Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Springer, I'm sorry it's negative. Guess deer aren't very bouncy. :(

I just mean S- I get it, I know it's wrong (in my religion). They call it selfish too. Just when you can't take it, and you have no options, and you leave nothing behind- surely even "God" must understand the difference between "can't" vs "won't".

I just thought, they say maybe you can use your 'suffering' to help someone else.

Maybe it's whining. I still go back to it would be a lot easier. Since it's currently impossible.

It's different- I appreciate everyone's words but it truly matters little if I wasn't on the planet, just free up a shift at work. No more or less impact than if my Internet connection died, lol. In real life I leave nothing.

Yes, I know of Champix but had a couple of friends try and get suicidal on it. I started at 12, am 43, quit total of 4 (3 + 1 years) in between. Problem is (beyond the psychology of it), I am exhausted when I try to quit. Tried that lately, missed a day at work. Thought if I stay off it it will make up for $, but barely can get in to work today let alone do the work, with smoking. What gets me is that all the food I eat instead produces no energy anyway. I've gained almost 10 pounds since starting this shift, and I can't eat. I don't get it. :confused:

 

[Tinyflame]

Springer, am sensitive to the awful (by the sound of it) experiences you've had with 'religion'- don't mean this as in terms of religion (though it includes a concept of 'God'- what I view just as my/a higher power to be for me, so to speak, but is more 'spirituality'-?, than 'religion'), but the truism I 'heard' (was not my thoughts specifically, and who's 'voice', who knows, if that makes sense), was, I think of God as hating me, and I 'heard' (loosely termed) "That's bullsh*t!" Not in an ~angry way towards myself, just in the way of that's BS as regards (for) every person.

I hope this is not offensive! Just my 'head' and my thought (or whatever). Not even something I personally would come up with, I suppose (privately).

Also, in my religion, one can 'offer up' as it were inescapable (or escapable) suffering for someone you love, or someone in need, or people in general. (It doesn't mean you want to suffer or to not look for a way out of the suffering- not a reason for irresponsibilty, more like acceptance and hoping for a use for it, even if one cannot see meaning.)

I know, can sound ~weird.. :confused: I just put it for explanation.

Hugs and thank you though, (((((Springer))))).

 

[p-no]

"My Deer". :D:inlove::laugh::D - So love this, Springer! :inlove:
May I borrow it?


((((((((((((((My Deer))))))))))))))))
and Springer too: ((((((((((((((((((((My Springer))))))))))))))))))

 

[Springer80]

"My Deer". :D:inlove::laugh::D - So love this, Springer! :inlove:
May I borrow it?

Why of course P-no:) ....All royalties payable to: Miss Dormouse, Little Wooden Shack, Magic Forest, Snooze-land..:sleep::D XXXX

 

[p-no]

Can I pay in Emmental? :D

 

[Springer80]

Can I pay in Emmental? :D

Yeah go on then!!! It's the best for dreams. :wideeyed: :hug:

 

[p-no]

I'm sorry I can't reply right now, I mean with regard to your serious posts. It's like my mind screams "stop" and just doesn't process the words.

Just wanted to say that I have just realized some days ago that I have had SI all my life, most of all when I was a little and older child. The older I get, the less I have it.

I remember a movie about toddlers and SA. I was in my late teens or twens. I totally freaked (cried and cried and cried and my soul just screamed) out and I never understood why, not really. Now I know. I know I was that little child on the bridge... At three, can you imagine. I never identified that as SI. It was a normal companion to me then. I didn't judge it (when I read "SI", I judge it because it scares me and an alarm goes off), it was there and part of me and natural.

It's unbelievable to me sometimes what incredibly bad and hurtful experiences and what terrifying and painful feelings can be with us as "normal companions", and can leave us feel weird if we don't have them anymore because we once were so used to them.

Junebug, I'm thinking of you often.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's unbelievable to me sometimes what incredibly bad and hurtful experiences and what terrifying and painful feelings can be with us as "normal companions", and can leave us feel weird if we don't have them anymore because we once were so used to them.

Junebug, I'm thinking of you often.

Dear p-no, thank you so much for your kindness and for sharing what I know is so hard to share. :hug: I am a bit at a loss for words. But you are right. :speechless:

It took me this long to ever think of any of the things that happened as 'traumas'. But it's like you saying, the things were incredibly painful, bad, hurtful, terrifying. That is validation, I think? Not denial.

And an interesting way to put it- I think I was at the worst (feelings) very small, again at 14, and in 2008. Now, it's different, and there is some fear I guess (?) to let those feelings go- a fear of the unknown in itself there. Maybe that the 'safety' isn't really there, or there's no safety to live believing it is, or could be better(?)

I mean, even this stuff, am trying to find a way to make it 'do-able', or maybe just hang in there til something can change. And even quitting smoking, well Champix isn't an option but maybe cold turkey and patches. Maybe this is even supposed to be less hours for rest (Oh God, feels anything but restlful), learn to quit smoking, just persevere-?

You 'guys' are so sweet, ((((((Hugs)))))), thank you, :hug:.

 

[Tinyflame]

I know what it is, I've identified it.

It's not being able to go forward, and feeling like not being able to live with the consequences to go 'back'. To not be working like this, this shift etc, means essentially will lead to homelessness. I can't live with that, neither can my sister, I know she wouldn't for sure. But I cannot leave, nor can I create a day shift elsewhere. And with the dog cannot accept a 'live in' position. But giving up our dog is again a loss we couldn't bear, would be like selling your child.

And with what the company has created, it wil *never* (their words) be a possibility for me to be off of nights, because I cannot drive (no surgery can help vision that exists, either). For my sister, if she can last one year (til September) everything can change for her.

I don't even care how I feel physically. Even if I had an illness I was aware of, I couldn't go to a Dr because they do not compensate enough for a short term sick leave.

But it's not that, I don't care how I feel or my health in general, it's the fact my body won't conform.

I know it sounds like I have kept (or use) 'S' as a default for life, but this has not been the case. At 14 I tried everything else first, before I ended up there. In the early 1990's I did everything in my power on my own to ensure I wouldn't do that to my mom. I thought I was just prone to depression, though it didn't really 'fit'. In 2005-2006 onward things were insane, not due to me, I went through physical abuse from 2 different people, sexual assaults, had my life threatened more than once. Even then I thought I'll persevere until 'x', always with the intention of perhaps by then something would have changed, and also that I myself would push 'x' back. One day at a time. In 2008, after a bad date, the ptsd really flared back up, followed by the S, which I fought. I never made any attempts or I don't think I'd be here. During all this, always, and else-wise, I worked full time, took care of an Aunt (who needed heavy followed by 24 hour care) for about 5 years, took care of our house/ responsibilities, etc. Visited my aunt when she was hospitalized every day, helped her every 1 to 2 hours overnight. This had nothing to do with past traumas, or ptsd. That is always there, of course.

At one point I had some growth appear on my tongue, at first I thought if it turns out to be malignant, could I ('not S'), and live with (all) the repercussions? First I thought no, later I thought yes, I would try. No matter what it meant losing (loss of part of tongue, loss of speech, disfigurement, in health care I'm intimately aware of the repercussions).

So it isn't 'not trying'. It's just what can you do when you 'can't' but you 'can't not'? WTH. Even selling the house (unprepared) and losing the dog, would not change it. :(

I hope this makes any sense, must rush.

 

[Tinyflame]

And there's been much other stuff, took care of mom before she died (precipitous diagnosis), 2 natural disasters that took years of physical work 21 hours/day, lousy health of my own (problems), injuries, 2 stalkers, 4 times (people) been threatened to be killed (cops told me to do 'anything necessary' in the course of one), attempted rapes, SA more than I can count- but these were none of the ptsd-related trauma's, just 'stuff', albeit traumatic not ptsd- causing. That's seperate from these. But up to now I'd always managed to carry on, 'just do what needs to be done'.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

((((Junebug))) I wish I could give you a real hug. My heart just aches for you. Big hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((Dear gizmo)))), thank you. I thought I posted but seems to have disappeared. :( Thank you for your kindness. My aunt had L-B dementia also, as well as physical concerns, so I know how difficult it must be for you. :( (((((Big Major Hugs)))).

Well, lost power, but now it came on, but had already asked my supervisor if she can cover first couple of clients, I was able to move one myself and several others I will move tonight. I hope she is able and calls back, will buy me 1 1/2 hours and also decreases time puppy left alone. (She is a big German Shepherd and beautiful but a rescue and they said never saw worse abuse. :( )

Just meant to say, like the mouth bit, didn't default to worst-case scenario - was actually on the bottom (vs roof) of my mouth, under my tongue. Looked at it was 'bad' in that abnormal, most common place, common (malignant characteristics), led to 'expect' likelihood of bone involvement in lower jaw. Just to psych up to the reality, not like I don't know I've been a smoker. Plus family has mostly all had C. But ptsd-related Dr/ Hospital issues for myself. :(

Oh well, hope supervisor is able to cover a couple of calls, now that I've asked I'm hoping to God they will.