How Do Others Piece Together The Jigsaw Of Trauma?

[ms spock]

As for your son - people generally find a way to survive when they are booted out the door. It is a big boundary for a mother to cross, but maybe one that needs to happen. If he is toxic, you need to filter him from your life. If he is a narcissistic person - you will not be able to change him. Unless he has one of your other children or a dear pet captive at gunpoint - it may be time for him to grow up all by his lonesome. You might have been his safety net - but he is not yours.

This biggest gift you might be able to give him is a clear line where his behaviour is unacceptable. Off he goes.

I am a student. I have no money. But I survive.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Your daughter must be a truly wonderful child.

I am so glad you have one reasonable, caring and loving person in your life.
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[ms spock]

The holiday has added another jigsaw piece to the puzzle. It gave me a glimpse of what it feels like to be emotionally well and safe, new experiences for me.

What great insights and experiences to have had. I am pleased for you.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Accepting help from others - even our loved ones - is very difficult - especially if avoidance is a primary coping skill for your PTSD.

I hear you! I hear you loud and clear. I realise now that avoidance is a primary coping skill for my PTSD.
Thank you for the insight.
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[ms spock]

Good for you purple butterfly. Yes. Those moments of ACTUAL experiences of what it is like to be free from all of the complex emotional/physiological/chemical constraints that swish around most of the time is so nice.

It is awesome stuff!
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[ms spock]

I am re-entering the dating scene. This is pretty interesting, considering all the work I've done over the last couple of years in setting boundaries with people. It's not going too well, and I may have to break it off with her. .

You are very brave and clever too to assess the situation.

 

[ms spock]

6 years ago, the idea of breaking up with someone who wasn't meeting my expectations would have scared the hell out of me, and I would have had an overwhelming sense of something to lose,... But It's amazing that I have so much more energy dedicated to what my expectations and needs are in the present and that this actually seems like a good healthy option. It's nice to not be as bogged by a perceived need of constant reassurance and people to emotionally lean on.

Impressive and great that you are taking so much good care of yourself.

You are free of the perceived need of constant reassurance and people to emotionally lean on. Wow that is amazing - to get there sometimes would be good enough for me.
ms spock

 

[Girl3]

Narcissists are not ego dystonic (meaning they like how they are). Other disorders are ego dystonic - OCDs don't like their obsessions or compulsions, Borderlines feel desperate, and empty for instance. So Narcissists rarely go the doctor to be diagnosed because they "don't have a problem and see no reason to seek help or to change." If they do go as part of a couple for therapy, the narcissists usually drop out because all change has to come from the other person - which isn't why you go to couples therapy.

Until a narcissist has an internal desire to change, it is better just to leave them to their own devices.

 

[maddog]

This post reminds me of a chapter of a really great schema therapy book I read last year, called "Life Traps" by Geoffry Young, which concluded in the chapter on narcicists that there really wasn't much point in wasting energy on writing too much self-help for this group, as they were unlikely to ever want to read it... definitely a challenging intervention predicament.

MD

 

[purple butterfly]

I find it very difficult to accept that one of my son's has narcisstic tendencies, which I know he has . This son shares the same T as me which is interesting and helpful. He has diagnosed my son with asperger's syndrome. has also diagnosed my deceased husband with asperger's syndrome via discusssion. I am aware of the inaccuracies in such a diagnosis, but if nothing else it highlights certain behavioural tendenceis. My husband's family has a history of alcohol intolerance. Another son also is alcohol intolerant, and no longer drinks but is compassionate.

Tonight my first mentioned son came home, he was agitated about a teacing placement. His behaviour confirmed for me that he is not safe, it is a hard call as a mother .His behaviour does not make me feel safe. As I said before I will put a lock on my door. Later tonight he said he was sorry for another out burst of behaviour! It is like saying sorry makes it all ok .When I said it frightens me,his demeanour showedI I was supposed to say it was all ok, This is probably my fault, i used to say I love you unconditioinally.

Because all my boundaries have been violated I don't know how to make boundaries!
It seems like an endless cycle: my father, my deceased husband and one son.

 

[Girl3]

Young's book is a good book. He is a PhD who studied traditional psychology, but felt (as many psychiatrists do also) that there are limitations to the DSM system due to overlapping symptoms. The schema approach to therapy attacks those thought processes which are amenable to cognitive change (sort of, if you can be aware of/ think about it you can do something about it.) The limitations of schema therapy is that not every thought or autonomic action is readily amenable to cognitive change. Because it is based on cognitive therapy, schema therapy will seem very familiar to anyone who has studied psychology. Schema therapy also requires a close, trusting relationship with the therapist - and it can be slow going, lots of homework, triggering as you go through trauma.

Regardless of the source however, narcissists in the literature remain one of those therapeutic rarities because they don't come in for help. They are addicted to themselves - so sometimes interventions don't even work.

 

[Abelabelabel]

This pretty much sums up how I feel about setting boundaries:

In my experience taking a stand for yourself tends to suck for a good long while before you settle and get comfortable in your skin. And about 50% of that comes from not having a support group to make you feel okay in your own skin when you start. The other 50% is realizing that being cool with who you are comes down to a choice you practice. Which half you get over first is a lot like the chicken and egg question. Doesn't really matter.