Dear world, i can't play today

[maddog]

I know that what I am about to write isn't rocket science. It's not even remarkable, unusual or new to me, and so I should just leave well enough alone.

But I can't...

I can't do life at the moment. I left work last Wednesday afternoon just as I do every day - exhausted, anxious about the night ahead, just as I am every night, and accepting without conscious thought that I'd be back to do it all again tomorrow, just because that's what I do.

And then something happened to me on Wednesday night. I don't know what, or when, I never do. But I couldn't go to work on Thursday, just literally couldn't get myself out the door, and the panic and terror and dread and shame and humiliation swelled and boiled in me like some sort of rampant disease the more I tried to rationalize and force myself.

Ditto Friday. Ditto all weekend. I promised my boss on Saturday that I'd be back today, and I made that promise partly as an insurance policy against my own unpredictable and irrational mood state. Normally, to make such a statement to someone whose opinion of me is exaggeratedly important is usually a guarantee that I'll follow through.

But this morning... this morning I just couldn't. Have stressed myself physically sick and shivering with fear of nothing, to the point at which I can barely even type.

Why do I do this... what is wrong with me!!

I know it's the ultimate hopeless paradox - the more isolated and alone I feel, the more I obsessively isolate and alienate myself from the world. The more I know Ineed to bring myself back to normal routine and society to stabilize my crazy thoughts and feelings, the less I can do it. The moment I break my normally rigidly unbreakable routine, I fall and fall and fall and feel as though I will never find my way back. I have 2 and a halfyears of accumulated holiday leave and am being bullied by our HR department to take it, but as exhausted and burned out as I feel, I simply cannot bear the prospect of leave, because somehow, without that rigid unyielding routine, my entire universe falls apart. I can't even manage a day off without going to pieces. The weekends terrify me, even as I yearn for rest and respite from the pressure. It's not that I always, or even often, want to be at work thesedays, the pressure of it all feels intolerable more and more as time passes. And yet. To not be there...

Feel so weak and scared right now, so ashamed, such a failure. I just want to be ok, as ok as I can be, and I can't.

Feel as though the past is more real than the present right now, flashbacks, memories, intrusive thoughts and feelings cramming into my head so that it feels like it could explode. I know that the solution for me is calm, familiar routine activity and safe social contact, but they are all of the things I just can't reach out for right now. I'm destroying myself, and I'm watching it happen.

Sorry for this indulgence and for wasting space here with an issue that is mine alone to conquer. I just wish I could believe it will ever be ok.

Maddog

<Edited by Cherryblossom - please use the default font in posts to make it easier to read - thanks.>

 

[doglover]

This isn't wasting space to me. I admire you for being so open with what you're dealing with.

Thank you for letting me witness you struggle with such a difficult moment in your journey.

Have you been able to discuss this change with your T? I'm concerned for you, concerned that your inner wounded child is demanding to be heard. And if we are used to pushing forward and being busy and then the inner child gets a chance to be heard, my my, she can get us out of sorts. Or rather she's very good at getting us to pay attention. What is she saying right now?

Please reach out to someone who can keep you somewhat connected to the here and now. I mean, please consider reaching out without anonymity. ;)

I'm sorry you're hurting. Big big HUGS to you, Maddog

 

[The Albatross]

Hardly need to apologize, you are neither posting an indulgence or wasting space. At my worst I actively isolated in my home for a year and a half. I understand what you mean by the ultimate paradox. I still tend to prefer isolation but do challenges with myself.

Maddog, my week schedule has two half a days I can choose to be quiet and stay in at home... but when that time is up or if I pass it up because I didn't "think" I needed it, I tell myself... "Tough noogies, buck up... the next quiet time is xyz, not before. If you want to be quiet, fine but you're waiting til then." Sometimes I cry on the way to work, sometimes I stress really badly, sometimes I can't make eye contact or I don't speak to people unless absolutely necessary. BUT I get my ass out there and do what my commitment is til my next "quite time" or in home time. It took a lot for me to get the habit to be a new behavior. It is better for me to be a blubbering mess than unemployed.

The thing is, you aren't enjoying your quiet time, you're more fearful as you stay at home... so get out of there, even if it's not going to work, and go do something. Get someone to go with you.. and then make it a conscious thought that you will go to work. Do it. Practice if you want to and drive yourself to the parking lot tonight after hours. Don't choose your fear over your job. Don't do it. When you fall off the horse you got to get back on. Was it the stress of HR pressuring you to take a vacation and use some of your accrued time that set this off?

 

[cherryblossom]

Perhaps you should take some of your holiday leave. Maybe not a whole block, if you are concerned about social isolation, perhaps you could take a day or two off each week. Maybe have a few long weekends away from work. It sounds like you need to re-charge your batteries.We all need a break from work from time to time.

Plan some sort of routine for days off. Try to plan a few things that you might enjoy. Try to fit in some exercise and healthy eating. Or watch a movie, meet a friend for coffee, do some gardening, painting or writing. I don't know, what might help you, but you certainly sound a bit 'stuck in a rut' right now. Try to have a think about what might help you.

I think you need to make some changes, even if just for a short time. You are certainly not a failure. Maybe just need to have a bit of a re-think as to ways to move forward from here.

 

[The Albatross]

OOOhhh, good idea Cherryblossom. Once I had to take 11 days almost 20 years ago with a company... and I negotiated every Wednesday off... eleven in a row. It was heaven... Two on - one off - two on - two off. But for me the job was stressful so I enjoyed Wednesdays while they lasted.

 

[maddog]

Thanks so much everyone, for understanding, for being there, for... all of it.

DogLover, you asked about my wounded inner child? Yes, she's here, wrestling me for the keyboard this very second, clinging onto me wherever I go, crying for attention like the frightened little creature she is... I know I'm being a bit silly there, but honestly, that's how it feels. We've been encouraging her actively to come forth and speak lately, so it's absolutely no surprise that she's inhibiting the unfeeling, process-driven, machine self of mine right now. She's disclosed some horrible past hurts lately, and she's still crying for validation of them I think, partly because my T is on holidays right now (God, I hate that *so* much) and mostly because I can't imagine how she can ever get enough validation and support and caring and "out in the open" time to soothe all of those hurts.

Speaking of my T, as I said, he's on holidays, but said he would actually try to give me a quick call today. I should add, because it makesme feel kind of uncomfortable not to (again, probably just my paranoia) that it might seem like an odd kind of boundary violation for him to phone me while he's on leave, but we have a farily unique situation. He is employed by my workplace and is semi on call all the time. He self-manages his workload quite significantly and does bits and pieces of work even while he's on leave, so it's not actually unusual for him to make contact with people while he's away. Having said that, he is under absolutely no obligation to and I am definitely what could be considered as high maintenance thesedays, so it humbles me into paralysed guilty gratitude all the time to know that he is prepared to go the extra mile for me.

And am I ever glad that's the case... he is part of the reason I feel so crippled with guiltand shame about being here today, because when we last spoke on Thursday, the first day of my isolation, he asked for a statement from me that I would go to work tomorrow (Friday) and I gave it. I try to believe rationally it will be ok and that he won't judge me or be disappointed in me the way my crazy mind has decided he will be. I know it shouldn't matter, but... it does. I don't know what I'm going to say to him, and in some ways this fleeting brief holiday contact is harder than none at all, because we can only ever speak briefly and none of what I need to discuss can be discussed briefly right now. That child of mine won't allow it.

The issue with HR and my leave has been on the table for months now, so hasn't triggered this current problem. I'd actually made a commitment (and even officially documented it with my boss's approval to get HR off my back) that I would do as you all suggest and take a day off every fortnight. But God, somehow even that hasn't been ok... so many of my little tumbles off the horse were coinciding with those routine days off that I started to fear them, and to avoid them, and suddenly... I haven't taken one in ages now.

I know I'm self destructing. I know it's my own fault. I know the solution seems obvious - balance work with some scheduled down time with prearranged things to do to keep busy. I know that's what I should do. But the logistics of that aren't easy either.

I don't drive and rely entirely on public transport or walking to get anywhere. At the moment public transport is triggering me horribly, which is part of what is making the work routine so stressful. I have a long commute each way every day and sometimes it is that part of the routine that becomes intolerable.

All of my friends are at work right now and I don't have any real social contacts outside of work.

I know I need to somehow overcome these problems myself. I know that nobody else can do it for me. I'm just so scared, so lost, so alone, so tired... and I want to cry and cry, but I can't.

Oh, and I'm sorry about the weird font thing on my previous message - I have no idea how that happened and hadn't even realised it had. I use a screenreader and am finding the site a little tricky to figure out for now, so sorry, hopefully I can get it all sorted soon.

Maddog

 

[doglover]

Dear maddog - the stuff about your T and boundaries... my gosh, how hard you must work to color inside the lines. I can understand if that leads to exhaustion. You don't owe me, or anyone else here, an explanation. You sound like a good person to me - regardless of what you may have been told to the contrary.

Believe it or not, I find exhaustion helps us heal. Harder to use our usual defenses when we're exhausted, so there's a tenderness that comes through in us.

Therapists have all sorts of ways they respond to their role. Some are available by email between sessions, some call to check in when they aren't officially at work. It is at their own discretion, and provided there isn't a dual relationship (like sleeping with clients) I don't think there is a professional standard against it. Anyway, I do have some insider info on that so I just wanted to help address what you called paranoia - it doesn't even sound like the possibility of behaving badly to me.

I'm pleased that you are so willing to accept if your T calls while away. I'd have SO much trouble with that, with feeling like a burden and being hyperaware of others' needs moreso than my own.

Sometimes PTSD leads to broken promises. There doesn't have to be shame in that... but I also understand how easy it is to take it on so I'm NOT shaming you for shaming yourself. (Ha, kind of ironic... if you might be able to grab a quick chuckle at that...)

So you went back on your comments that you'd be at work on a certain day. So what. Really, a hundred years from now, who is going to care. Besides, the state you were in when you made that promise might be different from the state you're in now.

I think I understand how a big block of free time could be such a stressor. All that unstructured space to be alone with your thoughts. I'm thinking if you could unravel the fear around that, put a name to it, find some way to reassure yourself, it might relieve some of that stress.

You will get through this. Please keep us posted as you weather this storm. Much love to you, deep down to your core, bypassing all the obstacles that say you don't deserve it. Because by golly, you do.

 

[maddog]

Thank you so much DogLover, your empathy and validation struck right down deep, just as you'd anticipated. Thanks in particular for the T reassurance. For some reason, it meant a lot to have someone else affirm that things are ok here. I am very sensitive about this, largely because the extent of my own reliance on this person to keep my compass calibrated right now is something that terrifies me beyond all reason.

And we do have an odd, and sometimes very difficult, arrangement to manage. We are almost colleagues, and while somehow I think we both manage to keep our respective roles very compartmentalized (I knew that trait would have hidden benefits!), it certainly does add to my insecurities at times. He wouldn't normally take on a long term client from within the workplace, but would normally refer people externally after a period of time. For some reason, he never did this with me. Perhaps he felt he was in a position to offer something to my situation. Perhaps the fact that issues within my workplace were, at least for a while, inextricably linked to other unwravelling traumas, justified his staying involved. I know my senior managers are glad he did... I think they'd be too scared to deal with me otherwise.

I was given a mild belting on another forum for what was allegedly a "somewhat unprofessional and unhelpful therapeutic relationship" and I took it very, very hard, most likely because of my extreme insecurities around this issue to begin with.

As I said above, I don't do relationships. I mean, I don't even really know what they are, what they should look like or whose role should be what. Having never been even remotely close to anyone, I feel like a 3 year old from mars trying to exist in a world of adult interpersonal complexities. And yet here suddenly is someone I have even confessed to trusting, and that almost repulses me with fear sometimes and makes me want to run a thousand miles away, except that I can't.

Yes, I no doubt epitomize the sort of client who could easily fall victim to abuse of power in a therapy relationship, as I’m not sure that I'd see it coming or recognize it if it did. It's why I am so enormously privileged to work with someone who does indeed go many extra miles, and yet does so with a professionalism and set of boundaries that are absolutely beyond dispute. Truly, wherever the line is, I know intuitively that he's never crossed it and that his behaviour in turn ensures that I don't either. It's a very vulnerable, painful kind of comfort to know that, especially now as we begin to let my inner child loose and everything I thought I knew about my feelings and emotions and subjective experiences becomes shattered into millions of little pieces.

And accepting his good will towards me in calling while on leave isn't something I deal well with at all, and that's an understatement. Sadly, it tends to trigger enormous plunges into the depths of self hatred and negativity and I have long since lost count of the number of times we have wrestled through the same old discussion about whether or not I am worth the effort, am letting everyone down, am not worthy of anyone's time etc. And just when I think that maybe I can find a little extra security and perspective and can respect myself and my right to help even just a tiny bit, something insignificant will come along to tip me over again, and I find myself almost unable to answer the calls that he makes, and almost longing for the sense of isolation and abandonment that feel so much more deserved and appropriate than any show of kindness from anyone.

Maddog

 

[doglover]

Perhaps he is concerned about how the disruption of outside referral could set you back. If "attachment" is a touchy issue for you then there's an argument for creating stability in your relationships where possible.

It's funny, but I can relate to your analysis of the therapeutic relationship. I discovered upon assessment to initiate therapy that they want me to work with the head of the clinic, rather than one of the team members who are under that person. I was super triggered by that, like oh am I so "damaged" that no "regular level" therapist will do? Etc. But I think there are some... details about my situation, that make this an appropriate decision, if said person can be available. There's a time management issue there for both of us, but I'm hoping for the best.

Again, you don't have to justify your therapy relationship. You're doing what seems to work best for you, and that's what matters.

You sound like you might be feeling a little better now. Is that accurate? I hope so. :):tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Sadly, it tends to trigger enormous plunges into the depths of self hatred and negativity and I have long since lost count of the number of times we have wrestled through the same old discussion about whether or not I am worth the effort, am letting everyone down, am not worthy of anyone's time etc. And just when I think that maybe I can find a little extra security and perspective and can respect myself and my right to help even just a tiny bit, something insignificant will come along to tip me over again, and I find myself almost unable to answer the calls that he makes, and almost longing for the sense of isolation and abandonment that feel so much more deserved and appropriate than any show of kindness from anyone. [/quote]



Dear maddog, I suspect that's common for many of 'us' to feel, or to experience - irregardless of whether it's 'therapy' or 'life'.

I believe it must be meant to be, however, for you, and I wish you much peace and healing.
xox

 

[maddog]

Thanks Junebug, and you're right, therapy is really just a micro version of life isn't it, in terms of the interpretation and application of relationships and experiences, and there's no doubt that I grapple with the exact same insecurities about my right to kindness and support in life as I do in therapy.

And thanks again DogLover, you're right, feeling a little less frantic these past couple of hours. That's given way to the aching dread and depression that seem to inevitably follow. How am I going to make it to work tomorrow? How am I going to make it out this afternoon to take my girl for a much-needed walk? What if I have a horrible encounter with some member of the public and I can't handle it? What if what if what if?

Very good at catastrophising, as much as I know I mustn't.

Just spoke to T by the way, always very, very grounding for me. Why do the things i know to be true always seem that much more valid when he says them...

And I told him I'd go to work tomorrow, again. He reminded me unnecessarily that me left to my own devices is a bad thing... that's kind of our little motto for times like this. It felt good to tell him about my freke out on the train last week when the whole rail network went down andI spent 4 hours trying to get home... the shame of confessing that such a mundane, if irritating, feature of commuter life sent me into a terrified ball of seclusion was very intense, but it felt good to share that, it always does.

Importantly, he also reminded me of the inevitability of my feeling the way I do right now, given where we're at in this "journey", or whatever you call it. I can't really internalise his reassurance, I do try, yet the angry punitive part of myself is fully engaged today and won't hear a bar of it. But somehow I need to hear him say it anyway. Not sure why, or how that works, only that knowing that someone else isn't as angry or disappointed in me as I am does make the tiniest difference, this second anyway.

Maddog

 

[Addy]

Maddog,

Sorry it's been a rough go for you... I don't have a lot of enthusiasm or support to offer tonight, as I've been struggling myself, but when I saw that you were having a tough time, I wanted to say I hope things improve for you. You've been supportive of me, and I want extend a show of compassion back to you. Be good to yourself!

--Addy