One Minute I'm Fine And The Next Minute I'm Not

[depressedjenn]

Who can relate to this? I could be having a good day then all of a sudden it hits me like bricks...I feel such sadness and lonliness, and get into a deep funk. I wish my memory could be erased and that I could start all over brand new. People that molest children have no idea how they screw up their minds forever. I hate my Dad and I want to get to the point one day that I can forgive him but I don't know how. How do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad and messed up every part of your life?

 

[megnut]

depressedjenn, I am so glad you wrote this! Now I dont feel like a freak. I go from 100 to zero in a heartbeat. It is always a trigger that puts me there. I see something that upsets me and my life comes crashing down with such a tremendous force. It takes me a long time to recover... usually a week. I spend most of that time believing that I should not even LET myself recover to normalcy because I will just crash again and the crashing feels so so bad. I have fantasies about having surgery to remove the part of my brain that holds the memory of my abuse and rape.

The person who abused you has no clue whatsoever about the lifelong consequences of his actions. It has taken me my whole adult life to forgive my father for all he did to me. I have accepted the fact that he is a sick man... only a sick man would do what he did to his own beloved daughter. You can say out loud (not neccessarily in his presence) that you forgive him. If you say it out loud enough times (may take hundreds of time) you will gradually begin to actually believe what you are saying. I have tried this with affirmations, phrases I say out loud about my self-worth. for a long long time, when I said things like "I deserve love and healing" it felt like I was flat-out lying. It was very uncomfortable. But I kept it up and now I am beginning to believe what I am saying.

 

[depressedjenn]

Oh meg (((((hugs))))) we are so much alike! wow! I have never ever met someone who has been through what I have. I have kept my feelings bottled up for years and years and now they are exploding with such force and I'm very angry.... thats where I'm at right now. The last time I talked to my counselor was last year and she wanted me to confront my mom and ask her if she knew what my dad did to me when I was little....well I confronted her and she stood there with her hands on her hips and a look of disgust that i would dare say that about her husband. I even told her that I'm glad he is dead cause I dont ever have to see him again. That felt so dang good to say that girl! I lost alot of love for my mom that day. I know that sounds awful but dang....how can you not believe your own child? He was on his death bed and I was in another state talking to him on the phone and there was such silence between us on the phone..... I was waiting and waiting to hear him say I'm sorry Jennifer for what I did to you.... well I never heard it come out of his mouth....... I cried and cried cause I just cant understand how my dad died without saying to me I'm sorry and that makes me so sad. I can't describe how bad that hurt me and I will never forget it. All I can say is that my Dad answered to GOD for what he did. He may not of told me but he aint running away from GOD

 

[depressedjenn]

I hate going to the counselor. She told me to come twice a week and I havent seen her since last fall. When I Talk about my dad I get into a big funk for the rest of the day or week and I get mad, very mad. I quess I need to find me a psych dr. to help me deal with this anger I have toward my Dad. I want to heal...I want to feel better and I want to try and forgive....I just dont know what steps to take. What reallly makes me mad is that my family dont even call me. ever since I confronted my family when I was in my twenties its like they didnt have anything else much to do with me. I only see my family at birthdays and holidays...they dont even call me...well I don't call them either cause I feel like they dont give a crap about me. Why do people not believe you? Why? How can they my brothers and my mom still have my dad on such a big pedestal after I told them what he did to me? I want to just erase my whole famiy out of my life the rest of my time im left here on earth. Sometimes I think if I dont ever have contact or see them again I can feel alittle better.

 

[megnut]

Oh meg (((((hugs)))))

Thank you soo much for the hugs!! I am so glad also to find someone who can relate to me. I am so sorry, jenn, that your dad never apologized. That must have been really crushing. I am guessing that he just could not admit to even himself what he had done. Yes, he is truly paying for it now, cuz I do believe that we have to come to terms with what we have done in our lives. As for your mom, it is a real shame that she chooses her husband over her own child. Deep down, she may realize the truth of your words, but , like your dad, just cannot come to terms with it. I hope for your sake that she changes her mind some time in her life. I booted my parents out of my life for five years. It was such a relief. I read that in order to keep yourself sane, you must surround yourself with good people and boot out the toxic ones. For your own sanity, the less you have contact with your family the better. There are other caring people out there who can take the place of your family. You cannot choose your family (what a pity!) but you can choose others to help you along in life.

Thanks so much for being here.