Rage

[Srain]

Wondering how you are doing and to let you know I actually had someone scream at me outside my house (these are rough times for everyone, sadly) and I said NADA, ZIP, NOTHING!! Yeah! :D. Oh I wanted to but I ran the scenario through my mind and got a look at him, realizing he wasn't angry at me, he was just blowing off steam. It was difficult not to let it go days later when he came to our door (fences DO make good neighbors but my husband insists on none) and was complaining about something or another and I refused to lay into him about screaming at me - I have a real issue about things like that, funny that, huh??

I have stayed mindful. Hope you are well :)

hugs,
Rain

 

[Kb3]

(((Hugs))) back to you Rain, and good on you for not letting "angry man" get to you! I know what you mean about it being hard times for a lot of people an trying to take that into account in situations like that too.
I've been doing marginally better w/my rage, thanks for asking. I did have two incidents on Wednesday that got to me (road rage and an encounter with a very disturbed woman in our town centre), but I notice that my reaction wasn't as intense in either situation by just a small amount. I was able to put some mindfulness to work and also think about possible consequences more, and in both cases pulled myself back from brink. Not a perfect performance by any means, but better than before.
I have also been lucky to have my husband around more and that centers me more than anything else. I don't feel so alone with things and he is a great support with my main stressors - the kids:confused:! I'd love to get this issue completely under control, but for now I'll accept my progress and keep working on it!

 

[OKRADLAK]

"Defend and not attack." I like that.

I used to blow up at people but I am so beat I do not feel that rage now. I walk away even if someone if looking straight at me and calling me a bitch. I just assume they are talking to the tree beside me. Change the interpretation even if it makes no sense. Works for me!

Now I still have meltdowns!! In public!! I get overwhelmed and must stop.

I have walked out of cars (asked to be let out), left full shopping carts, dropped classes, it took me ten years to get my freshman year our of the way. Is that persistence or stupidity????

Gone mute, said things I have no idea I said, like a zombie.

My brain just shuts off and that's it.

 

[Srain]

Progress :)

 

[Michel]

My ex-husband sadistically tortured me over many years, intentionally to change me from being someone very calm to being someone filled with rage. He would repeatedly torment me into rage, after having early on shocked and terrorized me into traumatic psychological responses to his behavior. My feelings of rage were so inconsistent with who I more generally was that I ended up fully compartmentalized - the person who was tortured and felt rage and the one who lived a "normal" life and was peaceful. I was either the person being tortured or I was not. This trapped me in the circumstances, because, when I was calm enough to handle the problem of his behavior, I had no conscious access to it. When he would torture me again, I could not stay calm and respond in a way that would get me out of there.

I've written before about my profoundly unethical 24/7 psychodrama-therapy. For the last three and a half years, my therapists have (with help from family, friends, colleagues ...) intentionally kept creating rage in me, in the same way - by repeatedly treating me with profound injustice and cruelty that there is no way I can escape. I am not permitted a single relationship in which I am treated with respect or compassion (my therapists just get the cooperation of anyone I might befriend and once I know they are part of my forced treatment, I cannot experience them as supporters of mine), so I cannot compartmentalize my anger. All very clever but it has been three and a half years since I have been permitted to be in an environment in which rage is not the most appropriate response. I suppose what they are forcing is the "integration" of a "split" personality.

Meanwhile - far too much is the pain continuously caused by the complete social isolation, the horror of never being able to enjoy another person, to relax, to talk things over with someone not involved, or even be peaceful alone. Not to mention that involving colleagues has meant I long ago left my job and I have been so completely impoverished that I am not free to give myself a break - go on a vacation, move to an area I enjoy, and so on...

Cruel, cruel, cruel. And endless.

 

[heidi]

One thing I've been trying to do is instead of seeing this thing as a monster like you said...I've been trying to think of it as a injured puppy dog who needs love and affection. Because really it is an injured part of us. Monsters are to be feared.. a worthy opponent. Puppies are to be loved. We need compassion and love for all parts of us including this rage part of us.
I come up with new techniques frequently and they are soon to be forgotten. And I don't mean that you should love rage. Just that compassion, love and understanding might help shrink rage. Because maybe that is what PTSD needs...love, understanding and compassion. And so maybe we can give that to ourselves if we can imagine (when it happens) this little injured puppy dog. Sorry if this is stupid. Like I said.. I just come up with these things that seem like they should help but kind of don't. Part of the problem is that PTSD is not a rational issues. Rational solutions work for rational problems. Might help someone though.

Or okay maybe that wouldn't help in a full blown rage. But maybe in your free time as an almost meditation exercise. Imagine this back yard alley dog. Scrawny, beat, dirty, wet. Hope you like dogs. But imagine stroking it and gently trying to get it to trust you. It will be a little fearful and tentative at first. Sweetly talk to it. Work out the matts in it's fur. You love this dog because it's you. You feel so much compassion for it. If you can feel compassion for it maybe it could help in the long run.

Well I'm not a therapist. Just a person who can't get through this myself. I'm going to try it though.

 

[Kb3]

Because maybe that is what PTSD needs...love, understanding and compassion..

Absolutely fantastic Heidi. I think that you have cut to the quick of the issue with all human suffering - and love is the answer. Thank you so much for writing:)

 

[blueangel371115]

As the song says, all you need is love. Most of us, it seems, were deprived of it at one time or another.

 

[James B.]

My father used to go into hysterical fits of rage, completely lose it and destroy the house. I was/am more afraid of Rage than directly effected by it myself. It terrifies me.

 

[elizabethnueve]

I had two angry outbursts today in public. After each episode happened, I felt so bad. Part of me felt justified, but mostly embarrassed. I was never this way before. I remember my mom would rage for a minimum of one hour any time she was angry about something. I always, always hated it. Now, I feel as if I have her junk, her personality inside and I hate it. I understand that it is hurt behind all anger, and I appreciate everything that all of you have written. Please pray for me.

 

[Srain]

Elizabethneueve, it can be fear as well behind it or pain.

I remember my mom would rage for a minimum of one hour any time she was angry about something. I always, always hated it. Now, I feel as if I have her junk, her personality inside and I hate it

You know, this struck a deep cord in me, possibly because it's my deepest fear to be like my mother and at various time I see shadows of her in myself. I am thinking just because you're seeing mimicked behaviour doesn't necessarily mean you embody that for life. You have something she does not, awareness.

Welcome to the site :)

peace,
Rain

 

[LizBeth1]

I went a little batshit on a Whole Foods cashier a couple of months ago because I was convinced he was not going to put a rubber band around my takeout food to keep it from opening up on the way home. Totally irrational! I was dealing with PTSD rage and also ovulating :) I feel pretty horrible about it now. So for the ladies, you might want to keep hormones in mind too, which just exaggerates all the other stuff -- I started taking magnesium along with my B vitamins, which helps the B6 to absorb better, and it's helped a ton with hormonal mood swings.

I know too well how the rage feeds on itself and feels totally justified, and how devastatingly embarrassing it can be afterwards. It's an energy that just wants to destroy. That same energy is fantastic for exercise, though - you can really turn it around into something productive that way, and diminish the grip it can have on you.

Also, a mantra that popped into my head not long after this incident was about trusting the best in people. The words that popped into my head were, "Expect to be accommodated!" I repeat this to myself over and over sometimes if I'm feeling a little unsteady while dealing with people. I think many of us have been subconsciously wired by trauma to expect people's intentions to be negative.

The other thing that has helped enormously is inner child work. I don't know if any of you do this, but it involves inviting split-off parts from your past to converse with you. This helps with integration. I have some 'angry teenager' energy that feels very wronged by my mom. A lot of rage about being emotionally neglected, invalidated, undermined, etc. So the work involves being able to hear what the parts are saying, and most importantly, acknowledging and validating their distress and their complaints. They just want to be heard. They're representing the parts of you that are suspended in time when the traumas occurred - they're still living it and don't realize what day/year it is. And then you can bring them up to the present. You can tell them things like "It's terrible that that happened to you. It was wrong. I totally get it. It feels awful to be treated like that over and over..." or just hang out and listen, and be there, and hold a space - you can do it on a felt sense level with no words and just 'feel the feelings' moving and changing around your body. And then you can bring them up to the present - you can have them look around, feel the floor, get a sense of where they actually are, and have them 'look out through your eyes' and you can tell them what year it is. It doesn't sound like it could be powerful, but it really can be. It's kind of working on the level of the unconscious, like dream work or hypnosis.

I still have anger, but I feel slightly more in control than I used to and keep up the inner dialogue :)