Gaslighting: Protecting Yourself

[BloomInWinter]

There's another article here that hits too close to home.

"The intention is to, in a systematic way, target the victim’s mental equilibrium, self confidence, and self esteem so that they are no longer able to function in an independent way. Gaslighting involves the abuser to frequently and systematically withhold factual information from the victim, and replacing it with false information. Because of it’s subtly, this cunning Machiavellian behaviour is a deeply insidious set of manipulations that is difficult for anybody to work out, and with time it finally undermines the mental stability of the victim. That is why it is such a dangerous form of abuse. The emotional damage of Gaslighting is huge on the narcissistic victim. When they are exposed to it for long enough, they begin to lose their sense of their own self. Unable to trust their own judgments, they start to question the reality of everything in their life. They begin to find themselves second-guessing themselves, and this makes them become very insecure around their decision making, even around the smallest of choices. The victim becomes depressed and withdrawn, they become totally dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality. In effect the gaslighting turns the victim’s reality on its head." Source - [DLMURL]http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome[/DLMURL]

Co-dependents are easily identified and manipulated by narcissists...and their children are raised to obey that programming, I think.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My dad was FURIOUS when I broke free...and he never stopped torturing my sisters to try to get me back to living in his false reality.

I doubt I'll ever get over feeling guilty for not getting them outta there. It's such a relief to have him dead.

 

[Philippa]

That was a helpful link Bloomin'. It also reminded me of a woman I lived with years ago, who acted out these behaviours on me quite a lot. I was the one who got accused of being the narcissist though, funnily enough. Think I need to visit my diary for this one...

 

[Philippa]

Do you think standing up to a narcissist can really transform a relationship? I was reading a website of a couple out there on the internet who claim they managed to come out the other end of the black hole of a Narcissistic/co-dependant relationship, and she says she did it by continuing to stand up to him and stand her ground.

I came to the same conclusion that this is what I needed to do with my father and things would change...but they didn't. he didn't take anything I said seriously, even when I was point blank direct and blunt with him every step of the way? I guess it's a different dynamic alltogether when it's father daughter, as opposed to partners in a marriage, with a child.

Therapists and psychologists go to this woman for help on how to help their clients and their own relationships though?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Great question!

Now, you mentioned two different outcomes;

1) Will it change the relationship
2) Will it change the narcissist...or whoever the 'unhealthy...for me' person is

I absolutely know the relationship dynamic can be changed, because it has for me.

Changing that person, however? Rarely. I think it's not worth any effort towards that goal.

Firming up my boundaries and really lowering my tolerance for their bad behavior worked for me.

For my family, they lived in a bizarre world where the co-dependents were always excusing their behavior. When a healthy person sees that world, the reject that fake world and point out the strangeness. ..and are promptly attacked by the co-dependents.

The Emperor who wore no clothes was likely a narcissist...and his whole community, the compliant co-dependents. The boy who pointed out the obvious had good boundaries and trusted his own senses.

I think it's a good goal to learn how to not participate in a sick world view as much as possible. When that person is the boss, however, all we can aim for is trying to not draw attention while keeping ourselves sane.

Once I accepted that my aunt, father, and their co-dependents would never change, I knew every minute giving them another chance instead of seeking out healthier people was a waste of my life.

Now that the narcissists are dead, their co-dependents are a mess. I am too, but not nearly to the same degree.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I came to the same conclusion that this is what I needed to do with my father and things would change...but they didn't. he didn't take anything I said seriously, even when I was point blank direct and blunt with him every step of the way?

But the relationship DID change. You were no longer his compliant ego food!

Every time you Stand up for yourself, you are taking your power away from him and giving it back to yourself!

Of course he won't treat you any differently, since he is never wrong. But that doesn't mean he wins....because now you are free to trust yourself and make your own choices.

 

[Philippa]

Well, I just finished typing out a rather long letter to my mother, after she replied to my email by telling me that she was a great mother and basically saying that she doesn't need a book to tell her how to communicate because she relates to everyone else with excellence (so therefore I must be the one with the problem), and that I have lost 18 years of my life warring with them for no reason, and that my letter expressing my feelings of betrayal and hurt was "destructive" and I should not send her any more emails like that...but that it is up to me where to go from here.

I said a lot of stuff, and spent a lot of time toning it down and editing it, as I was seething with fury for a long time, and still have chronic pain and tension in my upper spine at the base of my neck.

It was still quite angry, but I feel like I did a good enough job of communicating in an honest but non attacking way, though I am sure she will find something to say about it and not like it. She seems to think that I think she needs to be perfect, and that she has no idea why I would be angry that she once again made a promise to me that she didn't follow through with.

Her way of justifying her behavior and making me out to be the one with the issue is truly astounding.

 

[Philippa]

Every time you Stand up for yourself, you are taking your power away from him and giving it back to yourself!

Yes, you're right. I've been doing all the right things. Can't say I'm feeling much more than just miserable right now...but, I know that I am making progress in that area.

Of course he won't treat you any differently, since he is never wrong. But that doesn't mean he wins....because now you are free to trust yourself and make your own choices.

I am getting better at trusting myself, having cleared mostly all people who make me second guess myself from my reality.

I feel like I have accepted that my father will never change. I still had a little bit of a smidgeon of hope for my mother, but only because she seemed so sincere that she was willing to change, and even said so in a letter a few months ago.

She said she would run right out and buy the book on emotional abuse I recommended her, and still hasn't and had no intention of ever doing it...and can't work out why I'm angry as hell?

She's clueless.

I love her...sorta, but she's clueless.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Really, the best way to win that conflict with your Mom...is to stop trying. My best suggestion is to stop any communications that require 'explaining' and just doing ones which express your specific wishes. I.E., 'I'd like to meet you for dinner at 6:00 on thurs. Would you like to do that?' or 'Please do not bring the topic up again. Thanks.'

We can't change the way our loved ones see their world, but we're not obligated to see it their way, either. Nor are we ever likely to be able to fix them. They have to do that for themselves...freeing us from the responsibilty of saving them.

The dysfunctional family dynamic continues as long as we keep trying to explain ourselves while expecting a different result from them. Expecting that no change will happen, and focusing on just a safe, superficial relationship helps us stop getting our old wounds ripped open, or getting new ones...and also allows us to make some more neutral memories.

 

[Philippa]

I guess that is where I've been having the trouble. The safe, superficial relationship always seems to end up with me getting some sort of shit flung at me, and then they can't work out why I retreat. We see things in such a vastly different way, that I have real trouble even wanting to be around them, and the more they behave like this, the less respect I have for them.

The last time I did the safe superficial relationship with my mother, I ended up sleeping at an airport and having her ignore me for a whole year, and my brothers shaming me after she told them all what a horrible lunatic I am, and didn't mention her own behavior. My crime...placing up boundaries just like you mentioned, asking her not to talk about certain stuff with me anymore.

I know I can't change them, and I'm having trouble seeing where I have been fixing them, but maybe that's a projection of mine, as I was pointing out to my mother that she was fixing the whole me and my father thing against the agreement we had made, which is what ticked me off in the first place.

Now it feels like so much stuff has happened, and I've been doing the no contact thing with my father for a year and a bit, and he is still desperate to make contact again. Are you saying just to turn around and forget all that and just give him what he wants...because a superficial relationship is all he can manage anyway? I'm confused. If I go back now, he is just going to punish me for making him wait and for 'causing the destruction of the relationship'

I do hear that what you are saying is the best way to tackle the dysfunctional relationship, and I can see that I fell back into explaining to her, after she asked me what I want from her, and why I am angry. I thought I was just expressing my feelings? I don't think I am trying to fix her though, or at least, I can't see where I might be doing that? I'm usually keenly aware that it isn't up to me to save anyone, and let them have their own experience.

All I want is for her to own her side of things and stop making it out like I am the one destroying the relationship for being honest with them.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm sorry....my communication is definitely not good these days. I didn't mean that you weren't already doing great in a very difficult situation!

All I want is for her to own her side of things and stop making it out like I am the one destroying the relationship for being honest with them.

My only point is that it's normal to want this, but you'll attain more peace and safety once you accept that this really isn't likely to happen. You can keep trying new things....but it's not within anyone's human power to make her change and time spent trying to get validation from someone clearly unable or unwilling to give it is more likely to lead to repeated heartbreak over and over.

 

[Philippa]

You're right, and I know it too. I don't understand why I keep going to all this effort and expending so much energy when I know this to be true in my heart of hearts? It's like a compulsion I have to try anyway, knowing that it's fruitless.

Maybe I do like conflict, like she keeps telling me? I get people saying that to me, but I think really it's not that I like it...I definitely don't.

Conflict is uncomfortable, but I recognise it as a growth opportunity, if both parties can be civil and communicate. Unfortunately, it never seems to be that we can get on the same wavelength long enough to be able to.