Dear world, i can't play today

[maddog]

Thanks so much Addy, this meant a lot, especially as I know it can be really hard to find the energy for others when you are struggling so much yourself. Know that you have given me a smile of connection today, one which I am sending right back to you.

Take good care mate.
MD

 

[intothelight]

But God, somehow even that hasn't been ok... so many of my little tumbles off the horse were coinciding with those routine days off that I started to fear them, and to avoid them, and suddenly... I haven't taken one in ages now.

I know I'm self destructing. I know it's my own fault. I know the solution seems obvious - balance work with some scheduled down time with prearranged things to do to keep busy. I know that's what I should do. But the logistics of that aren't easy either.

Maddog, I could have written that about myself. I didn't know how not to be busy, as being busy was the best way I could keep the pain away. There was a huge sense of safety and security in the routine of work, activities and other commitments as these things had rules, times, codes of conduct and provided stability. I knew what to expect, when in other areas of my life chaos reigned. At least in other areas of my life I had some control, and that control was what kept me feeling safe.

The problem is, eventually you can no longer just go, go, go. And then, when you learn to depend on one area too much, and something happens that shakes that illusion of control and security, the results can be disastrous. It is hard to go from a "human doing" to a "human being". Sometimes I think the human being part is just accepting ourselves as we are and being comfortable in our own skins. But that seems to be one of the hardest parts of PTSD, just learning to be.

There is nothing wrong with have prearranged things to keep busy. Just make sure they are things that you want to do. Things that are reflective of who you are and not something that you are doing to fulfill someone else's expectations. Start with one, because that is all anyone can do is just take that first step. It sounds so counter-intuitive, especially when one feels no self-worth to do something for self, but it does make a difference over time.

 

[maddog]

Thanks Intothelight, for undeniably true words of wisdom. Why is it that I can't even figure out what "doing something for me" even is... what is it that I enjoy? What do I want to do? What does it even mean to find and do something like that? Feel so lost and stupid and unaware of my own self that I start to shrivel in humiliated discomfort whenever I am asked that so simple and logical question.

Can't make this week get any better. So broken, so dysfunctional, have dragged myself to work the past 2 days and been nothing short of useless. Numb, agitated, argumentative, spaced out, horrible urges to just destroy myself in every internal and external way possible.
My colleagues are tiptoing around me... i know it's bad when it's that obvious that the "handle with care" personas come out. Makesme want to hate them, but really just to hate myself.

Saw the psychiatrist again last night and he wanted to talk about shame... yeah, great, thanks, just what I couldn't handle. Think he knew I was falling over fast, because suddenly he was telling me we'd come back to that and was telling me funny stories about deregistered psychiatrists he knows. All seemed so surreal. He said he thinks I'm internalising ongoing fear of my father coming after me. Well, thanks... that's helpful too. Walked out of there wanting to die.

But why am I even talking about that. It's a work day today, have been sitting here for most of the night and now watching the hours tick by until I have to leave again. Maybe I won't go... anywhere, I don't know.

MD

 

[intothelight]

(((Maddog))),

Actually, the questions you are asking are extremely difficult and don't come right away. I am just going to toss out some of the things that I did. I hope they help, and they may be a starting point. Sometimes I had the hardest time just with getting started.

1. Music-going to a free concert in a park, buying a CD for myself and just allowing myself the time to listen to it uninterrupted (Play an instrument is you know how)
2. Activity-going for a walk (for no purpose, just to walk and enjoy the outdoors). I also added bike riding and swimming. (I don't sew, knit or crochet, but I have seen other people list this)
3. Discovery-Tried a new restaurant, tried a new recipe, tried a new type of wine, read a book by a new author, sample a different type of music, went to a museum, went to an historical site.
4. Self care-took a bubble bath, bought and used new lotion, get a pedicure/manicure, bought flowers, planted flowers, got a candle in a scent I like, watched an old movie I liked, read a book I loved.
5. Service-Went to a shelter and helped serve meals, read to children in the shelter, read to people in the nursing home, walked dogs at the humane society (Sounds odd, but sometimes it is in helping others that I find a sense of purpose and fulfillment. This really helped when I was feeling a lot of self hatred.)

Hope you find something useful here.
Debbie

 

[maddog]

No Debbie, doing something to help others doesn't sound at all odd, it's about the only thing I hang onto sometimes, and I hang onto it almost frantically. The more desperate and disgusted I feel about myself, the further out of my way I go to try to help others.

These are all really good, practical strategies and activities that all make sense. I certainly do the exercise thing, again, in the past I've tended towards obsessive exercise, which of course is as unhealthy as drowning yourself in any compulsive activity. Thesedays I don't have the physical energy or determination to do that anymore, which I tend to sadly use to beat myself up sometimes, but which is also probably a good thing if it means one of my damaging old obsessions isn't available anymore. But I do have a young, active dog who demands lots of energy and attention, and tending to her needs for exercise and stimulation and nurturing are sometimes the only things I am able to motivate myself to do.

Thanks for reminding me I need to pay more attention to these basics, it's so easy to forget somehow, but it's so important not to.

MD