I Feel Guilty Like I'm Using Ptsd As An Excuse....

[NotMyWorld]

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know what I suffer is real, but sometimes I get down on myself for snapping at my husband and or someone else or behaving in some other inappropriate way and chalking it up to PTSD. What if it's not the disorder? What if I really am just being rude or mean? I mean, I've always been one to tell people to be strong and not make excuses and here I am pointing so many of my problems on something that happened so very long ago.

I certainly do not in any way mean to minimize ANYBODY'S trauma. I know the serious effects of my own trauma, I just berate myself for not being able to control it better. I get so angry at people who make excuses for not working, or being on welfare, having disastrous relationship after disastrous relationship because that is how I was raised...everybody making excuses. I made it through somehow, despite my trauma, so I feel like other people who haven't suffered shouldn't make excuses and actually try, then maybe this is all because of my trauma.

Maybe I succeed because of the drive to get as far away from my childhood as possible? Then again have I even succeeded? My life is a total mess. My children are too young to understand what I am going through, I hide as much from them as I can. But how do I get a grip on this before my own scars become theirs? I think having children is a major trigger in the last 3 years. I thought I had it under control. Now all I can think of is how my actions will affect them and how to know when it's the disease or just me being weak. Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[Tinyflame]

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know what I suffer is real, but sometimes I get down on myself for snapping at my husband and or someone else or behaving in some other innapropriate way and chaulking it up to PTSD. .. Here I am pointing so many of my problems on something that happened so very long ago.. I know the serious effects of my own trauma, I just berate myself for not being able to control it better. .I hide as much from them as I can, but How do I get a grip on this before my own scars become theirs?.. Now all I can think of is how my actions will affect them

I do feel the way that you've stated above in your quote.

I don't wonder if what has happened, that it is real or I am making it up, as some have said they have that feeling.
I know what occurred.

But, if I still cause hardship of some type on others, or my reactions do, when does it become just an unacceptable excuse?

 

[NotMyWorld]

I am causing harships... I just don't know how to stop these reflex reactions to the smallest things. I can't be excused if I cause my children mental harm because i can't "be nice" I try as much as possible to stay out of the room they are in when I get over emotional. They are 14 months and 3 1/2 years old. but someday soon they are going to realize something is wrong with Mommy. I can't live with myself for inflicting my pain on them. I have to find a way to better myself and better control my moods around them. If they get to a point where I just think I might yell I tell my husband I need a time out and take a half an hour to go sit in the hammock you see in my profile picture. Funny huh? I live in paradise. Thats my back yard... Paradise and most days I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell. That's where I came up with my screen name. I live here, but It's Not My World.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hugs to you, NotMyWorld, that's why they offer the :alien: emoticon here, I think most of us feel it's not our planet ("just visiting" :) ).

 

[NotMyWorld]

Thank you. :) it feels better to know I'm not the only one who feels these things. It's tough when those around you don't understand. I'm very glad I found this forum today. An outlet can't be a bad thing right? :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

NotMyWorld, also, it's VERY important that you do whatever is necessary to keep yourself alive for your family's sake, especially your children.
(And for that matter, am sure when you got married your H and yourself would never have thought of S or you giving up as one of your shared mutual goals or plans for the future.)

You sound like a great mom trying to do the best you can.

A spouse, a mom, or a dad can get ill with anything, at any time. And many frequently do.

I don't think that in and of itself has to be an all-encompassing traumatic experience for a child.
If they are assured that they are not the cause, most will become if anything more compassionate to others and more mature.

It is a little different for me, as I am single/ no kids, so maybe I don't deserve to speak on it, but I remember as a child. Not sure if my dad had ptsd, but he certainly fits all descriptions nowadays.

I didn't love him any less, however, he/that was just 'dad'. If anything, there were times I thought, "poor dad".
To this day I think that's part of what allows me to approach people (to give support) whom others might not/ would be afraid to.

 

[NotMyWorld]

I might be misinterperating your "Keep yourself alive comment" If I am excuse me please. I'm not in any danger of hurting myself in anyway physically. Suicide is not an option for me. I would never want to do that to my children although I'm sure many of us have those days where we want to crawl under the sheets and never wake up. I do however need to keep myself healthier. It's so difficult to go for a jog or the gym when every muscle in your body aches and you just feel like hell slapped you in the face. More work in progress.

 

[missmary]

Hi Notmyworld, I completely get how you feel. I often feel that way too- pretty regularly actually. My T says that that's because my trauma makes me feel that way. You have to be kind and gentle to yourself. You deserve to heal, and what you are feeling is a part of that. So long as you are proactive and genuinely working through your issues, it's not an excuse. It's a process.

I have to remind myself that my mood swings- might not be mood swings but legitament feelings! They may be exagerated because of the PTSD, but they are often valid in someway. Part of the process is discovering the middle between feeling SO much and not feeling at all. That's my problem. All North, or ALL south- never middle area. It's all black, or all white- never a gray area. I'm learning to find that gray area.

If nothing else, you aren't alone in what is happening with you inside. I know that I struggle with an attitude and crabby/snappy demeanor when in all reality it's not that serious. This is learning, such is life! And yes, it's IS the PTSD. I deserve to know that and own that. So do you.

 

[NotMyWorld]

If nothing else, you aren't alone in what is happening with you inside. I know that I struggle with an attitude and crabby/snappy demeanor when in all reality it's not that serious. This is learning, such is life! And yes, it's IS the PTSD. I deserve to know that and own that. So do you.

Thank you, I do feel that way and I suppose that you are right. I definately need to work on finding that grey area. I feel a lot better today mentally, and I felt much better today Physically but a few hours into my day and I'm feeling sick all over again, every muscle aches and I feel fever flashes although I do not have a temperature, my IBS is a contant in my life and a lack any apetite. Man... If I could just get a day where I felt good for once. Mentaly and physically.

 

[missmary]

Well, I am glad that you are feeling better today! That's a huge plus!! We can both move on knowing that BOTH need to find the gray area, my friend. As abnormal as this is- it's pretty normal. The trauma you suffered is abnormal. The responses you are having to it IS normal. At least that's my T tells me!

Have you tried medication or teas or anything to help with the physical symptoms you are having? I'm sorry to hear how uncomfortable it's making you.

 

[NotMyWorld]

I've tried everything from diet and exercise which is just miserable, though I always eat healthy, Multi-vitamins, ginger Tea, Activated Charcoal, I drink watermelon, cucumber, spinach, coconut water smoothie nearly every day (has all 5 NATURAL electrolytes) I eat lower amounts of gassy foods or red meat, lots of chicken, I'm 5'6" 113 lbs., I get plenty of sun but not too much (vitamin D is good for you) I read, yoga, don't drink much, I do tend to take pain killers now and then but I really try not to. It’s too easy to want them all the time and I can get them over the counter here in Costa Rica. They make the Physical pain go away but I do know how easily I can fall into taking them all the time. My husband keeps them for me and I ask him for them when I really need them. I'm aware of my problem that if I have them at hand I'll take them. I avoid it. I do take Ciplopram on a regular basis, Valium once in a while if I really need to mellow the hell out but other than that I’m open to any ideas you might have.

I'm going to go get a massage today. I killed it on my sales at work this week so I deserve it. Yes. a deep tissue will be nice I think. :)

 

[Taven Carlsen]

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know what I suffer is real, but sometimes I get down on myself for ... behaving in some ... inappropriate way and chalking it up to PTSD. What if it's not the disorder?

... that is how I was raised...everybody making excuses. I made it through somehow, despite my trauma ...

Sounds familiar, one of the defining features of The Crazy Times was that my mother never took responsibility for anything. It's a strange and striking pattern to watch like a paintbrush across the timeline, starting then. Nothing but excuses.

OTOH I tried hard to have a double standard: The highest standard for myself, but for others more a standard like "of course there are things you can't handle, you're trying too hard." Like you say above "I shouldn't feel this way" because the reasonable standard is... uh... reasonable... for everyone.

But now that I think back through this I remember another reason for my stringency: I was in serious physical danger a lot, and if I wasn't perfectly controlled I would've been injured far more seriously than I already was. Were you in direct physical danger a lot NotMyWorld? Walking through a house of spinning blades will teach you an overly careful step.