Dissociation, What Are Examples?

[ms spock]

Sometimes I get sort of a "moral police" attitude towards people, especially the bullies, as you said. I have my theories as to why...something about being bullied in school b/c of things like not wanting to undress in the locker room at gym class, etc. Kids (even adolescents) can be very cruel...

I wonder if it could be considered a belated standing up for your self or practice for the future or both?

 

[ms spock]

I go around and around about this stuff as well.

 

[babyKTigress]

Hi there everyone! I love this thread and wanted to share my experience of dissociation. I am complex trauma and ddnos..which means dissociation without blacking out or what is considered co conscious behavior. In other words I know when my alters are switching and even though each of my alters evoke different feelings in me I always remain conscious vs, DID which is alters with periods of blackouts and lost time. okay now that being said here is my reality...

I have three, each one has a different voice, different mannerisms, different purposes for being there.

baby she is 4 and is innocent and playful, and is terrified of Tigress, and is just now learning to trust Katherine

Katherine is the middle she is 16 and a bit of a rebel, playful smart mouth and fiercely protective of baby defending her against Tigress...a bit of a power struggle going on there Katherine is a nurturer and has lots of love to give

Tigress she is the adult, she is overbearing and controlling, she has always been baby's great protector but she does it in a very abusive way, and she wants to keep baby isolated and quiet...she does not like Katherine and spent much of her time in the past trying to kill baby....however we have gotten past that now thank God!

Each one comes out based on the trigger at the time. For example when sharing part of my story with a friend the part about "leaving the body" during the abuse and waking up beaten, bloody and sore from sexual abuse baby was triggered to provide a distraction and I blocked out what had happened by playing awhile. vs..if someone tries to get close to me it will trigger Tigress trying to run people off and making us feel bad about trying to reach out...etc..etc...

Anyway I hope this is hopeful to someone out there, and thanks for listening.......Luvs G

 

[Helliepig]

Okay one thing to take in to account is that it takes a long time to stop disassociating. To me actually knowing that you are doing it is a BIG step. You learn more and more about it and you notice it more and more. This seems and feels like you are getting worse and you are making no progress when just the opposite is true. You are succeeding and part of that success (unfortunately) is noticing how much you disassociate. Sometimes it is breath taking when you find another whole arena that you are disassociated about or with.

I'd agree about the complexity of dissociation, and how as you move forward you discover more and more the subtle ways you do it. For a long time I was amnesiac for most of my childhood and didn't feel anything. Occasionally I would get what I now understand to be triggered into a whole different me which was so frightening I used to close it up and forget about it.

WIth therapy has come the breakthrough of other sense's of me, other me's, laden with terrific pain and fear. Often my dissociated parts are just parts of memories, so I'll just get overwhelming terrifying neurological or physical feelings, or emotional feelings that have no memory connected. They are hard.

As I have gone on I have learnt that when I feel slightly buzzy, slightly anxious, with "white noise" in my head, or a bit unreal, I am dissociating - in other words, automatically trying not to feel something that has been triggered deep in my brain. Conciously I am not aware of it, but parts of me are reverberating and buzzing and communicating with each other but not me, or so T says - that's the white noise. I was 100% unaware of this before because it's only become apparent as the dissociative barriers have weakened. Before they were too buried to be heard.

You do have to treat dissociation with respect - it itself is not the enemy, it is there for a reason, to protect you from feeling something unbearable, and the need for it lessens as you deal with underlying issues. Your body won't let you stop yourself doing it until you're ready and focusing on it as THE problem sort of misses the point.

Understanding what is happening when you are dissociating helps , as it can feel scary, and I guess the other battle is to stop yourself from doing it automatically even to minor triggers that actually you can deal with without dissociation - making a commitment to trying to be present and real in the moment.

 

[Indifferent]

Wow. So happy to know that this stuff is experienced by other people too!

 

[Mayday]

There is so much in this thread that I relate to, so much so that it's kinda overwhelming.

I am constantly having conversations in my head, playing out scenarios that are either pure fantasy or related to a real life situation I might be dealing with. I've done this my whole life, sometimes it makes me cry, laugh or even talk out loud, because it feels so real, even though I do know it's just in my head.

I really connected with this post:

For me dissociation is more like not being able to emotionally connect with my past.....I live my adult live mostly in my head not in my emotions, while the little girl inside me, seems to only be build out of overwhelming emotions. It feels like they are separate from each other. I dont feel whole.

I am so detached from myself that I look back on my life and either can't remember things or it's like looking at someone else's life. I don't feel connected to my emotions, they seem to overwhelm me and be out of my control at times, which makes me angry with myself for being "weak".

I think I cope a lot of the time by disassociating, if that's the right word for it. I relate to how Helliepig describes the "white noise":

As I have gone on I have learnt that when I feel slightly buzzy, slightly anxious, with "white noise" in my head, or a bit unreal, I am dissociating - in other words, automatically trying not to feel something that has been triggered deep in my brain. Conciously I am not aware of it, but parts of me are reverberating and buzzing and communicating with each other but not me, or so T says - that's the white noise.

I also get quite uncoordinated when this happens, and end up dropping, spilling things or bumping into stuff. It's like I'm slightly out of sync with my body so I end up being clumsy.

All of this is new to me, in terms of actually trying to come to terms with it and understand it. I've always avoided having to deal with it, and have never talked about it with anyone in real life. I don't trust anyone. I don't remember much of my childhood, and don't entirely trust the things I do remember. I am trying to trust my instincts now, it's just hard because disassociating is such an automatic thing...I find it really hard to stay "present" in life.

 

[HëllaBubz]

.... :) But, I have fantasies in my head where I am engaged in a conversation with someone who is not present, or I fantasize about a situation I wish I was in, all while I am actually talking to a real person. Sometimes I feel like my brain is split. It is disconcerting.

Spero

OMFG This makes so much sense to me......and here I was thinking I was a fruitcake.....suspicion confirmed!!!! :p

 

[ellebelle]

Man, this is all so confusing for me.. There are some things I can completely relate to, and others that sound so foreign.

My own personal instances that come to mind include:

-Once, when I was 9 (childhood trauma started about age6-9) and at church I completely blacked out and went limp, and had 'visions of heaven' for nearly an hour and a half in front of my entire family, in what they thought was a religious experience, but is actually closest to an epileptic seizure. When I 'came back' I had no recollection of being in my body for the entire episode. I haven't had one since.

-While being raped, at 14, once I couldn't force the guy off of me, I immediately 'went limp' in my brain, and just floated off somewhere else until the entire thing was through. He even got up, made some weird comment, and walked out while I just sat there, completely removed from all thought and emotion.. I'm not sure when that emotional and mental clarity came back to me.. Maybe a few days, weeks later? Who knows? I finally told my mom a year later.

-In high school I would go through spells where I literally felt like a zombie, as if I just wasn't 'there' and couldn't force myself to do much of anything besides follow my grandmother around the back yard. I would get so stressed it seemed my mind would just snap and take leave.

-During highly stressful times in early twenties I felt could 'pull' out of myself and, not physically observe myself from another part of the room, but emotionally, if that makes sense. I could pull myself up to the ceiling, or into the far corner, and just 'watch' until whatever binge was over.

-Several times while driving I have arrived at my destination with no memory of driving the last twenty minutes. Or have been riding in the passenger seat and felt like I was floating along outside of the car, removed from myself.

Lately, I just find myself 'stuck' on the couch,or wherever, after a stressful situation, where I should be upset, or crying, but I'm just numb, and oddly unconcerned.. I just stare off out of a window, or stare at something, not really seeing anything, and retreat into my head. It's a very odd sort of feeling... Not like being on drugs, as some have said, but more like being nothing.. Ceasing to think and exist for a few short moments.. Just waiting for it all to pass.

I have no idea what that would be considered, besides a simple coping mechanism.. Some sort of avoidance, or mental and emotional removal from the situation.

My physical therapist might have sexually assaulted me several weeks ago when he decided to place his hands under my shorts, unbidden, to 'test' my pubic bone with his bare hands, and then asked me to remove my shirt, etc to better see my back.. Regardless of the appropriateness, as this started to happen, I once again, began to have a panic attack, and then just kind of floated off, or into myself, to wait it out and just get it over with.

I've got to learn to break this habit.

 

[AzureMind]

Hey Ellebelle!
Alot of the stuff you talked about was dissociation in some greater or lesser extent. The rape you suffered when you were 14, and suddenly going 'limp' and 'comming to', and floating off somewhere else, feeling like a zombie in high school, being 'stuck' on the couch and not really seeing anything/retreating in your head is dissociation. You were disengaging from a situtation that you no longer felt you could mentally deal with so you found a way out of it mentally to preserve a part of your sanity, by not fully absorbing the experience.

The part where you were driving and 'suddenly' arrived at your destination was 'highway hypnosis' which is a milder form of the dissociation, but dissociation none the less; Dissociation exists on a continuum, a scale if you will that defines/describes experiences of dissociation.

It's hard to stop by yourself because if you've been doing it for most of your life, it's probably the only coping skill you have for facing highly stressful situations, that remind you of the traumas you faced when you were younger. It's a skill/ability that some people have, or learn to develope but it kept you safe when you needed it. It probably will lessen as you get older as it's been known to, but the chances of that happening are kinda slim without seeing someone who understands this and can treat this. It kinda goes without saying that it's really messing with your life on a lot of levels, but you came to the right place for info on it. Lots of us do it, and it's manageable if you seek treatment for it. Anything else about it you wanna know, just ask in the right forum, and someone'll volunteer info on it! Nice to meet ya! :)

 

[SillyMe]

Azuremind is right, most of the things you describe seem to me to be disassociation. I too was raped (at age 9 or 10), I was also abused by my grandmother from ages 3-5. Disassociation became such a part of my life as a youngster that my family made a joke out of how "klutzy" I was because I used to walk into walls and such.

It continued all the way through my early 30s, and still when I have times of extreme stress I find it happening. It's a little disconcerting, as you shared, to just kind of realize that time has gone by and your not sure how or why you got where you are.

My Ts helped me to reduce this a great deal. If I felt myself drifting off I would try and ground myself in the here and now. It's hard to describe but it worked for me.

Our experiences caused the disassociation, it helped us cope with the uncopeable, if it weren't for that coping mechanism we may not have survived such horrible experiences to even work toward becoming whole.

While I do find it is important to work towards lessening my coping mechanisms as they are not healthy in my life today, I also try and remind myself to be glad I was able to count on these things to help me get through the trauma. Good Luck, sending you love and light,
SillyMe

 

[OKRADLAK]

I have realized that it is my brain talking to my consciousness and vice versa. Let me describe how it feels to me.

When we are young, we have a brain and it just does its own thing. But then, we start to become aware of our thoughts. Maybe 6 or 9 or 10?

We say things to ourselves like: "Dummy! You failed your math test again!" Or, "My, look at my hair all shiny and long and curly. I like it!"

But we are just doing what everyone else does.

Then, we become trauma survivors and the brain cannot handle it well. And our consiousness become aware of it and the dissonance starts. Normally, the grow together, but with us (or just me) it seems to have split off. My consciousness is separate from my brain.

For me, a running commentary began, first as prayer for help, then as castigation, then more talking. Endless talking.

I have to now make sure to remind myself I am talking to myself, not someone else.

It starts because I will hear that little voice asking me what I am doing or telling me that I hate myself or I find myself talking to the voice, "I hate you, Freak," etc.....

I am caught up in it before I realize it.

It looks so stupid to write it down, like I am some strange person talking to myself. But I am.

It is not an auditor hallucination. I am not hearing voices.

It is that voice, that ongoing commentary, that I am refering to. I could name it. I have named it, in fact. But in the end, it is just me looking at a wounded brain and hating it with an unhealthy passion.

I am working on it and am learning a lot from others' experiences here.

 

[Red Feather]

Thanks OKRADLAK, that is a really good description of how I experience things too. I have that voice. Geez is my voice mean. The meanest I know to be honest. And I think I can even remember the time when that split happened. Maybe there had been other splits before, but I remember a particular moment where it felt like I was losing something so vital to life. It was a realy shock for me.