Being In Mental Pain In Order To Function?

[Thinkingman85]

I witnessed the death of both my parents. Currently, I feel like I always have to live in mental pain in order to function. Do any other PTSD sufferers feel like they have to be in an immense amount of mental pain (much more compared to the amount of mental pain before PTSD ocurred) in order to succeed? It's like I have to live with my tragedy to stay in tune with reality. I wish I could just let it go, but I feel like who I am will no longer exist if I do so.

 

[freeanimal]

Thinkingman, I can definitely relate to this feeling. To me, it feels like a pit with walls too deep to climb out of. When I find myself "letting go" of the pain, my mind reflexively reaches for it.

I think this happens for a mix of reasons. This video/concept shaped my thinking of the PTSD mind.

The sense of feeling threatened keeps the amygdala/emotional brain in control. The limbic system that invokes fight or flight...is still controlling thoughts/feelings after the trauma has stopped. It it essentially what it means to have post traumatic stress -not being able to shake the primal feeling of vulnerability/danger.

His video is reflective of how a normal brain experiences a moment of the amygdala's grip. PTSD brain is a constant battle of me/you v. amygdala. He mentions that naming the trigger can help prevent the amygdala from taking over. Post trauma, the amygdala already has pretty steady control whether we are conscious or not. Amygdala control translates as being a lot of steady pain. This is why it is crucial to talk about trauma related events to let the story unfold. "Naming the trigger" in a one time amygdala highjack is like saying "She upset me, so I cried." In trauma, the events that lead to amygdala activation are much more complex, but work basically the same. The brain perpetuating the trauma is its way of trying to process the feelings, thoughts, associated with the event in order to reclaim itself. Flashbacks, dreams, etc is the brain's way of releasing some of the emotional energy that is stored/ lodged in the brain. Unfortunately for me, I disassociated pretty heavily, so I have almost no memories and very little feeling related to the events. Without having any actual memories, I've relied on trying to understand the trauma objectively so that maybe I will be able to forge the connections and release the pain.

I'm sure you know all of this stuff. I guess I just felt compelled to spill some thoughts because I also have been feeling pretty stuck in stress. Meditation and yoga have helped since they are deliberately slowing the brain down. So much of the stress becomes automatic, so it's important to find ways to re train the brain. Stress starts to feel like who you are because who we are is our brain state. If the neural pathways are habituated to a line of stress, it feels natural, but...To heal literally means to change the neural pathways, creating a "normalized" equilibrium free of the constant undertow of stress.

Sorry this response was so technical...
The walls look deep now, but outside of the pit the sun is still shining.
namaste

 

[Thinkingman85]

freeanimal, thanks for the detailed response.

I agree that the amygdala will send a fight-or-flight response when the trigger is present. How I think my brain may be wired is very hurtful personally. Possibly, the amygdala fight-or-flight response is necessary in order for me to function and concentrate.This is probably because my brain recognizes certain real life environments as potentially threatening.

Emotion is a less sophisticated form of logic compared to the rational mind. With PTSD, the emotional mind may be more vulnerable to damage due to certain personality characteristics. I believe this emotion-based mind is formed by genetics and upbringing. Some people can handle certain things better than others because of what they have gone through.

In my case, my emotional mind couldn't handle so many "alien" situations and I literally broke. Since then, I have continued to live broken and intend to break myself some more. How I plan on alleviating my pain to a very comfortable level is proving to my emotional mind that suffering is normal.

The example I'm thinking of may seem unorthodox, but hopefully pain relieving. For example, if you have a wound and your mind won't stop focusing on the pain, what should you do? You could... cut the would even deeper so your mind will no longer focus on the pain, but on healing. Suffering is normal, and the mind should be programmed to focus on healing and not pain.

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[Hashi]

The example I'm thinking of may seem unorthodox, but hopefully pain relieving. For example, if you have a wound and your mind won't stop focusing on the pain, what should you do? You could... cut the would even deeper so your mind will no longer focus on the pain, but on healing. Suffering is normal, and the mind should be programmed to focus on healing and not pain.

I'm not sure I understand right, but from how I read this I'm afraid I can't see the logic.

Your mind is programmed to focus on pain as a survival mechanism, to protect you. In fact, I wondered if that's partly what's going on when you say you need to live in mental pain in order to function. A focus on the pain could be making you feel safer on a conscious level (thinking awareness of it will motivate you towards something) and an unconscious level (you've been through an experience that threatened you and made you feel helpless; keeping in touch with that pain makes you feel alert to danger and therefore better able to keep yourself safe).

I wouldn't rate the rational mind so highly above the reptilian one (the instinctive one - I think that's what you mean by the emotional mind?) Non-human animals rarely suffer from PTSD because they allow their instinctive minds to complete the autonomic cycle of healing after a trauma - shaking, making repeated movements relating to what happened etc. It's our "rational" minds interfering with this natural healing process, and trying to put a cognitive frame around an instinctive experience, that sustains and even furthers PTSD.

I'm very sorry for your experience. I can see how it could shatter your sense of identity, and therefore the pain of the experience is the closest you can get to who you were before - the "after" you isn't anchored in anything, or even created. I would suggest that working on an identity and mastery beyond the trauma would be more healing than trying to deepen the pain.

 

[freeanimal]

Thank you for this reply, Hashi. It definitely put some things into perspective for me, particularly the reference to our cognitive framing of a primal experience. That is something I am aware that I do all too often.. but have a very difficult time refraining from it. I intellectualize my issues to the point of numbness. It has become such a reflexive cycle, and it's hard not to fall back on it. Do you have any advice on breaking free of that cycle?

 

[Philippa]

It's hard to let go of pain, especially when it becomes so much a part of our identity. I have had the same experience of feeling like "what would I be if I wasn't in pain"?

It's very hard to let go, and it's interesting to read the responses here which give real survival reasons for how pain keeps us safe. I can see how that worked for me. Pain makes you feel alive in a way.

I'm also wondering Hashi how you would go about making a new identity, whilst reframing trauma? I always thought that integrating the emotions and the experiences of trauma was the best way of being able to move past them, but I have had real trouble with the identity building side of things...and find myself being drawn into other peoples worlds who want to manipulate me into being more like them...like taking on someone elses identity almost as a way of compensating for my own loss? I am aware enough though to realize that that is not what I want or what is good for me. I want to be me.

 

[ms spock]

So much of the stress becomes automatic, so it's important to find ways to re train the brain. Stress starts to feel like who you are because who we are is our brain state. If the neural pathways are habituated to a line of stress, it feels natural, but...To heal literally means to change the neural pathways, creating a "normalized" equilibrium free of the constant undertow of stress.

I am working really hard on retraining my brain. It does take so much focus, time and energy. Some days I focus all day and I am exhausted at the end of it.

I'm also wondering Hashi how you would go about making a new identity, whilst reframing trauma? I always thought that integrating the emotions and the experiences of trauma was the best way of being able to move past them, but I have had real trouble with the identity building side of things...and find myself being drawn into other peoples worlds who want to manipulate me into being more like them...like taking on someone elses identity almost as a way of compensating for my own loss? I am aware enough though to realize that that is not what I want or what is good for me. I want to be me.

I have taken on other people's or community's identity in order to compensate for my own loss.

This is an area that I need to build on as well. I am reworking my identity as an artist and a bellydancer. The bellydancing to rework and retrain the muscles and my focus. The artist in order to exorcise the PTSD (at a later date). The artist is also an identity that recognises my talents and gives me a place to hang with other artists.

 

[Philippa]

Nice Ms Spock.

I am currently doing a course with a bunch of very talented artists and have a community of them to be around now...which is fabulous. I'm so enjoying having other like minded, gentle souls to mingle with and get ideas from, and just generally share in the magic of art with.

I also want to take up bellydancing. I've been getting a calling in me for a while now to do it, and have looked into classes, but had some other priorities to take care of before I could. Now I will be studying art therapy in a few weeks from now, and am in a better position to be able to finally get into bellydancing.

Martial Arts was an outlet for me to get fit and build muscles and focus...but I gave that up after my teacher was being pretty manipulative and I didn't like the way he was so controlling and the way he operated at times. I think he had real issues that he wasn't addressing? It was a real shame as I loved it, and was really good at martial arts. It gave me a lot of confidence.

I'm blessed to have a community of dancers in Melbourne and a plethora of choice to choose from in this area. There is so much happening right now in terms of dance and community building and art...it's really exciting and inspiring to be a part of it.

Awesome to hear you are getting into it too Ms Spock.

 

[ms spock]

I am getting out each day Phillipa and strutting my stuff and painting and dancing and doing it all.

I love the bellydance. I am actually learning the steps!

Good on you for leaving the martial arts teacher that wasn't good for you as a teacher that is brilliant.

 

[Thinkingman85]

One of my biggest problems is not being able to have a connection with anyone. I have been told that the reptilian brain needs time to heal. There are two parts of me. The first is the "I will live a completely moral life because it is the only way to be a good person and that is the only way I can be satisfied." The other part is the "I will live in the gossip-based, heresay, darwinian mentality driven world and do what I have to do to survive and enjoy life." Most people are aware of how moral I am and they no longer want to be "normal" friends with me. I am being very moral because I am seeking personal salvation from my mental pain. The only way I am able to function is by being very moral, but I don't know if I'm going to last in a world like this much longer. I don't want to have to devolve myself into just a homosapien fighting to survive instead of being a human (if you understand the context). When the world is focused on status, reputation, how many friends can be accumulated and how one can fit into society, I'm focused on changing the world for the better. I put helping people before surface appearance. However, this way of living only exacerbates my PTSD pain. I need to know why. That is the question that needs to be answered in order to save my life. One day, I hope to feel belonging like I used to.

The pain is located in the lower right hemisphere of my brain. It feel like that part of my brain is literally dead. Every part of my brain is functioning properly, but this part is always in pain. It is so weird that my whole body feels normal except one area in my brain. If it could just go away and I could feel normal again... The pain makes me not want to "live" life, but change the world. I might be sounding selfish, but I've been robbed. I literally feel like a dead person. It might sound weird, but I don't "feel" alive. I don't know why I feel dead...

 

[ms spock]

One of my biggest problems is not being able to have a connection with anyone.

I am struggling with the not having connection with anyone. Well it feels like I have no connection to anyone these last couple of weeks.

I have been told that the reptilian brain needs time to heal.

So how are you going to give your reptilian brain time to heal before you start putting all these conditions and pressure on yourself and your reptilian brain?

There are two parts of me. The first is the "I will live a completely moral life because it is the only way to be a good person and that is the only way I can be satisfied."

You don't have to be perfect. You can't try to be perfect to try to ward off ever having gotten PTSD. No amount of overcompensation by being "good" will stop the PTSD from happening from you. No amount of being perfect and moral will stop you from having PTSD. It just doesn't work that way.

The other part is the "I will live in the gossip-based, heresay, darwinian mentality driven world and do what I have to do to survive and enjoy life."

We are primates and we are hard wired in to wanting to be in groups. Some people are hermits and enjoy solitude, but on the whole as we are primates we are looking for belonging. Not belonging in our prehistoric history meant certain death.

Most people are aware of how moral I am and they no longer want to be "normal" friends with me.

I am not sure what you mean by this, what is it that means being moral stops you from having friends?
If people get it right about 50% of the time then they are doing really well. (Hyprocrispy clause I don't do this myself for myself.) Only in Hollywood movies are friends true and loyal to that Herculean extent. In reality people stuff up a lot of the time and in case of one person in my class, most of the time. I suggested a bit of slack for this person and modelled best practice by being kind, but not rescuing. (Who would have thought I would live and a day would pass without rescuing!) Being hard on yourself and other people is one way to go, but there might be other directions and options you might want to explore.

I

am being very moral because I am seeking personal salvation from my mental pain. The only way I am able to function is by being very moral, but I don't know if I'm going to last in a world like this much longer.

You can't be perfect and you don't have to punish yourself for being not perfect. You are a human being. It is okay we are all human beings as well!

I don't want to have to devolve myself into just a homosapien fighting to survive instead of being a human (if you understand the context). When the world is focused on status, reputation, how many friends can be accumulated and how one can fit into society, I'm focused on changing the world for the better. I put helping people before surface appearance. However, this way of living only exacerbates my PTSD pain. I need to know why. That is the question that needs to be answered in order to save my life. One day, I hope to feel belonging like I used to.

I feel like I don't belong either. I am not certain what you mean by some parts of your post, so forgive any misunderstandings or my reading you the long way. What I understand now is that you are putting an awful amount of pressure on yourself to be a certain way.

The pain is located in the lower right hemisphere of my brain. It feel like that part of my brain is literally dead. Every part of my brain is functioning properly, but this part is always in pain. It is so weird that my whole body feels normal except one area in my brain. If it could just go away and I could feel normal again... The pain makes me not want to "live" life, but change the world. I might be sounding selfish, but I've been robbed. I literally feel like a dead person. It might sound weird, but I don't "feel" alive. I don't know why I feel dead...

I don't think it is selfish to not want to have PTSD any more. I think the world needs changes in many arenas and each bit we do ourselves makes a better world for everyone else.

Not wanting to "live" life is a state I am familiar with as it feeling robbed of so much in life.

I send you my best wishes and hope that my post is not totally off the mark.

You honesty is remarkable.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thank you Ms. Spock for the inspiration and helping guide me into seeing things differently.