Inconsistent Support Is Worse Than None At All. I'm So Lonely.

[Sheer Force of Will]

This is no sour grapes. The idea of having a long term relationship has never appealed to me. I always wanted to grow old with a close friend, instead of a sexual partner. I never liked the idea of having a boyfriend be a primary confidant. I tried it out, and honestly I find that it does not suit me. I would rather deal with getting healthy on my own. That does not mean that I cannot still be with this guy, but it means a different relationship. Boyfriend and girlfriend, as opposed to partners. Hell, I like sex as much as the next healthy, consenting adult, so why not do with someone who I find attractive and enjoyable.

I really prefer to rely on myself. I will talk to my T and ask her if she thinks that I am on the right track, but I have always been good on my own. It offers me the greatest consistency and stability. Is this just me retreating into my comfort zone?

 

[Bubba]

I go thru the same thing with my husband right now (we are currently separated). One minute he is being sweet and kind and supportive - the next he isn't and then wonders why I shut down on him. Trust is SO important in our recovery - and it's hard to trust someone when they aren't consistent.

I am pretty much the only person I have ever been able to rely on (except for God). And I find when my stress cup is overflowing, I have to isolate in order to regain my strength and bring the stress down. So retreating into your comfort zone is sometimes necessary in order to de-stress and get back that control. Don't be too hard on yourself - and I really don't think you are asking for too much when it comes to him being consistent. ((((HUGS))))

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Thanks for your thoughts, Bubba. If you feel comfortable, would you mind saying a little bit more about your faith?

 

[Eleanor]

This is no sour grapes. The idea of having a long term relationship has never appealed to me. I always wanted to grow old with a close friend, instead of a sexual partner. I never liked the idea of having a boyfriend be a primary confidant. I tried it out, and honestly I find that it does not suit me. I would rather deal with getting healthy on my own. That does not mean that I cannot still be with this guy, but it means a different relationship.

I really prefer to rely on myself. I will talk to my T and ask her if she thinks that I am on the right track, but I have always been good on my own. It offers me the greatest consistency and stability. Is this just me retreating into my comfort zone?

That is a question only you can answer...:) My crystal ball is, alas, broken, and I failed the stupid mind reading course a number of times.:D

My question/worry is really about "settling" and so, I guess, the same as yours. The point, as I understand it, is to choose the best "story" for you, and then go about living that. If you are just an independent person, and don't want that kind of partnership - Cool! If it doesn't suit you, it doesn't suit you. The only tricky part then may be getting the person you are in a relationship with to believe that that is a settled preference of yours, and not something you will "grow out of" or "get over." :confused:

 

[Bubba]

Hi Sheer - no, I don't mind at all. I am a Christian. I don't go to church regularly, because I can't stand how two faced people can be. And I've always had an issue with feeling like people are judging me. I think a relationship with God is a very personal thing and no one should judge where you are with that relationship - because there is no way for them to know what that really is. I do believe in actions speaking louder than words - which is why I going to church bothers me. I feel invisible there and judged if I don't stand up when they want me to and if I'd rather sit alone in prayer.

Eleanor - you are so right on! I have a feeling my husband wants more out of this relationship than I do. He is looking for that "intimate" partner that I'm not so sure I can ever be. And I think he believes that he can get me to be that. I like being alone. I like watching my tv. I like reading my books. I like being on the computer. And those are things that I don't think I will ever change. He wants me to come from work and get into these long indepth intimate conversations when all I want to do is destress from the day I had and be alone for a while. We are separated now - but it is something that we are going to have to figure out if we can ever give each other what the other needs in a relationship and if each other can accept what is given.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Thanks for sharing!

I am makeing an effort to focus more on myself now, instead of focusing on him and my relationship. The most important relationship in my life has to be the one I have with myself. I am a very recent diagnosis, so i feel like i have really bneen relying on him or diassociating with my problems by taking on his. Now I am back to focusing on me and what I like. I want to be a person that I am proud of, so that is what I will be. I think it will long term be better for my relatiohship anyway.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so glad you are focusing on yourself and your recent diagnosis. I am glad you seem to be more positive than you were at first. I am rooting for you and hope today is abetter day for you. Hugs if you take them.

 

[Bubba]

Thanks for sharing!

I am makeing an effort to focus more on myself now, instead of focusing on him and my relationship. The most important relationship in my life has to be the one I have with myself. I am a very recent diagnosis, so i feel like i have really bneen relying on him or diassociating with my problems by taking on his. Now I am back to focusing on me and what I like. I want to be a person that I am proud of, so that is what I will be. I think it will long term be better for my relatiohship anyway.

Yeah! That is where I am at today as well. I was thinking as I was driving home from work just how much I LOVE my job and that it's important that I do things in my life that make ME happy. My husband would want me to quit my job because he is insecure (I work for a former Navy SEAL - I was a wife in the SEAL teams for 13 years - they are like a "club" in a way - if you've been in it - they respect you and there is a bit of a secret language). But I can't give up what makes me happy just because he's insecure. And I think that's important in a relationship - isn't it about two individuals coming together to share their lives? I don't think it's about one person giving up who they are just because they love someone else. That certainly can't be healthy!

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Tonight my best friend spilt wine on my puffalump and I cried like a ten year old pilgrim widow. Not the best end to my night.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

And bubba, right on for keeping a job you love!!! Please feel free to say more about your faith.

 

[Tinyflame]

Bubba, could you compromise? For example, if he wants intimacy and you want quiet and to de-stress, maybe cuddle a bit (limited talking), etc.?
Otherwise it sounds lonely for you both. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

SFoW, sorry, it overlapped posting.
I hope you will find a match suited to you, I think you will.