Getting back to the incident I mentioned with the cold water, there are many times I say that the thing bothering me "is not real." This works well on me, as I learned to D at a very young age when fantasy and reality didn't exist as separate.
Therefore, I can play with those notions easily.
Yes, The Kiersey Temperments: I have wondered if life molds these into place or if we come already wired with a temperment. And how does temperment/biology play into who will develop what disorder or giftedness? Good questions that I can't see us answering for a long time, if ever.
Lately, I'm accepting that most of life is a mystery, and that as a child, I was fascinated by that. Why not be fascinated with life now, too, even though I am suffering with problems, that doesn't take away my ability to look at life as mysterious and intriguing. Keeping that zest for mystery alive will likely keep me alive, when nothing else will.
When someone is triggering me, I say to myself, "this isn't really real," and I am able separate myself from my fear long enough to get through the time period using this same method. I am not sure it is dissociation in all cases. Some would call it Compartmentalization, or perhaps, Derealization--a type of Dissociation.
Last night, I wanted to connect with my H, but felt too PTSD'd/overwhelmed, as I have lately, and I went through the motions, but still could not connect. When he said he could tell I was disconnected, I told him that I felt he was not really there, that he is just a figment of my imagination. I could not look at him, touch him and feel his presence as a human being. I was having dissociation/derealization.
Then, I realized this is a long pattern for me. It is why I don't always listen well, want to interact with others, and why I seem to hate it when they come up and touch me. It seems to threaten the "bubble" I create by plunging the world around me into the category of "fantasy" or "not really real." When that bubble bursts, I feel like I have woken into the nightmare of living with PTSD and am fully present to feel that pain on all levels suddenly.
This is bothersome to me, but I fear it leaves my loved ones feeling I don't love them or want them, but I do. I just want to escape the feeling of living with PTSD my whole life. I am trying to survive the only way I can.
I do not have access to CBT or EMDR or trauma therapy here. Only the SGB, possibly, which I am looking into. And the funny thing is, I want it so I can be a better wife/mother/friend/coworker more than just for myself, but I also don't want to be anxious/depressed my whole life either.
I wonder if I would still be using dissociation if the PTSD levels dropped down to nothing? Another mystery. Thanks!
