Hi, guys.
I'm not sure about posting this. I know I'm probably going to come across as a complete drama queen and a time waster, but I need to let this out. It'll most likely be my only post, so please bear with me.
I'll give you a bit of background first:
I was a very sickly kid. Was all but dead at least once and spent a lot of my early years in hospital. Of course, I grew up thinking this was normal, so I had quite a happy childhood until I was about eight.
At that point I was raped by a close friend of the family. He seemed to like it and rape became a regular feature of my life until I hit puberty and he lost interest.
Secondary school was fairly hellish, as I was bullied mercilessly. Looking back now, I can see that I was a really creepy dork and kinda deserved it.
Anyway, I finished school, went to university and had a great time.
After that I joined up and did five years as a Squaddie. I did three years in the Royal Corps of Signals and two years infantry. Sadly, at that point I picked up a leg injury that left me practically useless to the Army. I became obsessed with the idea that a medical discharge was coming my way and got very, very depressed. In the end I resigned in the hope that I could go away, get fixed and come back. It hasn't worked out that way just yet, but never mind.
I went to work for Her Majesty's Coastguard and have been there for a few years now, largely because my application to the Royal Navy is taking rather a long time due to my medical history.
Anyway, here's the thing:
I was doing pretty well until recently when two RAF Tornado aircraft collided over my patch of sea.
I've never been so upset by a SAR mission before. I'm a pilot myself and the aviation community where I live is pretty small. That and the fact that I work very closely with the RAF everyday seemed to make this one particularly stressful, even though we've had much 'worse' since I've worked here.
Sadly only one of the four aircrew survived.
I don't feel like I've been quite right since then (about two months ago). I keep crying all the time and can't stop think about every SAR mission I've been involved in that didn't have a happy ending. I keep remembering the voices of casualties on the radio.
Other stuff from years ago keeps bugging me, too. Stuff from when I was a kid, a few things from the army.
I sometimes think about shooting myself. It's not that I want to die, but there's so much stuff and so many dead people bouncing around in my head that I really feel that a little hole in my skull would make me feel much better. I know that's crazy talk, which is why I hope letting it out here will help.
Anyway, I'm really sorry for wasting your time with my silly hysterics. I won't bother you again, but thanks so much for being here so I can post this somewherw.
I'm not sure about posting this. I know I'm probably going to come across as a complete drama queen and a time waster, but I need to let this out. It'll most likely be my only post, so please bear with me.
I'll give you a bit of background first:
I was a very sickly kid. Was all but dead at least once and spent a lot of my early years in hospital. Of course, I grew up thinking this was normal, so I had quite a happy childhood until I was about eight.
At that point I was raped by a close friend of the family. He seemed to like it and rape became a regular feature of my life until I hit puberty and he lost interest.
Secondary school was fairly hellish, as I was bullied mercilessly. Looking back now, I can see that I was a really creepy dork and kinda deserved it.
Anyway, I finished school, went to university and had a great time.
After that I joined up and did five years as a Squaddie. I did three years in the Royal Corps of Signals and two years infantry. Sadly, at that point I picked up a leg injury that left me practically useless to the Army. I became obsessed with the idea that a medical discharge was coming my way and got very, very depressed. In the end I resigned in the hope that I could go away, get fixed and come back. It hasn't worked out that way just yet, but never mind.
I went to work for Her Majesty's Coastguard and have been there for a few years now, largely because my application to the Royal Navy is taking rather a long time due to my medical history.
Anyway, here's the thing:
I was doing pretty well until recently when two RAF Tornado aircraft collided over my patch of sea.
I've never been so upset by a SAR mission before. I'm a pilot myself and the aviation community where I live is pretty small. That and the fact that I work very closely with the RAF everyday seemed to make this one particularly stressful, even though we've had much 'worse' since I've worked here.
Sadly only one of the four aircrew survived.
I don't feel like I've been quite right since then (about two months ago). I keep crying all the time and can't stop think about every SAR mission I've been involved in that didn't have a happy ending. I keep remembering the voices of casualties on the radio.
Other stuff from years ago keeps bugging me, too. Stuff from when I was a kid, a few things from the army.
I sometimes think about shooting myself. It's not that I want to die, but there's so much stuff and so many dead people bouncing around in my head that I really feel that a little hole in my skull would make me feel much better. I know that's crazy talk, which is why I hope letting it out here will help.
Anyway, I'm really sorry for wasting your time with my silly hysterics. I won't bother you again, but thanks so much for being here so I can post this somewherw.
