Walking Away, Not Running Away

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi all,

Sorry if this gets a bit lengthy... I know I have a bit to say and I'm actually on a PC for once, instead of logging in on my phone, which by default keeps my posts fairly short!

Anyway, I've been struggling with quite a few relationships lately. I know this is my "down" time of the year so to speak, and I'm cutting myself a little bit of slack because of it.

I'm finally to the point of knowing that I need to just walk away from a number of relationships instead of trying to make them work. (A few are just not healthy, one is actually TOXIC!) I have a knack for finding friends who aren't the greatest fit, and more often than not, I try to hold on to relationships which aren't in my best interest.

But...This is where things get dicey. I am known for running away from people, places, etc. What I fear is that I'm running away again. Logically my mind says "these relationships aren't good for you" but my guilty side, well, feels guilty! That is, I'm beating myself up for not staying in unhealthy relationships. Crazy, huh?

I guess the difference lies in the fact that I'm not reacting (ie running) out of being triggered. I am logically examining what's been happening in these relationships and rationally deciding that they're not healthy for me.

So I KNOW I need to walk away. As in change my phone number, block you on facebook walk away. (Yes, my guilt will get the better of me and I'll take these people back once they start contacting me again, so better to be proactive, I do believe.)

Thanks for reading, and any advice and/or comments are welcome. (Maybe you can see something I'm completely missing here, lol.)

Hugs,
SOL

 

[lil_fighter]

Logically my mind says "these relationships aren't good for you" but my guilty side, well, feels guilty! That is, I'm beating myself up for not staying in unhealthy relationships. Crazy, huh?

I can relate to this. It's like even reporting or speaking up about an abuser and then feeling sorry for them or remembering the good times..so wanting to withdraw the report, because you dont want to make them upset or angry (which is what Im going through at the moment).

But thank god for your logical side! :) The fact that you know you need to walk away says it all..reconsidering or analysing the situation is not good as that is when you start to doubt things, which is not what you want as it creates confusion, you just dont need all the extra stress right now.

It sounds to me as though you are definitely on the right path and you are wising up to toxic relationships or abusive behaviour recognising it as wrong, which is the most important part. You may have posted this for validation or reassurance because that little part of you (the guilty part) may still be coming through, causing you to wonder about decisions that you have made. Dont see it as running away because it's not, you are walking towards or running towards a better life because you deserve so much better and you are realising that. Change is scary and blocking on facebook to ensure that you dont reciprocate their contact is a great step to take, out of sight out of mind. I hope that you have cut off from the toxic person if possible..that is possibly the biggest step you could take, good luck ;)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Its only you who can judge whether a relationship is toxic or not. I tend to find that very difficult, so I would want to understand why I found it toxic and whether there was any other way of dealing with it.

Sometimes, the relationship is toxic to me because of where I'm at, not because the other person is abusive or to blame.

Ive backed off or walked away from a few people over the past 10 years, and there are some who have shown a different side of themselves when I've done that. Often they are the people who I've least expected from. Because on the surface, they are patient, kind, apparently understanding and I think they are the people who's pride is hurt most by rejection, however politely it is put.

So I think its quite a good test of friendship to say "I need to walk away for a while, I'm not sure where I'm at, or I feel a need to try different things, or I feel a need to be alone etc."

The friend that is a match for me would hopefully say "thats ok, i'm here if you want to talk, or if ever you want to come back." Or if there has been misunderstanding, the good friend is the one who wants to talk about it, so that you or they, can walk away or set new boundaries that will enable you to enjoy the friendship.

But I think unless the person is regularly abusing you over the phone or on fb, then blocking them and changing the phone number seems aggressive.

 

[Belle]

I guess the difference lies in the fact that I'm not reacting (ie running) out of being triggered. I am logically examining what's been happening in these relationships and rationally deciding that they're not healthy for me.

Honesty can be liberating. Maybe let relationships fade out and it doesn't feel like running?
A true and worthy friend will wait and give you the space you need.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

But I think unless the person is regularly abusing you over the phone or on fb, then blocking them and changing the phone number seems aggressive.

Yes, I should allow them to continue to harass me via text and msg me on facebook cuz god forbid I be aggressive.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry I posted this. It was a stupid topic to bring up. Please just let this thread die.

 

[Belle]

(((((SOL)))))

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes, I should allow them to continue to harass me via text and msg me on facebook cuz god forbid I be aggressive.

I did write "unless the person is regularly abusing you...". I wouldn't suggest for one moment that somebody should stay in an abusive relationship.

I'm sorry that this is upsetting you and I hope you understand that I'm unable to know the full situation from this side of the screen.

But I do have difficulties regarding my ability to judge friendships, and this is something that I'm dealing with myself. So I've offered a point of view from where I am.

Its ok to disagree, but not to mis-quote. Sorry

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I didn't mis-quote you.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

ScaredOfLonely- You, as well as everybody, has the right to not allow yourself to be abused. You have the right to be treated with respect. You have the right to have and maintain friendships that are healthy and do not contain any form of any type of abuse.

You have the obligation to yourself, to your well being, to take care of you. If that means that you feel that you need to end a friendship, for any reason at all, then you would be correct in feeling as such.

This is not a stupid topic. This is very real, and very difficult. But it is not stupid. Not for a moment.

I share in this struggle. And I have failed in this area. I had a friendship that was toxic, and the text messages and voice mails and emails were so much that it interfered with every aspect of my life and my well being. I did what was best for me, I eliminated the friendship. But he would not allow it to die. I obtained a protection order in the end. That was when it finally went away. It was not easy. Not for a moment. but I knew that the friendship was one sided- it was me being his friend and him trying to control me through emotional blackmail and abuse.

I hope that you have the strength to recognize that anyone harassing you in any way is not right. That person does not deserve your friendship. That is not a friendship. That is you trying to be friends with someone who doesn't respect (your) boundaries. Walk, run, do whatever it takes to keep you functioning, healthy, and working towards recovery.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I didn't mis-quote you.

You mis-interpreted the quote of mine that you used.

I do support you and understand how difficult it is. But I didn't suggest that you stayed in an abusive relationship, and that interpretation is something that I'm sensitive about.

 

[Belle]

(((((SOL))))) and (((((Meadowsweet)))))
It is hard isn't it. Personal stuff flows over. I get it. Abuse. Errrrr. What it does to self esteem is appalling.