Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[Philippa]

It just confirms my thinking about so many police. They may go into the force with good intentions, but they become pretty corrupt when authority is given to them after not long. Not all of them of course.

As shellbell states, there are some who are good...and it's unfortunate that they have to be surrounded by so many corrupt people, on top of the heinous things they have to deal with on a daily basis.

I've always thought that many cops are really kids that got bullied at school, and that planted a seed in them that one day they would be the ones in charge and in power, and they woul dget back at the people who hurt them...only they end up taking it out on completely different people, and the ones that hurt them never even realise what they did, or receive their wrath.

It's just so messed up, and please be kind to yourself brat...you're not stupid.

 

[mamachick]

shellbell you are very wise. I am sure that your husband is a wonderful man and would never do such things. I believe you. I do know some very nice officers myself. But I am so ashamed I dont talk to them either. I guess Im afraid they think their buds are right or something. Actually, when I see any officer I have anxiety, I know it is not rational but think they all know Im the one who got abused and that the buddy laughs in the locker room about it. Our area is extremely mysoginistic .

I am glad that given ptsd that you have a wonderful husband too, and I do believe that if you have a good man that happens to be an officer, I think they are good protectors of their families (from what I have witnessed). My second husband is a decent man. He was never protective or available though. I felt like the lone ranger protecting three daughters from the world. He is the kind of guy that has no idea of his own, scratches his balls while he controls the tv remote. Never available for a medical appt, forgot marraige counseling, etc. Its funny how we think a guy is good just because he doesnt abuse us. My daughter has expressed how she has felt as neglected as I. Once she called him with a flat tire and he said "well I dont know what to tell you"-I was out of town and she was 16 in a bad neighborhood where we both worked and it was dark.

I think that when you have someone that loves you and shows you -life can be much more bearable. Even when I was under the delusion that I was loved, it seems like I had more hopes and enthusiasm. No matter how terrible a day was, I knew that I could share at the end of it. When something good happened, I would anticipate sharing that too. When they were struggling, my life had purpose in being there for them.

Sorry to get so off the subject. I have been awake all night. I dont usually fall asleep until daylight but I have an appointment today so I m afraid if I sleep now I wont wake up for it, so just staying up. I do that a couple days a week in order to function on the schedule of the world.

You are so wise about not dwelling. We will forgive when we are ready for it. The more positive our life becomes, the more we let go. Success and happiness is the best therapy. There have been people that I thought I would not forgive, as I learned about their illness and put myself in their situation (even though they abused me), one day I realized that I had forgiven. It was not overnight, but over years.

(hugs)))

 

[mamachick]

Phillippa-we must have posted at about the same time as I did not see yours earlier. I do think you are right on with your theory. I think that is true for many cops.

I also agree that many do go into the force with good intent and very respectfully, like many professions, they want to make a difference. One issue I do see though, compared to other professions/jobs, there is a blue shield, and I would not be able to do that job for that reason alone.

You have a partner, and you need to know that they have your back-always and unconditionally. Once on the force and you experience how things work, others temperment, etc, you learn that you do not tell on your fellow employees no matter what. From everything that I have ever learned, you do not blow the whistle.

If you are a nurse and know a co-worker is stealing the patients drugs, do you tell? If you are a therapist and discover a co worker is sleeping with clients or breaching confidentiality? McDonalds and stealing from the register? It is as though if a cop did this, he would be blackballed from the rest of the force.

Even when abuse is committed by one and it goes to trial, not unusual that the partner will also lie. They sometimes get busted together for lying, like when a video shows up and shows they both lied. Of all the cases I have read, I have never read one where the partner said-nope, my partner beat the crap out of....used excessive force.... When does that happen?

I think a partner might be more likely to pull his partner back than to report. Ideally, they should confront the other first if there is an issue that needs resolved, at least in many cases. But if it is evident that the others behavior is out of line-it does need reported to superiors. It diminishes respect for the entire profession when is not and when they lie for each other. Its often not just the cops though, prosecutors and magistrates will often go along with what they know to be a lie. Ewww. I am still trying to have some amount of trust in such officials. I know some prosecutors too that I think would do the right thing, at least Im pretty sure they might confront the issue privately. I hope so. I am feeling so screwed up to think that so many are bad-there must be some that have the guts to go out on a limb for the right thing.

 

[Shellbell]

There are good and bad people throughout every profession. There are corrupt police, corrupt judges, legal representatives, corruption is a fact of life and it is really wrong. And when we are exposed negatively to this, it can distort our judgement and that's really understandable. It's something we need to work on as it causes us harm to think this way.

But, I do believe there are more good police than bad. Does it mean I trust every single one, absolutely not. But then I have trust issues full stop. I have a hard time trusting anyone. But I do know the Police do a good job overall and they risk their lives sometimes in protecting us. They deserve respect overall for doing a difficult and often thankless job.

 

[mamachick]

shellbell-I do think you are right. I think one bad cop stands out more than 10 bad nurses-not worse that at all, just more obvious. If grandma is in the hospital and staff steals her meds (happens too often), often it may go unnoticed for a long time. Those who are victim of police abuse know it immediately.

They risk their lives too often, and for too little pay. I do think they should be paid more and maybe the requirements should be a bit tougher, but also feel that about daycare and other professions. Some jobs it seems less lethal. Cops have a lot of responsibility, but then they also have a gun and badge and rule when they are on duty.

On this topic, I am also a bit self focused (though do not mean to be). I know there are times when a suspect runs and cops have to chase and they reisist and cop does not know what he is going into. There are circumstances that call for split second decisions. I dont think 110 lb 50 yr old woman who has mediated for others for a profession and is sitting on the floor is any threat to anyones well being.

None of us are perfect in life or our job and we all make mistakes. I knew of a collegue T who breached confidentiality at least 40 times , has sexual addiction, sexually abused clients. Most T's in town knew but did not confront. I did confront him. I also reported him because he justified it rather than seeking help. I did not ask to be in this position, but I do know right from wrong-and do no harm first and foremost.