How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

[goingonhope]

Each day is different and this day certainly has been and felt rotten.

 

[GR-ass]

Started deep relaxation techniques before sleep last night for the first time. It actually worked (yeah, I can act surprised)

I slept almost ten hours (straight through, no nightmares, nothing). IT has been years since I have slept without waking up in a panic. I just *wows*

Today however- work was work. For some reason, I started my shift fine, then started getting anxious. Even now I'm still on edge- this over three hours after I finnished.

I think one of the worries I have today is that I had to fill out a self evaluation at work. I sat there and looked at the Q's and thought, right.

By it I am crap at my job- or at least my attitude is crap. I take sick days a lot- mainly because if I am having a high anxiety day (like yesterday where I ended up at the doctors) I won't go to work. I don't think it is fair on the residents or the other staff for me to do it.

Other then that, well, I'm going ok today. Heh yeah, am going to drag my ass to the shower, get nice and warm, then climb into bed with my sweety.

 

[GR-ass]

My roster at work has been cut down by almost twenty hours. Not a happy camper- just one more thing to stress about.

Hopefully its just because they are going to train me for kitchen stuff and I'll go back to a more fleshed out roster next fortnight.

*grumbles* and grrs.

 

[goingonhope]

I'm all confused. I worked my butt off today with a tremendous amount of labor and it's now getting closer and closer to breakfast time and I still haven't slept a wink. I simply cannot sleep, and I'm scared to death of believing those misunderstandings and mistruths of many well intentioned people who tell me that I'm not a day sober if I'm taking any medicine at all. If I'm not sober and my sober time doesn't count for anything, I may as well go have myself a drink, and with nothing lost; Not that I intend to.

Also, scared of taking this medicine bc I'm also afraid of gaining any dependency.

 

[GR-ass]

It was one of them never ending nights at work tonight. Eight hours on my feet and no time for breaks. Two residents fell, one was sent to hospital with a suspected broken hip (at least I didn't get all shaky/anxious/panicky till after) the other lady was fine- just a bit shaken.

On top of the normal work stuff, we had surprise assessments- yeah, real fun. Busiest shift of the day, already understaffed and then they go pulling us staff off the floor for fifteen minutes at a time, three times each (yeah that makes 45 minutes- the equivalent of our breaks).

I feel so bloody work out right about now. Just shaky and exhausted, paranoid to boot- already been up four times to check the back door is locked as well as the windows.

*sighs* and I had the strangest dream last night. Strange odd I mean. For some reason I was talking to my dad about my SI and my PTSD. The most vivid part of the dream was when he told me I'm just pretending, that I'm good at pretending. I remember him telling me I should take the mask off, and then my skin peeled off my face and all I could taste/smell was blood. Was when I woke up.
Gack I hate tasting blood. Too many bad memories, too many memories too close to the surface.

 

[Jet]

Today has been long...well I guess it was actually yesterday since it is now past 2:00 am but it still feels like the same day. Probably cause I switched to graveyard so I get off at 0915 but have to be back at 2300. Anyway I found out that I am won't get vacation pay for the time I had off last week. It was approved but my supervisor did not know how they work it so it was done wrong. And then I broke my toe when I went down to open one of the gates. Ran the damn thing over my foot. Since it weighs several hundred pounds I sort of consider myself lucky as it could have been my foot instead of just my toe. I am hobbling and it is all swelled and bruised but at least I can still get around.

Saturday is my one day off and we are going to see Dark Knight after we get off work so maybe my day today will turn out better then yesterday.

Also I just wanted to say to Hope to not let people get you down. There is a huge difference between self medicating and hiding behind alcohol and taking medications prescribed by your doctor to treat a very real condition....would they tell a cancer patient the same thing for taking meds? Be proud of what you have accomplished and know that you are fighting for your life...and winning. They need to pull their heads out of their....I mean the sand and and recognize that. Otherwise they are just showing their ignorance.

 

[goingonhope]

Hey Jet, would you mind if I copied that paragraph your wrote to me with your advice to not let people get me down and the wisdom shared? I'd like to copy and paste it (quoted) right into my diary with the heading Remider.

I find it very helpful and supportive and think that I may always need such truth and reminding of this. Thank you!

I got truly brainwashed, over the yrs., let's say by many people playing God and with some monstorous ego's and substantial fear. There once was a time that I felt guilty as sin and made to feel so different for taking prescribed Dilantin and Tegrotal for seizures that I was having that I didn't take it properly, just refused doses and also dropped it, and paid with a hefty price.

So Jet, could I? copy, paste you know?


Hope

 

[Seychelle]

Sobbing because I'm trying to write out a new memory. It's a rape memory from when I was little. I don't want to be 'damaged goods'. I keep hearing people use that phrase to describe females who were sexually abused. I don't know why but I can't stop crying about it. Stupid, I know.

 

[Jet]

Ok, so it is 0151 and my day is pretty much just beginning...the graveyard thing ya know. So far it is miserable. Not sure why but I feel awful. Really light headed. Not really sick...just icky. Hoping it is just a sleep thing and I am not coming down with something (a lot of co-workers have been sick the last week or so and I would rather not catch anything). But other than feeling awful life is good.

And yes Hope, copy and paste to your hearts content.

Have a great night everyone!

 

[GR-ass]

0100 and I still can't sleep. Just *meh* stressed from work, yet another care manager left- means we get to go through the stress of up in the air rosters again as well as a new care manager.

On top of this, the lease on our house has a month left and me and L are going to move- if we can get approved for a place. Hopefully something that is less then 240 a week- we just can't afford to eat if I have a symptomatic week and end up off of w**k.

*sigh* fun. I hate moving.

 

[GR-ass]

Saychelle- we are not damaged goods. We are survivors. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
We may have been hurt, abused, raped and at one point broken, but we are not damaged. We are individual unique artworks. So what if we are a little rough around the edges, or react to things differently. So what if we seem to other slightly off kilter. We have been through the kiln and we have not been destroyed.
*hugs*
I know what you mean though. I hate being referred to as damaged goods as well.

 

[goingonhope]

Today was alright until it felt like deadly. Because just as I was doing well and doing my very best here at home with the kids, (while recovering from the day before yesterday's abuse) and a fairly good job too I might add. Someone saw too it that I should suffer. And, this is no f'n paranoia, bullsh't, exageration, pity-party or anything else but the truth. I think it sucks when I do as much as I do and as well as I do things and it's not ever right or good enough. It's like ironic, it's no doubt every time I've just wrapped up doing well and accomplishing much and slam, ........I'm suppose to believe I suck.

I'm feeling the anger tonight, but it's been nothing but grief, deep sadness, feeling trapped, frustrated and sobbing throughout it all.

And, I feel like a jack'ass telling anyone else, especially the world wide web how I truly feel.