Anxious About Workmen Coming Into My Home. I Hate It

[lil_fighter]

Last year I had a lucky escape on a date with a guy who tried to force me to do things I didn't want to do and he became violent. I say lucky escape because I got away before he could do anything and he stopped when he realised his flatmate was home.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and mild depression and have been seeeing a counsellor which has helped me a lot with self esteem issues that I already had to do with my emotionally abusive father.
I am 23 and have my life back on track, my sleep has improved and I have opened up and found that I have truly good friends that are very supportive. I value that and I believe this has made me stronger.

The only thing I have an issue with..is when I realised that I get very anxious about workmen coming into my home. It is weird because I never felt like this before last year. Lately because we are having work done on the house there have been a lot of workmen coming in. I live with my mum and when she is out at work I have to let them in, normally (before all of this) I offer them something to drink - tea or coffee and do the polite chit-chat in the beginning before they start the work. I have managed over the past two weeks with letting them in etc. but since there are different people coming in all the time, I don't know why but I've started to hate it. There have been times when I have cancelled and rearranged the appointments.

Last night I was shaking and felt very on edge and anxious but didn't know why, then I didn't sleep at all and was worrying about having to let them in the next day. Then when the mornng came and I had hadn't slept, I found I was still shaking, my muscles were tense and I explained to my mum that actually this is quite difficult for me (as stupid as that may seem). I know it is totally unrelated, these people do the work come in and get on with it but still I hate it. My mum has two free days from work and I have asked that she arranges that the work is done only on days when she is here. I'm home alone now, my mum has gone into work and the workman is in the living room, I'm on the pc in another room still shaking behind a closed door hoping he won't shout out 'excuse me?' before my mum gets back.

I don't understand why I feel this way and I know how silly it is. Otherwise in life I am fine, I don't have an issue with speaking to men. I'm not scared of every man I pass in the street and I even have a bf now (long distance relationship) but advice would be great and while I felt I was progressing and I haven't had a panic attack in ages, this morning has made me wonder how much I really am progressing??

 

[Srain]

I don't think it's silly at all, lil fighter. I think you were smart to have had someone there with you and I can certainly understand your being uncomfortable when left there alone with the person, especially in light of your past experience with assault.

I view my home as a safe sanctuary and therefore am never comfortable with anyone other my husband in it let alone strangers. I have had occasions where it's been necessary to have people in and out while alone and it sets off severe anxiety in me, even if they are working on the outside I'm extremely uncomfortable. It's the hypersensitivity and, to me, good common sense working.

I'm sorry it was so uncomfortable for you,
Rain

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Hey there lil_fighter. Your issue with men in your home makes total sense to me. I feel the same way. I hate dealing with strange men in general. I have certain techniques that I use to deal with it though. When I was in spain, I was constantly harassed by men, so when I had to be alone with a workmen or a taxi driver, I would ask the company to send one that had children, preferably young children. I would talk to them about their children because it helped me to humanize them, and because I felt like I was in less danger if they were thinking about their young children.

If I had to have someone in my house alone, I would ask them to be quiet because my father/brother/boyfriend was taking a nap, even when it was not true. I did my best to pretend that I was not alone in the house. Sometimes I would fake a phone call in front of the person and pretend like I was expecting company.

I know it seems childish to go to such extremes but it made me feel more comfortable.

 

[lil_fighter]

Hey Sheer Force of Will,

It was a relief to read your post, really it was. I realise that I am not alone in feeling that way and I also totally understand your coping strategies that you used in those situations and I think if it helps you to deal with it, then it is absolutely fine.

I also see your point about them having children, one workman that visited once showed his ID and was probably the only one who has ever offered ID, he seemed like a gentle person quite old and just got on with the job when he did talk he spoke about his three daughters and about how he worries about them as they all live together and live in an unsafe area of London (that I used to live in too), he commented on how he always checks that his daughter gets home from school ok because she has to walk through a park where there are drunks and strange characters and he said if anyone ever did anything to his daughters he would kill them and wouldn't care if he was sent to prison. I could tell he was genuine and was just what a normal father should be like (nothing like my own father). I think that is why he knew how important it was to show ID - because if it was his daughter answering the door he'd want them to make sure they saw ID and so he can relate which put my mind at rest a little.

Now though I have said to my mum just to arrange for work to be done on her two days off work while she's around...I refuse to be alone and to let strange men in anymore, I need to focus on recovering and not experiencing setbacks will help that.

 

[ellebelle]

No, I believe this is perfectly normal for someone recovering from these types of attacks. I was raped at fourteen in my own home by an older guy that friends brought over (while they were there) and then 'drunk raped' again multiple times throughout my teenage years...

I have ALWAYS had problems with men. Though as I've gotten older, I'm now much better at having workers in my home, but when I was younger I would go into fits of panic attacks, just the same as you. If I feel at all uneasy, I just go somewhere else until they are finished.. If they are spraying indoors, I'll go outside, and vice versa... Though this is easier for me as I can get in my car and leave if necessary. However, asking your mom to reschedule is completely understandable, even if you feel bad about it. Please don't beat yourself up over this, as it's not a 'mental issue,' and I would strongly suggest seeking counseling as this sounds like only a recent incident..

I still cannot have a man touch me without internally cringing and flinching away. Not a pastor, not a therapist, not a doctor; my husband is the only man I truly feel safe with..

 

[lil_fighter]

My therapist last week said to me "Well..you say life is ok now, but it's not is it?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

She said "Well, I think that you not letting the workmen in is avoidance and I must stress any avoidance is bad. Maybe you should try opening the door to them next time."

:( I started crying a little but tried to hide it, she apologised and said she didn't mean to put pressure on me. I smiled and pretended everything was fine. I woke up the next morning feeling really low, like being back at square one, aware that I wasn't 'ok' even though I thought I was.

 

[ellebelle]

Maybe you aren't ready for that yet.. But then again, I'm surely no therapist...?

 

[Taven Carlsen]

She said "Well, I think that you not letting the workmen in is avoidance and I must stress any avoidance is bad. Maybe you should try opening the door to them next time."

You're feeling too down on yourself about it, but yes that is avoidance. Don't take a risk of re-traumatizing yourself but if you have "backup" you can do your own "exposure treatment." Slowly.

 

[Hashi]

My therapist last week said to me "Well..you say life is ok now, but it's not is it?"
... I started crying a little but tried to hide it... I smiled and pretended everything was fine. I woke up the next morning feeling really low, like being back at square one, aware that I wasn't 'ok' even though I thought I was.

If OK to ask, how do you think it would feel if you let yourself cry in front of your therapist and didn't try to hide it? Didn't pretend everything was fine? Maybe she can help you more with this if you could feel able to share with her how you're really feeling. It sounds like her question was mabye about trying to get through the brave face you're putting on, so you can work on this together.

 

[lil_fighter]

My therapist has been away for two weeks so I haven't had a session since that last one I talked about in this thread.

You could be right, Hashi, maybe she was trying to get through the brave face - she didn't respond with a smile when I was smiling trying to hide my feelings, so she obviously could see I was hiding my true feelings. To be honest, I have never felt that comfortable with this therapist. I have cried in front of her once it was ok but another therapist I had last year (where I used to live at the time) for an issue linked to my abusive father was so much easier to talk to in comparison and in my opinion much more perceptive.

As the sessions are coming to a close, I have been tempted to call and say that I am fine and don't need anymore therapy. Over the past two weeks, I have faced the workmen (as in I have resisted hiding in my bedroom and I have seen them) and realised that there was nothing to worry about, they seemed pleasant but I would be very uncomfortable if my mum went out and left me in the house with them - that hasn't changed.

 

[Noa]

Since the incident with that guy only happened recently, you are still vulnerable. That is why I suggest that you tell your mother about your anxiety and don't be alone with them. There is no reason for you to torture your self. Right now its better if you're not alone in a house with men you don't know.

 

[kers]

I hate having workmen in my home, too. I live alone but I put on a fake wedding ring when I have strangers in the house and make sure there is a picture of me with a guy on the fridge.

Being concerned about strangers in the house is something many women feel uncomfortable about--not just those of us with PTSD! I am glad that you are feeling a little better about it, but as Noa says, if you are uncomfortable, that is okay. You can ask your mom or someone else to be with you. I often arrange for people to call me on the phone when I have workmen in the house (and more than once I have staged a phone call to my "husband"). I also make sure the blinds and windows are open, so I feel less trapped.