Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[Shellbell]

Shellbell I did it in bold to highlight or second your saying. Sorry! Should have spoke first.

That's okay Jaret, I don't mind you doing it at all. Just wondered how I might have done it when I didn't intend to. ;)

 

[Shellbell]

Anyway, I think forgiveness is a big step but when this happend for me it wasn't anything like how it's normally portrayed. I'm not religious or anything and it didn't feel spiritual. It was more like a relief that you've been waiting for so long it becomes almost imperceptible. I certainly didn't celebrate!! I did feel freer and more solid.

This is such a positive thing, I am really happy for you to have achieved this. That sense of relief must be a really wonderful!

One thing I don't like is being told to forgive, or people implying your not a good person etc. Also, Forgiveness is not about swopping positions or negating yourself somehow. Its about keeping your own integrity first and foremost.

I agree, it isn't about being told to, or feeling obliged to. It is about wanting to for yourself and being in the right place to.

Forgiving myself ( :sick::yuck: apologies for daytime therapy phrase) is a longer process and by far the most important. I didn't get it for ages or rather I told myself I did, 'of course I don't blame myself, I'm not stupid!' etc but as it actually sinks in it changes you. One of my recent 'revelations' is that I actually didn't know the words to describe my predicament, I could talk but I was also inarticulate' etc.

Yes , this is a good point - forgiveness for ourselves is so so important. And achieving this is more important. Thank you for reminding me of this.

 

[Shellbell]

Oops my quoting didn't go as I thought it would in the above post - so some of my comments have ended up in yours - sorry Springer80!!!

 

[Springer80]

Oops my quoting didn't go as I thought it would in the above post - so some of my comments have ended up in yours - sorry Springer80!!!

No worries, I won't be calling my lawyers! ;)

 

[Tanishq]

Thank you Shellbell. I got concerned what if that bothered you.

Shellbell, did you see one thing? we both made mistakes unknowingly in this thread. You did not mind this all, I wish it was this easy to forgive themselves including ourselves. Don't you think?

But yes, forgiveness is also big thing and long process. Admirable and priceless. God does forgive us for our mistakes. I have yelled at god, I am unharmed by god yet. I am a kid in god's eye and god is ocean of mercy. It is also interesting and makes our life live along with learning new lessons.

 

[Philippa]

Once again what you are talking about is on the level of denial, disassociation and repression has nothing to do with letting it go and acceptance. I am not talking about repressing anger, or hatred, revenge, retaliation or acting out in relation to your abusers/family/perpetrator.

I think that these are important things to tease out.

I must have misunderstood then.

 

[Philippa]

No, that is not what I meant. I do recall positives of many of my abusers, if by "positives" you mean times when they were being actually nice, good traits in their personalities, etc. That's been hard on me ever since that my abusers were people and not monsters.

I think I maybe meant that the negative memories can sometimes feel like they override the positive, when you're in the thick of it...not that there were no positives. Maybe I didn't phrase it well enough?

In any case, thankyou for explaining that to me.

 

[Springer80]

This is such a positive thing, I am really happy for you to have achieved this. That sense of relief must be a really wonderful!

Hey,

Its a funny thing but 'wonderful' yes and no. Its a slightly mournful thing in that all your really getting is being back to a state that most people unwittingly take for granted and it was so unfamiliar to me not to be consumed by a lack of forgiveness that it felt foreign. So I didn't have the 'welcome home sensation' or the 'victory at last' fist etc.

Also and this was a bit weird, that hate, vengefulness, defiance, need for justice....(cos it morphs over time) was actually something that kept me up, like scaffolding. For a long time I associated relinquishing that position with defeat or rather me remaining in an under dog position.

So the benefit for me was no longer being scared of a coward and not being consumed by a drive that had little bearing on my own aspirations.

 

[Red Feather]

I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if I repeat something someone already said. I am really grateful for Shellbell to have started this discussion. I really really struggle with the idea of forgiveness. I have had nightmares when God has ordered me to forgive and sleep with my ex. Sometimes it is really hard for me to differenciate the difference between forgiving and going back to him. So it kind of makes me feel trapped, especially when I am reminded by the concept that we need to forgive in order to heal.

I just would like to add to this by saying that actually forgiveness implies that something wrong has been done, and that the actions that were done, were WRONG. And that the person who is doing the "forgiving" can actually PERCEIVE this and see that differenciation. It means a differenciation between positive and negative, good or bad, light and darkness.

Often I have had no view of this, no way of differenciating what was wrong and what was right. I believed judgment was not part of my way of life. That Christianity and the concepts of good and evil are not only quite outdated, but also not relevant to my way of seeing the world and people who I love. Everything is just energy. But maybe the whole time I was actually just dissociated...?

So as you I end up contradicting myself and turning in circles. It's all convoluted, and it doesn't always make sense, especially when it comes to abuse.

Saying that what was done was WRONG, is the only way I can reduce the anxiety, and make the differentation... The requirement of forgiveness, is to have been able to see that difference beforehand, and to know it is utterly and completely WRONG what happened.

This is all I can say at the moment. Even thinking about it can get me triggered.

 

[Springer80]

I have had nightmares when God has ordered me to forgive and sleep with my ex. Sometimes it is really hard for me to differenciate the difference between forgiving and going back to him. So it kind of makes me feel trapped, especially when I am reminded by the concept that we need to forgive in order to heal.

Hi Nadia,

The idea that forgiving someone is the same as relinquishing your integrity is something which is posionous and often an idea used to manipulate.

You say it makes you feel trapped. I wonder if its because you have to contort yourself in order to be in line with conflicting ideas of forgiveness. I'll leave it cos you say it triggers you but I'm just worried that a false premise is putting you through more anguish.

Although I am able to pity the actions of a coward that doesn't mean I have any responsibility toward their reform.

Take Care X

 

[BloomInWinter]

My anger, resentment, hatred, and all negative feelings about the abuse (and the actual abuse) is like an anchor on my ship of life that keeps me moored and unable to get away from that time.

I have discovered that cutting that anchor away (via forgiveness) is important not because the anchor is worth saving...

...but because the ship is.

 

[Mercy]

This thread is a very thought provoking. I need to separate between my physical responses to triggers that cause an amigdala response chemical cascade from my reactions to my own thoughts and feelings. I'm guessing, for me, that much of my trauma is branded into my 'animal' survival brain.

I have learned to decontaminate many triggers but not all. Now instead of flashbacks and panic attacks, I feel more sadness and confusion.

Forgiveness is a faith matter for me. It is slow and applies to one episode or another. I do think it is good for me to let intrusive thoughts just pass by. Also, I do think we can change our brains to a degree in the conscious thinking part anyway.

The huge question is will we ever 'get over it'. I don't think so, but we can choose to rest our thoughts on the good tings around us.

How do you let go of something that is reflexive?