Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[Shellbell]

I mean, you can intellectually put the person out of your mind, but if you are carrying around anger or hatred in your cellular memory, then how can you feel at peace unless those feelings are released?

I agree with this too. I don't want any residue of negative emotion left. Releasing it completely - I am hopeful I will one day be able to do this.

 

[Philippa]

I agree with this too. I don't want any residue of negative emotion left. Releasing it completely - I am hopeful I will one day be able to do this.

Me too. I mean, I'm sure it might feel to the person, that just dismissing the abuser alltogether is enough, and because they aren't thinking about them that it means they aren't still being affected...but on a feeling level I question whether that is actually true, and not just something the person is able to block out via sophisticated defense mechanisms?

For me though, I would rather have zero emotional residue left in my body that is affecting my health on levels I am not even aware of. I want to be conscious.

Shellbell, do you use EFT at all? It can really help with releasing from a cellular level.

 

[p-no]

But in the term 'letting it go' - it has to be all absolutely gone to have true inner peace, with no niggling emotions, or negative residue left.

That is not really part of the way I understand the term forgiveness. In my view, and in my experience, it can not be all absolutely (taking this literal and serious) gone and have true (again) inner peace... That abuse was part of my life and the abusers, too. I will not forget the abuse and neither the abusers. They will always be "negative", because they were.

Again, this is my reality. I do not claim that anyone else's is the same.

 

[Shellbell]

Shellbell, do you use EFT at all? It can really help with releasing from a cellular level.

I haven't used EFT, I am only right at the very start of therapy. But it is something I am interested in.

I think I will read up on that - thank you :tup:

 

[Philippa]

That is not really part of the way I understand the term forgiveness. In my view, and in my experience, it can not be all absolutely (taking this literal and serious) gone and have true (again) inner peace... That abuse was part of my life and the abusers, too. I will not forget the abuse and neither the abusers. They will always be "negative", because they were.

Again, this is my reality. I do not claim that anyone else's is the same.

I think that it's true that your abuse causes your psyche to change in ways it may never have had you not been through what you went through, and that is not something that can change, but as far as having to hold onto the bad feelings that accompany abuse, I think that once you have gone through all those feelings, it is possible to let them go, though it isn't always easy.

I've realised in the last couple of years that I have been addicted to the pain and that is a very hard thing to release ones self from because it changes the chemistry in our brains. The more time I spend away from my narcissistic father, the more space I have to allow myself to experience life without that dynamic, so it gives my brain the chance to form new neural pathways that are not constantly wanting that 'fix' for pain that I got used to. In that way I can start to feel new things...but I'm not sure I can be rid of that pain for ever, so that is a good point you bring up prime-no.

 

[Shellbell]

I agree the situation will always be a negative one. But our emotions and our response to it don't have to be negative forever.

There are many people who's experience of forgiveness or letting it all go - have got them to a point where the past no longer controls their emotions in any negative way, they no longer hold onto fear, bitterness, resentment, hate etc - because that is still giving the abuser control over the person's life.

I would to think that my abusers will not still control my life in any way in the future. Whether that's truly achievable is a different thing.

 

[Philippa]

Well if others have done it, then I don't see any reason why everyone cannot. Maybe it just takes more time for some than it does for others? It's something worth working towards though, I'm with you there.

 

[p-no]

as far as having to hold onto the bad feelings that accompany abuse, I think that once you have gone through all those feelings, it is possible to let them go,

I agree, and I think my post does not contradict this. We may have to define what "negative" means to each of us.

I wasn't really speaking about pain, but about the fact that the abuse and abusers will always be regarded as "negative", never as "neutral" or "good" by me. And that is a good thing, as far as I'm concerned. So, I was really trying to say that my experiences, including those "negatives" can never be absolutely gone, because "absolutely" in my understanding is "absolutely", 100%, totally. That, in my view, is not possible. I would have to erase all the abuse and abusers from my hard drives (brain, body and soul) and that will not happen. And that's okay.

 

[Philippa]

Ah, ok I understand. You're saying that the people associated with your abuse will forever remain in a negative light...and of course that is understandable. It is very hard to recall any positives in people who cause us so much damage.

 

[Shellbell]

Ah, ok I understand. You're saying that the people associated with your abuse will forever remain in a negative light...and of course that is understandable. It is very hard to recall any positives in people who cause us so much damage.

Yes i agree too, I don't believe finding inner peace and letting go of my past has to include any positive feelings about the abusers - definitely not. But how I respond to my past doesn't have to be negatively forever.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, that is how I understand things as well shellbell.:)

 

[ms spock]

Me too. I mean, I'm sure it might feel to the person, that just dismissing the abuser alltogether is enough, and because they aren't thinking about them that it means they aren't still being affected...but on a feeling level I question whether that is actually true, and not just something the person is able to block out via sophisticated defense mechanisms?

What you are talking about here is disassociation, derealisation, depersonalisation, denial and repression which is very different from letting go.