Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[ms spock]

I don't see how peace can occur without at least some sense of forgiveness though. I mean, you can intellectually put the person out of your mind, but if you are carrying around anger or hatred in your cellular memory, then how can you feel at peace unless those feelings are released?

Once again what you are talking about is on the level of denial, disassociation and repression has nothing to do with letting it go and acceptance. I am not talking about repressing anger, or hatred, revenge, retaliation or acting out in relation to your abusers/family/perpetrator.

I think that these are important things to tease out.

 

[p-no]

It is very hard to recall any positives in people who cause us so much damage.

No, that is not what I meant. I do recall positives of many of my abusers, if by "positives" you mean times when they were being actually nice, good traits in their personalities, etc. That's been hard on me ever since that my abusers were people and not monsters.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I challenge any of you to pick any significant event in your life and tell me you have no emotion whatsoever regarding that event.

You can't do it. And if you can, you're in denial, detached from your feelings, dissociated perhaps?

I don't get it. Half of being happy is knowing what sadness feels like. I don't think healing is getting rid of those negative emotions. I think it's learning how to handle them so they don't destroy your life, being able to live with the bad and the good.

And my molester isn't forgiven, yet when I say this the assumption is that I'm harboring hate toward her. I'm not. From the moment I reported her, my healing is about me. I don't think it's possible for me to ever have no emotion toward her. Emotion is what makes us human. It blows my mind that anyone would want to eliminate these emotions. And, an impossible task at that.

 

[Tanishq]

Dear Shellbell :hug:

Yes, I am in same condition like lotf of people have stated here. I do feel hard to forgive my parents. I do forgive them for some time, then I would be thinking let me show them by leaving them for forever. have some revenge. I know this all is negative but I don't know what to do or how to forgive them. :confused:

 

[Shellbell]

I do really understand that forgiveness, letting it all go, having no negative emotions - however is easiest to term it - is a really difficult concept. But there are people who say they have truly achieved this. And they often call it forgiveness. They have peace about it.

It blows my mind that anyone would want to eliminate these emotions. And, an impossible task at that.

I do definitely want to have no negative emotions towards the abusers. Having negative emotions means they still have some control over my life and having negative emotions towards them only causes me hurt.

For more than 20-30 years I have fought letting 'them' win and spoil my life. I was never going to be their victim. But I wasn't approaching that the right way. Ignoring what happened is what got me here with full on PTSD.

So now I am taking the 'processing the emotions' path and hope one day to achieve this. I do have hope that one day I will no longer have these negative emotions that affect my life adversely.

Letting it all go and having a peace about it is achievable. I really do believe that. But it is a really long hard process that we need to want to take and can only begin at the right time in the healing process.

 

[Shellbell]

I do forgive them for some time, then I would be thinking let me show them by leaving them for forever. have some revenge. I know this all is negative but I don't know what to do or how to forgive them. :confused:

I don't think it something that is achievable without having processed all the trauma first. And you and I are not in that place yet.

It isn't a necessary part of processing trauma either. But I feel it is necessary to have real true inner peace about it.

Hugs ((((Jaret)))):hug:

 

[Tanishq]

What you are talking about here is disassociation, derealisation, depersonalisation, denial and repression which is very different from letting go.

Hey Ms Spock, can you differentiate this two things clearly? with more specification?

Sorry, I am easily confused kind of man when I find tiny similarities in two things!

 

[Tanishq]

But I feel it is necessary to have real true inner peace about it.

Hugs ((((Jaret)))):hug:

Lots of truth in your post. This thread has many answers and I can see lots of things coming for us. Bright Hope to find a way :)

Do you know how we can achieve "real true inner peace"??

Of course I have answer, but it doesn't sound that easy. it's within you. Every day I give it a shot to find within.

Side note: Shellbell, I was wondering outside to get inner peace :laugh:

 

[ms spock]

I am not saying I have eliminated my emotions. I have learnt how to handle them so they don't destroy my life, being able to live with the bad and the good. And I never expected that the rest of it would slip away and not engage me in the way that it did.

Everyone is in a very different place with this stuff.

My point was that there is no right way or perfect way or proper way to do this. Each healing process, whilst similar in some ways, is also unique. Once we start binding ourselves to reach some perfection or almost unattainable goal we enslave in our selves to a level of unhappiness. It also undermines the organic nature of our own healing process, who knows what options in our hearts, souls and minds might arise.

At this time, in this point of my life I am not upset about the past.

I had accepted that my path in life was to tussle with this on a daily basis. But things have changed.

I am not perfect. I am not emotionless. I am not disassociated, derealised or depersonalised. It is a very different way to live life.

 

[Tanishq]

Perhaps because of trauma we find some emotions very hard to process. I have seen this in me, I find it hard to process some certain emotions.

 

[Tanishq]

My point was that there is no right way or perfect way or proper way to do this. Each healing process, whilst similar in some ways, is also unique. Once we start binding ourselves to reach some perfection or almost unattainable goal we enslave in our selves to a level of unhappiness. It also undermines the organic nature of our own healing process, who knows what options in our hearts, souls and minds might arise.

I am not perfect. I am not emotionless. I am not disassociated, derealised or depersonalised. It is a very different way to live life.

*Affirmative nod*

 

[Shellbell]

Yes I definitely agree that having an unrealistic goal can also be dangerous. It can set us up for unhappiness. But if I don't have that goal in the first place, I won't even try. I don't believe I have to achieve it to lead a happy life. But I want to achieve a real peace about it.

And yes we don't know what is possible in our hearts, minds and souls. Giving them limits, restricts them.

But this whole process is a step by step process and each one will be very different.

I'm not even trying to find forgiveness yet as I know I am absolutely not in the right place. Way too much therapy first. Lots of really hard times ahead, when forgiveness will be the last thing on my mind I am sure. I am not in denial about that. A grieving process yet to come also.

But it is in my future to try and the more I tell myself now that it can be possible in the future, the more chance I give myself. But having that real desire for this I think is key to it.

But I can only talk for me.

And everyone's view and opinion on this is valid and right for themselves :tup: :)