozy of an emotional flashback this morning, and it took me way too long to call for help. I used to just stuff it, so I guess there’s improvement! Thank you for your insight.

I am sorry for the emotional rollercoaster. I hope you are doing better. Please keep me/us posted.

 

[the10thleper319]

Yes it can be so hard @the10thleper319 to feel it will be alright, or we will get through this. Let alone that it can be much better than we feared. Inches and minutes at a time.

Hugs to you.

Just checking in. How are you doing? Are you ok?