How To Be The Boss With Active Ptsd?

[Barberian]

There are many flavors of PTSD. One type is not worse, or better than another. As sufferers we all have our own little versions of hell to live through. I am hopeful I will see everyone out on the other side (recovery) some day.

 

[maddog]

Sending you lots of good thoughts and well wishes for Monday Zef. Let us know how it goes.

Maddog

 

[Zef]

So, yesterday was first day back. . .and it was truly horrible. I did some real-time writing about it in the journal part of this forum, so the details are there if anyone is interested. BUT, got through it. Our manager meeting is Monday afternoons and I gave a practical summary to everyone and answered a few of their questions.

This is Tuesday morning and I am actually feeling pretty good right now. It's been awhile since I could say that. I just finished talking with a select portion of my crew and let them know that I'm not at 100% and probably won't be for awhile. Basically, mentioned that I've had PTSD and that it has been kicking my butt recently.

I gave them a practical list of areas that could affect them doing their jobs:

1. My memory isn't working well. If you need me to do something, email me so I have a reminder otherwise it is likely to not get done.
2. I may be slower.
3. Sometimes I may not speak effectively
4. I may actually take a lunch and leave the building
5. I may have more absences

Everyone has been supportive and understanding so far. The worst part of this is my reaction. Showing weakness is a big no-no for me, so I definitely have a part of myself telling me I've just done something horribly, horribly wrong. :)

Just want to thank everyone for your advice and well wishes. You have definitely been a big part of helping me get through this so far and I hope that I'm able to get to a point where I can do the same for others.

 

[Barberian]

One of the things I do to put life in perspective is... Will anybody in 5, 10, 20 years remember or care what I do in the next 5 min, hour, day, etc. How many of the people who are around me will still be in my life 5, 10, 20 years from now. I know different cultures have different job life expectancies. Here in America it's unlikely you will be working with the same people in 5 years or less. I try and be myself to the best of my abilities. I try to be true to what I believe in and make the best of it. I may succeed, I may fail, but at least I tried. :)

Unfortunatly my best is just sitting in my house most of the time right now, but I am working on it. Reading what I have written above has given me a challenge. I haven't been doing my best to get out and about lately. I will have to work on that.

 

[Zef]

Thanks for that, Barberian. You've pretty much nailed the demon I've never been able to beat, but the perspective you shared does give me some new ammunition.

 

[maddog]

Zef. I've jibbered about this on your diary thread as well, so won't bore you with a repeat dose.

But further to what Barberian said, it kind of reminded me of one of my favourite quotes, or cliches, or whatever it is...

"In the end, people won't remember what you said, people won't remember what you did. But people will always remember how you made them feel".

You have treated your team with respect, concern, honesty and personal and professional integrity in informing them as you have done. The perceptive among them will sense that this came at some considerable cost to you. You empower people by treating them in such a way, and I can almost guarantee that not only have you done right by yourself and your organisation and your team as a whole in doing what you did, but you have likely impacted positively on them all as individuals as well.

"Wow, my boss respects me enough to share personal information and to trust me to have and to act in accordance with this information. He must respect me. He must value my contribution to this team. He must think I am worth confiding in. That makes me feel damn good about myself..."

People love to feel trusted, respected and valued. In my experience, it tends to foster those same attitudes in return. I truly believe you have done right today, by everyone involved, and that you will all be the better off for it.

Keep us posted.

Maddog

 

[Zef]

Sorry for not posting for awhile. Except for the rollercoaster of having good days, bad days, bad morning, then good afternoon, etc. first week of work went better than I expected. It wasn't pleasant, but it was more easily survival-able than I had expected.

Was talking to the owner and he said something that helped quite a bit (and annoyed the crap out of me.) Basically, he said, not to worry about the job, that he is considering me at 60% until I get through this stage. That was a freeing statement for me. . .of course, being who I am, I started protesting that I expect more than 60% out of myself. . .he interrupted and said, "You would do this for any one of us."

That hit just below the belt and shut me up. :) I hate when people say that. It may be true, but somehow it's not the same. People aren't allowed to care for me. . .its. ..well, un-damn-comfortable. I feel like a loser and like I'm taking advantage.

 

[maddog]

Ah yes Zef, been there, done that, told self off in just the same way, felt like that, lost that argument with self...

I think the 60% thing is a statistic plucked from somewhere, as I've had it tossed randomly at me by several different people as well. And always that spark of indignation - 60%? Me? Are you kidding? If I'm feeling generous I'll settle for 105%, but a little more than that would ease the pressure more satisfactorily.

Truly, if only I'd known how ambitious 60% would be for me. Which isn't to say it will be the same for you, but just to say that as with so much else in this battle between pride and pragmatism, the boundaries of expectation do shift - they have to - and somehow, eventually, there is a little bit of relief in accepting that you can put down just a teny tiny bit of this burden for someone else to carry.

So glad you made it through your first week. Buckle up for the roller coaster!

Maddog

 

[Belle]

So glad you made it through your first week. Buckle up for the roller coaster! Maddog

Yep that is a great analogy....it feels just like buckling up for the roller coaster, lots of ups and downs.

I think the secret is to realise that handing over stuff is going to to positive in the long run even though it is really hard if you have been the 'fixer' and perfectionist. It isn't a sign of being 60% but of learning strategies to get through and survive and come out with some new techniques. After all loads of managers 'delegate and then delegate some more' until you wonder what they actually do!! And they don't have PTSD (as far as I know anyway)

 

[Zef]

I'll have to ask him where he got the 60%. It was delivered kind of like you would talk about an athlete being at x% and he is a sports guy so I think that is how he was processing the information. I'm an injured guy on the team that is worth keeping around until he is 100% again.

I was thinking about it a bit and my issue is with accepting charity. That's what I feel like. I've spent the last 30+ years trying to beat the world and accepting very little help. Now, I apparently have to accept help if I want to keep supporting my family. It's a difficult thing to swallow.

 

[Zef]

Belle,
Made me laugh with the 'delegate and delegate some more' comment. I've worked with some of those. :) I am definitely the 'fixer' rather than the 'fixee' and you are right, that makes accepting this harder.

 

[Belle]

I'll have to ask him where he got the 60%. It was delivered kind of like you would talk about an athlete being at x% and he is a sports guy so I think that is how he was processing the information. I'm an injured guy on the team that is worth keeping around until he is 100% again.

Yep I know ppl come out with some real cr*p which they think is helpful but actually sounds patronizing or just downright demoralising. I am learning really quickly to grow a thick skin and hang in there and smile sweetly rather than take it to heart.

I was thinking about it a bit and my issue is with accepting charity. That's what I feel like. I've spent the last 30+ years trying to beat the world and accepting very little help. Now, I apparently have to accept help if I want to keep supporting my family. It's a difficult thing to swallow.

That is why it is so hard because if you ahe been the fixer and the one ppl come to for help it is often bewildering for them and really difficult to take on board personally. Just try not to beat yourself up about it. Because I bet that even at 60% (ha ha ha) you are more than 60% better than most of the managers I know! It is obvious because you care so much and have analysed it all so carefully.

Your team are lucky :)