Does Anyone Ever Feel Like They Are Just A Source And Not A Person?

[just me here]

It seems to me that unless I satisfy a need for someone, I get nothing coming my way in the relationship.

My wife thinks I am here to do the hard stuff and pay the bills (just fill the wood box, light the fire then go away please). She doesn't get it that although she works, I earn 3 to 1 what she does and only because of that can she keep the low paying job she has and still drive the vehicle and live in the house she does. No way she could even make the payments, let alone maintain or insure any of this.

Kids get a free ride on car insurance, health insurance, car maintenance and the use of our house for laundry and free food, any time they want it. The youngest is 7 years older than I was when I got my last bits of support from my own father, the oldest is working on his 11th year of support beyond what I got.

I throw weddings, spend generously at Christmas and birthdays, tolerate their friends and in laws, everything I am supposed to do as a father. But I get no joy from it.

If I am unhappy all the time and the only reason I do anything is for my family but my family gives me no joy anymore, what keeps me from spiraling to a place where I will feel un missed in any way but monetarily?

I always thought that as long as I kept my mind clear and objectively looked at suicide, all the drawbacks and suffering vs. the selfishness of just being done, I would never do it.

Now I am afraid to think about it because I am just tired of giving and giving and giving to these people and getting no joy from it. If I am just a paycheck, they can find a way to replace it. Social security and my retirement fund and maybe even my life insurance will more than replace me. There are lots of guys out there trying to make a living doing odd jobs, splitting wood and fixing cars and cleaning the clogged drains, I could be replaced by just dialing a few numbers and writing a check.

No more thanks dad, I love you. No more I did something nice for you today. No more thanks for fixing the car, can I buy dinner tonight?

I wake up in the morning, grab a towel and washcloth and shower for work, and come home to a house that's empty and alone and I often have no idea if I should wait for someone else to come home and make dinner or just turn around and go fend for myself at Burger King. I go to bed early so I can sleep enough to get up in the morning and grab another towel.

I had 5 days off at thanksgiving, but it was a stress fest from a medical situation (mine) and the lack of support while I dealt with it alone until I could get to my doctor on the following Monday.

Christmas was also a nice long weekend but my daughters boyfriend made an ass of himself here and pretty much stressed us all out, not just me.

The following weekend was new years and again, I wasn't even home from work yet and I was hit with some devastating news, caused by some bad choices made by my daughter and probably brought about by her jerk boyfriend.

today I woke up, cleaned the clogged drain, filled the wood box and lit the fire, and then got the text that said daughter has a car problem and I am her first call. Fine I will wait around till she gets here, and try to fix it on my Saturday night so she can drive it to work tomorrow.

But it is expected of me and I will get no pleasure or sense of meeting my obligations or any thanks or even an offer of payment for the parts, whatever they are. Just fix it and keep the insurance up to date. I maintain and insure 6 vehicles, give up day after day of my time, and suffer all the stresses they lay on me.

this morning I looked in the mirror and I see myself as a tired man, ready to be done with all of this. I can be replaced by a checking account, I am tired of being a checking account. I am starting to think in terms of "when" not "if", I see the end in my eyes, I feel it in my bones. They don't need me anymore, and I don't have anything left for myself.

Whats going to stop me if it isn't my family? how many more days do I get up and grab another towel and go earn some more money for the people that just don't care?

 

[Barberian]

Believe me, I can sympithise with you (almost wrote I know how u feel). Simple suggestion: Shut off your cell phone. Get everybody together. Sit them down infront of the computer. Tell them to remain silent untill after you have left the house. Bring up this web page. Walk out the door and drive away for the rest of the day. This will give them time to read this post, let it sink in, and hopefully have a discussion amongst themselves. Either it will drive a wedge between you, which meens there was no love, no loss, or the problem will hopefully get better.

 

[just me here]

Barberian, thanks. But there isn't any way that they don't understand this already. If there is going to be an end it is going to be because I end it. Why would they change behavior when there is no gain in doing so? They get their bills paid, they get their cars kept on the road and I just get up tomorrow and grab another towel on my way to the shower. Believe me , they know how I feel about it, they know I am circling the drain, they know I am an angry man with serious health and mental issues (PTSD, right?) and yet they feel that heaping the demands on and never showing any concerns about the ill effects it is having on me is just the way things go.

And I just get up and grab another towel in the morning.

 

[heidi]

I think dads can be taken for granted. My dad picked me up from the side of countless roads when my car was broken down and I wonder now if I showed appropriate gratitude. If I didn't I almost want to die.

One thing I would say though.. is that is there anyway you can try to reach out and spend more time with members of your family individually? Perhaps they feel the disconnect too and either feel resigned to it or aren't sure how to bridge it.

PTSD by nature can cause people to close off emotionally. So maybe showing more of yourself could help?

 

[Hashi]

I hear what you're saying about getting up and grabbing another towel, day after day. For me, it's the end of the day and the going to bed things but the pointlessness and repetition seems to highlight more and more the lack of meaning or joy in the days inbetween.

I'm sorry if your family are treating you as a combination of handyman and cash machine. It sounds like you're showing them a lot more consideration than they are for you. Having said that, I think you would be missed. You're doing a lot to validate them and improve the quality of their lives, and they may not realise or appreciate that now but they would if they no longer had that. My experience is that people who take our help and support the most for granted are often those who are very vulnerable in some way in themselves.

Reading your post reminded me of a friend of mine who was on holiday with a group of friends who just assumed he would organise and take care of everything as they went along (as he did in the friendships in general too). Fed up with it, he deliberately didn't take all their return plane tickets when they left to fly home. He left them where they were, and where any of the others could have picked them up but didn't. When they all got to the airport they had no tickets and couldn't board so the flight left without them. I was impressed when I heard this, but I think I'd have been more impressed if he'd taken his own ticket and got the flight without them.

Is there anything you can do for yourself in the time outside work, put your own interests first before all these demands on you? Is there anything you'd like to buy for yourself instead of handing over the money to someone else? If so, I wonder if you could announce this and then stick to it. I understand that when feeling low there's often little of interest, but even just taking time for yourself, resting, going for a walk, watching TV that you want to watch, putting the money into a savings account for yourself - things like that can make a difference.

I sympathise with you for feeling that the relationships are maintained through this one sided input from you. When I asked the only family member I'm close to for support and was refused, although she still expected a lot from me, it was a horrible feeling. There is no meaning for me to find in that relationship, and I have to try to find it elsewhere. If your family no longer give you a sense of purpose or validation, I hope you can find that somewhere else.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

We teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them.

 

[just me here]

We teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them.

Thats pretty close to what I have always said: Accepting unwanted behavior guarantees more of it will be coming.

But I don't accept it quietly, I just protest in an unconvincing manner I guess. I can't really blame them, I am the guy with the towel and washcloth walking towards the shower every morning.

My T says take the time to establish a firm and well stated boundary and be prepared to WITHDRAW when someone crosses it. The pattern has been: 1) cross border. 2) receive wrath of dad. 3) watch as nothing changes.

New approach: 1) cross border. 2) watch as Dad goes to a ball game or fishing for the weekend. 3) Wonder if things will return to normal.

Hope it works, I need some time alone anyway so I win no matter what.

 

[IvyMillie]

I sure feel bad for you, that sounds just awful. I'm so sorry you are going through that. You seem like you are such a nice person that you do so much for your family and they don't appreciate it. It's awful to feel like a meal ticket like you aren't worth while as a person.

I think that it is hard with family because we want so much to have them love and appreciate us. However, in this day and age that is no always possible. Young people tend to be the entitled generation and that is an attitude that is hard to change.

I'm afraid if you wait for them to show you the appreciation you need, it may be a long wait. This is as you said they know already. The only thing I can think of to do in your situation and it may not be practical is to find things that YOU enjoy and go ahead and do them. I'm not sure what it could be golf? reading? some hobby? Find your passion in something to get your joy back.

This doesn't have to be super time consuming. Just get your mind on something that you could get excited about. I'm writing a silly story, and only have about an hour a week I spend on it. It makes me happy to think about, it's not monumental. I like music and that helps me alot when I'm sad and hurt.

I know with your schedule that may be hard, but you've got to start smelling the roses somewhere so life just doesn't appear to be a bunch of thorns. I don't mean to be selfish, but rediscover something in yourself that you can appreciate. You may have gotten lost in the sea of pleasing others and you are now drowning in that.

If others aren't going to support you you may have to dig deep and start liking yourself again. I think you must be a very capable person. Maybe take a minute to tell yourself that.

Many of us have suffered from the disappointment of others. Sadly we can't make people treat us a certain way. We just have to forge our own path and down that road if they chose to be there for us then great, but if not we are moving forward on our own.

I hope this didn't sound like empty platitudes. You are definetely in a difficult place. I think feeling unappreciated is one of the most painful things, especially when you work so hard at a job you may not like.

As others have mentioned you may have to tailor back on helping your family so much. How about asking them to help a bit? You may think that you aren't being so great. However, they probably need to help you more and that will teach them more in the long run of life. You definetely don't want to get resentful and bitter and maybe just a little cooperation and help will go a long way to making you feel more appreciated. I always wanted to help my dad work on cars and he wouldn't let me. I had to learn on my own, it could have been a great sharing experience for me. So maybe it could be a good bonding time.

I hope the best for you. I'm sure there is no quick fix. Don't give up. Keep trying different things to see what will help you feel happier. By the way I loved your description of your working life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's time for you to put YOU first. You most definitely deserve it. Go to that ball game. If a kids car breaks down, say "I'm sorry, I can't help you because I'm busy right now. Please call someone else for help." If your children don't appreciate having their health insurance, car insurance, etc paid for, tell them that you are no longer willing to pay for it. Tell your kids that they have to ASK before coming to your house. Change the locks if you have to. But be prepared for the anger, as your kids aren't going to take the change well. Yeah, it may seem like tough love, but really it's about you and your boundaries; the need for respect for both.

 

[Wilson]

I cant stress enough to communicate your feelings with your family even though there is no way they dont know how you feel.Im glad to hear that you are no longer considering ending things... please keep reaching for the towel. There are not too many men that are as responsible and loving as you in this world. If you were gone that would be one less example of a great man for the world to follow. There would be people who would be devastated and heart broken if you were no longer a part of there lives. Though your family may not be grateful there is a Man in heaven whom you make very proud and is thankful of you and your character. "It is better to give than to receive" but have no doubt that YOU will receive! Be strong and have patience...things will change brother.

 

[maddog]

We teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them.

Gosh, this is one of the truest statements I have seen in a while. So sad, yet so, so absolutely accurate.

It seems rather unfair, almost as though it implies that we are to blame for the negative treatment we receive from others, and yet the cold stark reality of the situation is that in some way, we are.

Accept the belittling and abuse and criticism and condemnation and denial of our basic rights, and nothing will change. Continue to believe that we deserve no better, and we will continue to accept, and others will continue to dish out.

Breaking the negative reinforcing connectedness of that vicious cycle is one of the hardest challenges of fighting back against ingrained abuse.

I wish there was a miracle cure, but sadly I think the miracle is so much simpler, yet so much more difficult, than a miracle. It's about teaching yourself, through gentleness and self care and through listening to the beliefs and views of good and trustworthy people around us, that we can slowly begin to reform those negative perceptions of self and all that goes with them.

I'll try to remember this quote, it's a keeper.

Maddog

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Boundaries. Your therapist stated that you need to set boundaries.

....Yeah, it may seem like tough love, but really it's about you and your boundaries; the need for respect for both.

This post was filled with examples of what it means to set boundaries. In essence, boundaries are expectations. Ones set by you, as well as for you.

I was a supporter before I was a sufferer. My ex husband was a work-a-holic. Literally. I was left to do everything- everything! I carried a job, home schooled our three children, fixed the car/truck/bikes, unclogged drains, fixed the house where repairs were needed, mowed the lawn, juggled the bills when he spent more than he earned- We were never able to set boundaries, let alone live by them. We divorced inevitably.

Set your boundaries, whatever you need them to be. And take care of you! The rest will fall into place. Often enough, when we are taken for granted the person(s) who take us for granted usually have no idea that they are even doing so. Setting boundaries will let them understand your/their expectations will show them just how their behavior has effected you.