Fear Of Touch Anyone?

[Tanishq]

Intothelight, I do feel that. Phoenix might have lost trust from human beings and she can't feel safe with them.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Sorry, can you please clarify this for me? I'm not sure if it's just that you left out words or...? I'm just not sure what you mean here?

Ah sorry, I meant simply being touched. (Confusion was probably my fault. I post late into the night when I'm tired lol)

What I meant was: I want a hug. The idea of it seems really comforting. But despite wanting it, being hugged causes me a great deal of physical and mental distress.

 

[99Phoenix99]

In a very small nutshell, it took 3 years for my partner to touch my face or neck without me flinching or jerking back, and that was BEFORE I got diagnosed with PTSD

Thanks TheBubzilla,

I'm glad that you (from what it sounds like) have been able to overcome this aversion for the most part.

I'm especially glad you shared that with me. 3 years sounds like a long time... but that sounds realistic. Which is really helpful to me because for the first time I'm really starting to understand all the implications of what's happened to me in the past and how that's affecting me now. And being able to learn from others, like yourself, really helps put things into perspective as well as give me hope that some day I might be able to reach that point too.

 

[99Phoenix99]

(I love hugs and cuddles from my dogs)

Movin'On, you actually brought up something I never realized. The only time I can fully accept physical affection without fear or anxiety is with my dog. I'm not sure why but that really helps to put my mind at ease.

Thanks :D

 

[Privateer]

When I have panic attacks I interpret any attempt to touch me as an imminent beating and get very, very upset.

At other times I'm downright clingy.

 

[JustBe]

I think it's because we have nothing to fear from our dogs. They don't hurt us or judge us and they cannot be dishonest.
One of the things my service dog is very good at is giving hugs!

 

[99Phoenix99]

Phoenix, do you still have to go intense hospital procedures or surgery kind of?

It has become trigger in your mind, I am thinking.

Well, not to go into crazy medical details (or to trigger me) but yes, I do still have to get ongoing intrusive medical procedures. Every week I have subcutaneoues injections (which isn't too painful but is intrusive) and every few months or so I need cranial IM injections and or cranial nerve blocks. Those however... those really set me off. In the past the pain from the treatments has sent me into shock and made me black out...

I know they're triggers, however they can't be avoided. If I physically want to be able to function I need the treatments. Before it wasn't so taxing, but as the years have worn on... I've become more and more anxious about them because they're still ongoing. I've tried to stop treatments all together and while that psychologically helped my physical health suffered for it. It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.

Intothelight, I do feel that. Phoenix might have lost trust from human beings and she can't feel safe with them.

I'd like to say it's not so much a lack of trust.... but I'm really not too sure. But I can at least admit that I don't feel safe (which is a good step right? admitting to it?) I have very few memories in my life where touch was associated with positive feelings.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I have a fear of touch for different reasons but I understand totally the debilitating nature that you talk about. Be kind to yourself and take your time with it. Begin slowly and trust yourself that YOU know how much or how little feels ok. Good luck with your journey.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you nothing but the best as well!

 

[99Phoenix99]

I feel so vulnerable and feel silly that I would just now like to be hugged like a child would be. Silly huh? I probably couldn't do it.

It's so strange... in three sentences you've just explained what I've been trying to express in the past 20+ messages.

I'll send along something Intothelight sent me; A really nice and safe virtual hug <(^.^<)

 

[Privateer]

Wow. I just remembered something...I was just wondering why I interpret touching as attempted violence when I'm panicky, given that I was never beaten as a kid or anything.

(Following text is in white as it's a bit unpleasant. Highlight to read.)

I remembered an incident, years ago, fighting for my life in deep snow, grappling with another guy, trying to strangle him before he could pull a weapon on me. I was already hurt and there was blood everywhere. I think that was the third time I had my nose broken.

Anyway, I won, as you can tell.

I can't believe I forgot about that. Huh. Weird thing, memory.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Wow. I just remembered something...I was just wondering why I interpret touching as attempted violence when I'm panicky...
I can't believe I forgot about that. Huh. Weird thing, memory.

Privateer memory is so bizarre with me too. There are months of my life I can't remember, all I have are faint memories of the smell of anesthetic and the white of hospitals. White walls, white ceilings, white floors, white scrubs, white waiting rooms... etc etc.

I've never kept a journal really. Didn't care to writedown unpleasantness. Anyhow, two years ago I get the vivid memory of one of the times I passed out from a medical procedure. That memory haunted me for weeks. I wrote it down becuase I couldn't get it to leave me alone and eventually it passed. I recently found that entry a few months ago... and as I read the blow by blow I realized I couldn't remember it for the life of me. I still can't.

I've forgotten about that memory twice now. I don't know if that's a good thing or not to be honest lol Who knows what else will pop up out of no where?

And if I might add, I'm glad you won.

 

[Tanishq]

I've become more and more anxious about them because they're still ongoing. I've tried to stop treatments all together and while that psychologically helped my physical health suffered for it. It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.

I understand how you are feeling. I have physical issues,too and carrying it is not easy for me. It can drain your energies because it has also overtaken our mentality. Slowly, you will improve.

Yes, you're doing right. You are trying to understand what's going on with you and from where you want to start to resolve this issue. Glad to know you are feeling good here and supported. :)